Pyle of List

With all the news surrounding Clay Bennett’s heartless decision to move the Seattle Supersonics to Oklahoma City, we decided to show our solidarity with our Pacific Northwest brethren by creating a list of teams that should actually move to another city. For one reason or another, these teams have worn out their welcome, aren’t appropriately placed or are completely underappreciated by their fan base. Noticably absent: The Sonics.

Florida Marlins

Reason for moving: Have you ever seen one of their home games televised? (Because I know you haven’t actually been to one of their games. No one has.) There are bigger crowds at little league games. This team has won two World Series trophies in the last 11 years. They are a good team people! The Marlins finally got a new stadium deal, which is set to open in 2011. However, since the people of Miami (who have never really been great sports fans) don’t show up for home games, the stadium is set to have the second fewest number of seats in MLB.

Possible destinations: Somewhere that appreciates winners.

Los Angeles Clippers

Reason for moving: Where to start with the Clips. They’ve achieved pathetic results, alienated their already miniscule fanbase by committing the cardinal sin of ownership: caring more about your deep pockets than a good product and botched so many drafts, trades and negotiations that you’d think it couldn’t possibly get any worse. Then the Baron Davis-Elton Brand debacle comes along reconfirming my theory that Elgin Baylor sold his soul to the devil and torturing an already emotionally unstable group of fans. They need a fresh start.

Possible destinations: Hell, Baker, CA, Junction, TX

Las Vegas Sacramento Kings

Reason for moving: Okay, so this is an “I’m-afraid-they-will-move” choice instead of a “They-need-to-move” choice. The Maloofs have been trying to get the people of Sacramento to buy them a new stadium for a few years now because Arco Arena is, well, Arco Arena. Unfortunately for the Maloofs, Sacramentans aren’t a bunch of yokels with hayseed in their ears like Phil Jackson would have you believe.  They know the Maloof family is like Rockafeller rich.  They’re not going to pony up millions of dollars for a new stadium and then let the Maloofs have all the profits. The Sacramento fans are great fans though.  That’s the only thing keeping the Kings in Sacramento I believe.

Possible destinations: Plan A: Las Vegas, Plan B: Laughlin

Green Bay Packers

Reason for moving: You ever had a friend that dealt with a stalker? You have to change your numbers, email addresses, and your normail daily rituals. In some extreme cases, you even have to move. This is what the Packers need to do. It’s obvious there is no reasoning with Brett Favre. He’s gonna keep coming back every year, wanting to get back together, despite the fact he broke up with you a few months ago AFTER he completely screwed your life up with his bad decisions (that INT in the Championship Game was AWFUL… but classic Favre). Making matters worse, your family (the fans) think he’s the best guy ever and encourage you to make up with him and beg him to come back. It’s time to make a run for Packer Management, even though the odds of Green Bay succeeding at anything this year aren’t in their favor.

Possible destinations: The Greater Wisconsin Women’s Shelter, the playoffs (he never shows up there anymore… bah-bum, chhh!)

Arizona Cardinals

Reason for moving:The Cardinals have lost home games in a path across the US since becoming a charter member of the NFL in 1920 as the Chicago Cardinals, so named for the hand-me-down maroon jerseys given to the team by a local college team that had gotten new digs. (see they were even cheap before the Bidwell’s bought them.) The Cardinals have only won one championship in that time, that being the 1947 campaign. They are also credited with the 1925 championship but it really belongs to the Pottsville Maroons. (the sooner you give it back the sooner you can hope for some postseason success Cardinal fan) more here in the “Cardinal Curse” side note In 1960 the Cardinals had enough of battling the cross town favorite Bears (pay attention White Sox) and moved to St. Louis where they continued to build the Cardinal tradition of losing. In the next 28 years the Cards went to the postseason 3 times (74,75,82) and in 1988 Cardinal ownership was unable to convince the city to help with a stadium (I’ve been saying this is the way the Dallas area should try to get rid of the Texas Rangers for years) and the team moved again, this time to Phoenix. Success hasn’t been found in Arizona either for the Cards so I think, after 20 years, it time for a change of scenery and a fresh start.

Possible destinations:Given the constant western movement of the team to this point and the absence of an NFL team in the 2nd largest market in the US, I think the LA Cardinals should be coming soon.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Reason for moving:In 1991 the NFL announced that it would expand into two new markets. The top 5 contenders for the new franchises were Charlotte, NC (currently the 25th largest broadcast market), Baltimore, MD (#24), Memphis, TN (#47 and Nashville is #30), St. Louis (#21) and Jacksonville(#49). The NFL awarded 2 franchises to Charlotte and Jacksonville in 1995 (or as I like to call it the year of the feline). Since that time the second smallest market in the NFL has struggled to support the team. Numerous blackouts, including 12 of the 16 home games in 2003 and 2004 which prompted ownership to cover up nearly 10,000 seats to get games back on TV in Florida, have been a major reason that owner Wayne Weaver finds himself refinancing $110 million in debt. On top of that Alltel has pulled out of the naming rights deal for Jacksonville Municipal Stadium which cuts off Weavers largest single source of income. Weaver has made numerous statements to the effect that the team will not be sold and/or moved. In fact he is so adamant that, given the track record of sports owners, it can only mean one thing. The deal to sell and move the team is in the works as we speak.

Possible destinations:I realize this is probably the front runner for LA but I’d like to offer a different solution to Mr. Weaver or whoever the new owners may be, San Antonio. It would be a 12 spot jump in market size and no other fan-base falls in love with their teams like these folks. (see Spurs fan and San Antonio Cowboys fan) The only real obstacle will be Jerry Jones, who says he wants to see an NFL team in San Antonio more than anyone…. In fact he is so adamant that, given the track record of sports owners, it can only mean one thing…

Columbus Blue Jackets

Reason for moving: If you put a gun to my head, I probably couldn’t name 15 NHL teams. So when I found out there was a team in Columbus, OH, named the Blue Jackets no less, I decided enough was enough. We don’t care about hockey in America. We really don’t. We can pretend, but its never gonna happen. Some people have convinced themselves they love it, but unless they’re from a place where most of the factories have closed (AKA the Rust Belt), they’re not telling the truth. Let’s just drop the charade an give hockey back to Canada because they’ll appreciate it more.

Possible destinations: Quebec

Tampa Bay Rays

Reason for moving: The Steinbrenners will not rest until they sit atop the AL East, even if that means just buying the team currently in first place and moving them to NY. Plus, the Rays have completely turned this team around and still can’t sell out a game unless the Red Sox are in town.

Possible destinations: Steinbrenners’ Pockets, NY