Pyle of List

When most of us think of professional athletes, we think of the most physically fit people in the world. But every once in a while, some bucket o’ lard slips through the cracks, and wins a spot that would normally be occupied by two people in our hearts. Given that this is the holiday season, and we’re all eating a bit more than normal, we decided to pay tribute to our favorite Santa-esque athletes from pro sports. Enjoy!

1. John Daly, 5′11″ 220lbs
Sport: Golf
Favorite Snack Food: Twinkies
The Gravy: No list of big men would be complete without Daly. Known for his drinking and smoking just as much as his golf game, Daly exudes what the fat athlete should be: a big dude who uses that power to his advantage. Daly made his entire career out of being able to hit the ball really far off the tee. When questioned about his strength, Daly once admitted that he doesn’t lift weights because his local health club won’t let him smoke while he works out. Haters! Daly has also been divorced three times (no word on how many of those women were actually eaten).
Made up Quote: “Putting? Oh I love putting, especially the homemade kind with that film on the top”
Actual Quote: “You don’t get a guy this big into a suit!”

2. Cecil Fielder, 6′3″ 261lbs
Sport: Baseball
Favorite Snack Food: Honey Glazed Ham
The Gravy: Cecil was big by American standards his whole life. It’s been told that in little league, all the parents petitioned to have The Big Cat moved to a higher age bracket. So imagine the fear he must have struck in the fine people of Japan when he got off the plane. They were practically begging for Godzilla. But boy could this fatty hit a baseball far. The master of “putting your weight behind the ball” Fielder once hit a ball completely out of Milwaukee County Stadium, and he is still the only player to do that. Cecil is also the only player to hit a home run with a turkey leg sticking out of his back pocket.
Made Up Quote: “I just pretend the ball is some sort of undelicious vegetable, like cauliflower or something. Then it’s just ‘get away from, veggie!’ and the ball goes over the fence.”
Actual Quote: “I know I’m not the best looking human being in the world, but I’m getting my job done.”

3. Dusty Rhodes, 6′1″ 302lbs
Sport: Rasslin’
Favorite Snack Food: Original Lays dipped in Mayonnaise
The Gravy: No fat man has held as many titles as Dusty Rhodes, and no fat man ever will. Never mind that Dusty was the one who decided he should win most of those. Dusty wanted so badly to appear as a “common man” that he gained weight just like the average American. Despite his ever expanding girth, Rhodes wouldn’t stop dancing. No matter much we all pleaded, Rhodes wouldn’t quit shaking that giant ass. Dusty is also credited with inventing the Bionic Elbow, which is really just an elbow to the head after he moves his hands around a bunch. Although, I guess I can’t find that much fault in Dusty’s overeating, I mean, I would eat myself to death if this were my son too.
Made Up Quote: “I know they’re called ‘tights’ but…damn!”
Actual Quote: “Lay in the same bed, cuz that’s where the boogie man is gonna get ya!”

4. Shawn Kemp, 6′10″ 317lbs
Sport: Basketball/baby-making
Favorite Shack Food: Crack
The Gravy: Kemp was my favorite basketball player growing up. And you know what? He still is. I still wear the Sonics #40 jersey that I bought in eighth grade. Of course, I love him for completely different reasons now. All you have to do is look at him in his prime to see how far Kemp had fallen by the end of his career. Once the most feared power forward in the game, Kemp is now the most feared (and prolific) NBA baby-daddy. After leading the Sonics to the finals in 95-96, Shawn basically fell apart. The Sonics refused to give him a raise, he showed them what they were missing out on by gaining a ton of weight and doing a lot of coke. Let’s just say that those things don’t lead to good pro basketball play. Kemp is also the man responsible for countless not-quite-legitimate children, enough to start a basketball team of his own someday.
Made Up Quote: “Man, that ain’t my kid. Oh wait…yes it is.”
Actual Quote: “J.R. Rider is a very good dunker, and I know he’s gonna have some good things for me.”

5. Babe Ruth, 6′2″ 215lbs
Sport: Baseball
Favorite Snack Food: Beer & Hookers coated in BBQ sauce
The Gravy: The original fat athlete and the standard by which every athlete will be judged. Carrying more charisma than weight, The Babe was and continues to be one of the most popular baseball players of all time. His penchant for boozing, women and food was legendary. Legend has it he could stay out eating and boozing all night and still be the best player on the diamond the following day. The Sultan of Swat has made the beer belly a source of pride. Everyone on this list and every man at home, for that matter, needs to personally thank Ruth.
Made up Quote: “I don’t think much of that Negro League, but boy can those blackies cook.”
Actual Quote: “If I’d tried for them dinky singles I could’ve batted around .600″ (I’m sure he said something similar about hot dogs too)

6. Jared Lorenzen, 6′4″ 285lbs
Sport: Football
Favorite snack food: Kentucky Fried Chicken
The Gravy: There are a good number of heavy athletes in this advanced era of food processing technology, but Lorenzen stands out because he plays the most glorified position in all of sports, Quarterback. Usually the QB is some pretty boy with a golden smile, dating a cheerleader and getting all the attention. Jared broke the mold, as he looked like a Left Tackle when he dropped back. Somehow he managed to make it in the NFL as a backup, keeping the dream of playing QB in the NFL alive for every morbidly obese pre-teen eating 4 packages of Easy Mac before dinner while sitting on the couch and text messaging.
Made up quote: “Who-weee, these headsets taste good. I love being a backup. Can I have another one? Whaddya mean they aren’t edible?”
Actual quote: “Any contest? Against every quarterback in the country? That’s easy, I could out-eat them. It sounds bad, but I could.” (Read the full interview here. Pay special attention to the last 2 questions.)

