Now, we are not experts like the people over at SI. We’re not in locker rooms, not being flown out to spring training facilities to see how prospects and injury recoveries are progressing. So why should you read our preview?

1) It will be funnier (at least I hope)

2) We will make wild, crazy predictions that legitimate sources won’t dare make

3) We’ll talk a little fantasy baseball

4) Pro wrestlers. That’s right, we’ll compare each team to its 90’s pro wrestling counterpart. Spoiler alert: get ready for a Doink the Clown reference, Pirates fans! 

Last week we took a look at the AL East. Today, we’ll look at their NL counterparts. Can anyone beat the Phillies? What will the Mets do to be hilariously bad this year? Isn’t about time for the Marlins to win a World Series and blow up the team again? Read on to find out! (more…)

Now, we are not experts like the people over at SI who decided to start this very same thing today. Jerks. We’re not in locker rooms, not being flown out to spring training facilities to see how prospects and injury recoveries are progressing. So why should you read our preview?

1) It will be funnier (at least I hope)

2) We will make wild, crazy predictions that legitimate sources won’t dare make

3) We’ll talk a little fantasy baseball

4) Pro wrestlers. That’s right, we’ll compare each team to its 90’s pro wrestling counterpart. Spoiler alert: get ready for a Doink the Clown reference, Pirates fans! 

So we start with the division that holds last year’s champion. Read on! (more…)

More like fili-BRAIN-buster! Right guys? Guys?…

So it appears that WWF/WWE co-founder Linda McMahon (wife of Vince Jr.) is running for US Senate. You can read more specifics about hit here.

This isn’t the first time a wrestler has ventured into politics. Everyone knows about the success that Jesse “The Body” Ventura had in his tenure as Minnesota Governor, but there have been many other wrestling personalities to try their hand at the political game: Nikolai Volkoff ran for a Delegate slot in 2006, Hiroshi Hase wreslted for New Japan before winning a seat in Parliament, and even the Ultimate Warrior has become a spokesperson for the extreme political right.

That got me thinking: who else would be good for this pursuit? I mean, if this guy can be a governor…

Who’s to say someone can’t suplex their way into the White House? Here are my top 10 wrestlers I would like to see enter politics. Enjoy! (more…)

I just read this article over at With Leather about the guy that used to be the Green Ranger on Power Rangers winning his second MMA fight.

If I’m the other guys on the “indie MMA circuit” I’m pissed. Guy’s got to be on some crazy PEDs. Some real intergalactic shit.

Follow the link to With Leather to see the video of his fight (SPOILER ALERT: first round TKO). I didn’t bother to watch because I know how this thing goes…he gets his ass kicked at the start, then plays his little whistle*. Megazord comes out, giant sword swing, 1-2-3. I’ve seen it a thousand times…

*hehehehe!

About half an hour ago, the Chargers released former all-world RB LaDainian Tomlinson. Tomlinson is just three years removed from setting the all-time single season rushing TD record, and yet he is out of a job. He also averaged 5.2 YPC that year. This year? 3.3, the worst of his career.

But fear not, LT2 fans (and his family, I presume). Someone out there will pick him up even though he is clearly just a shell of the man he used be. Here are a few teams to keep an eye on.

1. Washington Redskins - I know it’s a bit cliche to talk about Washington every time there is a big name on the market. but it’s a cliche for a reason. Not only does owner Dan Snyder love to spend money on guys past their prime, but new coach Mike Shanahan saw LT2’s skills firsthand in all his years in Denver.

2. New England Patriots - Hey, they signed Fred Taylor, why not kick the tires on another used model? Note that this only applies to a scenario where LT2 sits on the market for a while, causing the cost to go down drastically. Bill Belichick is always looking for a bargain. That’s why he only dates older women.

3. Seattle Seahawks - Their running game hasn’t been good since Shaun Alexander showed LT2 how it was done (i.e. set the rushing TD record then proceed to suck ass). Pete Carroll also might be looking for a big splash to make in his first year to show fans he means business.

4. Houston Texans - They are on the cusp of being contenders, and their running game is a mess. Would another cog alongside Steve Slaton, Chris Brown, and Ryan Moats really help things? Probably not. But never underestimate the desperation of a team trying to catch the Colts.

5. Cleveland Browns - They just put Jamal Lewis into the airlock and jettisoned him out of Cleveland, so they need someone to tote the rock. And at some point, don’t they realize that they are the Browns and say “f*ck it” and take every swing for the fences they can?

Seriously folks, can we even consider this an official Games of the Olympiad without Pat O’Brien there asking athletes the hard-hitting questions? I would answer with an emphatic nay.

