Pyle of List

Recently I received something in the mail from an old friend. It’s someone that other friends have advised me to ignore but I’ll let the letter speak for itself:

Dear JP,

Hey buddy! How’s it going? It’s been about a year since we’ve been in contact. Can you believe it’s been that long? What’ve you been up to? I’ve just been playing the piano, moving and learning a new playbook. You know, the usual. Have you seen that “Borat” movie yet? Just watched it last night and oh man, that was so f’n funny. In fact, I think I have a pretty good impression of him already. I called a couple teammates with it and they were so jealous they hung up on me. Do you think they actually thought I was Borat? You know what, I’ll bet you that’s what it is. They totally thought I was the real guy.

Anywho, I’m writing you because I think it’s an appropriate time to strike up our curious partnership again. Every summer you call and tell me that you’re thinking about me. You always say things like “I think you’re ready for a breakout year” and “you’re gonna make me look brilliant!” This year is no different, JP. Except that this year, is the year that we’re gonna make it happen, like the Cap’n, baby! Let me tell you why:

1. I’m in a brand new situation. Much better than Detroit. We’re like the only team that wears red and black so I won’t be getting confused anymore about who to throw the ball to. I mean honestly, silver and blue? Those are the colors of what, and pardon my french, half the freakin’ league?!?!?

2. I’m pretty sure I’ll be starting here soon because the owner, Mr. Blank really likes me. In fact, he called me up the other day to see if I knew of any other QB’s that were available. That’s what I call trust. And of course, with the other QB’s “legal” situation you should see me on the field in no time.

3. I changed my name to Joe. Very nice, eh! (that’s my Borat in case you didn’t notice) I think that increases my odds of being a Hall of Famer by like 50% already.

4. Miami taught me a lot and my pain threshold grew significantly under Coach Saban, so you won’t see me jumping around and clutching my finger in the middle of a drive if I scrape it again like that one time in Detroit. I know that really made you upset.

So JP, are you ready to get crunk this season?

Sincerely,

Joe Harrington

PS Maybe I could even call Dante and you could pick us both up. We became great friends in Miami last year. We could be your two-headed mulatto monster at QB! And I mean that in a good way.