7. Andre the Giant, 7′+ 500+lbs
Sport: Wrestling
Favorite snack food: Booze, and lots of it.
The Gravy: Not only is this guy a monument to eating, he’s on the Mount Rushmore for drinking as well, two favored pastimes for the hefty. Since his disease meant that he never stopped growing, his appetite was almost insatiable. There are so many stories about Andre’s food and drink exploits that I’ll share my two favorites:
1. He drank an estimated 7,000 calories per day. Think about that for a second. He probably drank more each day than you eat.
2. He ordered a restaurant’s entire menu to be brought out one item at a time. He finished in four hours. I assume this was not In-N-Out Burger, which would be significantly less impressive.
Made up quote: “Is Andre the Giant gonna have to choke a bitch?”
Actual quote: “Hulkamania is over! Hahahaha.”

8. William “The Refrigerator” Perry, 6′2″ 382lbs
Sport: Football
Favorite snack food: What do you have? Seriously.
The Gravy: A defensive lineman by trade, the Fridge began drawing attention as the goal line fullback for the Bears. He started as a blocking back, but began scoring TD’s soon thereafter and became an overnight sensation. Perry was a WWF wrestler, immortalized as a GI Joe and key participant in “The Super Bowl Shuffle”. What more could a man ask for?
Made up quote: “Forget charity, I was gonna use the money from fighting Manute Bol to make the biggest donut in the world.”
Actual quote: “Even when I was little, I was big.”

9. Robert “Tractor” Traylor, 6′7″ 340 pounds (as a college freshman)
Sport: Basketball
Favorite snack food: Fried Mozzarella Sticks, by the pound.
The Gravy: The Tractor was famous not only for his weight, but also for his game and his penchant for getting into trouble. He was a McDonald’s All American the same year as Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Vince Carter. This fatty broke a backboard in college, he took money from Chris Webber’s Ed Martin, he was traded away from the Mavericks for Pat Garrity and some guy named Dirk Nowitzki, and he’s had his run-ins with the law too (laundering $4 mil in drug money for his cousin).
Made up quote: “My doctor told me greasy food would be the end of me. I told the grease is what makes me such a smooth operator. Yeeeeah.” (Think Barry White talking.)
Actual quote: “All my clothes are falling off me”…after he lost 40 pounds before the 1998 NBA Draft.

10. Rich “El Guapo” Garces, 6′0″ 250 pounds (sure)
Sport: Baseball
Favorite Snack Food: Extra cheese enchiladas
The Gravy: El Guapo, who Mike Maddux named after the villain in ¡Three Amigos!, was a sensation in Bean Town. He was the lovable tubby middle reliever. After a few years with the Red Sox, El Guapo rode off into the sunset of his career. This last year he played for the Can-Am League Nashua Pride. The Venezuelan did well this season, but that’s due to the fact that the Can-Am league is a glorified men’s softball league.
Made up quote: “Are gringos falling from the sky?”
Actual quote: “I look in the mirror and say, ‘Damn, dude, I’m ugly and I’m fat, but I’m happy”

11. David “Boomer” Wells, 6′3″ 250+ pounds
Sport: Baseball
Favorite snack food: Cold bologna straight out of the package
The Gravy: Wells is a journeyman pitcher who’s been with the nine different Major League teams over the last 20 years. He’s known as a baseball collectible enthusiast. He’s also known for his public speculation on potential steroid users. Boomer doesn’t need chemicals for his power. He’s got processed meats for that.
Made up quote: “What Boomer wants, Boomer gets.”
Actual quote: ”I can’t wait to win the World Series and have Bud Selig come up to me. I really can’t. Who knows what will come out then?”

12. Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley, 6′6″ 300+ pounds
Sport: Basketball, Celebrity Foot Races
Favorite snack food:
The Gravy: Chuck is one of the most beloved sports figures of our time. He was an amazing player during his years in the NBA. And now he’s the most entertaining personality on the best NBA show on television. He’s always got something controversial to blurt out and never pulls the verbal punches when he sees something wrong with a player or team. The climax of his career, in my book, was when he beat Dick Bavetta in a foot race at this year’s All Star game. Bavetta was a good sport though and embraced Sir Charles in a big wet kiss afterwards.
Made up quote: “Dick Bavetta’s lips aren’t as dried up and wrinkly as you’d expect. They’re pretty soft actually.”
Actual quote: “The Republicans are full of it. The Democrats are a little less full of it.”