Don’t get me wrong, I love these Winter Olympics. Shaun White’s performance inspired me to taunt every Finnish person I know. Lindsay Vonn fighting through her shin injury to tame the Downhill prompted me to buy a spandex bodysuit. The only black person more intrigued by the coverage is related to Shani Davis. And don’t get me started with Johnny Weir. His 6th place finish after two beautiful routines and more panache than Liberace tap dancing to ”I Will Survive” with Judy Garland and Roberto Cavalli on his shoulders is an absolute travesty. I’m so furious that I may just punch a random Figure Skating judge in the face.

Thankfully, the good people of Funny or Die miss Pat O’Brien just as much as I do… and they actually decided to do something about it. Please enjoy the first episode of Pat O’Brien’s All-Access Insider Olympics Show:

• Antonio “Minotauro” Nogueira vs. Cain Velasquez (Heavyweight)
• Michael “The Count” Bisping vs. Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva (Middleweight)
• George “The Souvlaki” Sotiropoulos vs. Joe “Daddy” Stevenson (Lightweight)
• Ryan “Darth” Bader vs. Keith “The Dean of Mean” Jardine (Light Heavyweight)
• Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Anthony “The Hippo” Perosh (Heavyweight)

UFC 110 is being held in Sydney, Australia.   And I have been really F’n sick this past   week.  Like epic sick.  I’m going through more tissue than a chimp in a beat off contest.

So here’s my picks:

Cro Cop beats the last minute replacement, Perosh.  Ben Rothwell dropped out on Thursday due to illness.

Bader beats LH gatekeeper Jardine.

Sotiropoulos beats the smaller Stevenson in a kickboxing match.

Bisping beats Silva, due to Wanderlei not being used to cutting to 185 pounds.  Though I really want to see “The Axe Murderer” knock Bisping out.

Velasquez uses his wrestling to win a decision over Nogueria.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m gonna go make myself a NyQuil-tini.  Two parts vodka, one part NyQuil.

Oh, and since I’m totally mailing it in this week.

Boobs.

And you don’t even know the half of it:

We already knew that Matt “gives it his all” off the field, but apparently “giving it all” on the field now means performing mop-up duty for someone twice your age and not even doing that so well.

So Leinart performs well with the ladies and poorly on the gridiron.  But how does he perform in the eyes of God?  He’s how he fares regarding the 10 Commandments.  (And since his presentation is with the Catholic Center, we’ll use their version.) (more…)

The NCAA is a very busy organization, but they always seem to find the time to make terrible decisions (especially where football is considered), such as preventing a player from accepting endorsement money needed to compete in the Olympics in a completely different sport or adding meaningless bowl games that make the post-season feel less like a reward for the teams and more like a punishment for the viewers.

Not content with the royal screw-ups that happened this year in terms of enforcing the “excessive celebration” penalty, they’ve decided to crack down again.  Should the proposed rule pass, players who “draw attention to themselves” on the way to the endzone would be penalized from the spot of the foul, thus negating the touchdown.

The exact details are mired in the legalese that’s typical of a corporation as heartless as the NCAA, so I wouldn’t want to subject you to having to read the entire thing.  Instead, I’ve perused the new proposal and found the more unique rules up for consideration to ensure that individuals are not singling themselves out above the rest of the team.

*Quarterbacks may not assign one receiver a hot route unless they assign one to every receiver because that just wouldn’t be fair.

*Man-to-man coverage is no longer allowed because if the defender breaks up the pass he will be able to take too much credit.

*After winning a rivalry, bowl, or championship game, head coaches may not pick up the trophy and place it above their heads unless all of the assistant coaches do it along with him.

*All current individual player trophies will be abolished, save for the Heisman Trophy, which will be alerted from its current form to become a monument featuring a representation of every single Division 1-A player.

*Open receivers may not wave their hands, yell at the quarterback, or otherwise make their presence known.  Instead, they must rely on their teammates to point them out, thus creating team camaraderie.

*To make sure teams aren’t just letting their best players have the ball all the time, everyone must touch the ball at least once each series.  This includes the defense.

*Players may not wear school colors off the field because that might show too much school spirit and upset people who aren’t fans.

*Since it favors one player over the other, the option is no longer allowed.  However, two players are allowed to run together while both holding onto the ball.

*Players will no longer wear individual numbers on their jerseys but instead pictures that make no sense unless the entire team stands together to complete the puzzle.

*After scoring a last-second, game-winning touchdown, the player should write an essay about how it made him feel in order to confirm the NCAA’s message that they are students first, athletes second.

So, you’ve decided to take a picture of your penis. Congratulations! You’re now an internet celebrity.

Now that everyone has seen you in all your glory, what is the next step for you and your birthday suit?

Clearly it’s an apology. Rule #1 about showing everyone your schlong is you’ve got to act like you didn’t want it to happen. Nevermind that you texted that cell phone mirror pic to everyone in your contacts. You need to act appalled and ashamed that this got out. And that’s why we’re here. To help ensure that your half-hearted ‘I’m sorry’ clears your good name.

And for only three easy payments of $29.99! Act now, operators are standing by! (more…)