-Ruin all of your friends’ credit ratings so none of them will ask you to spend a Saturday helping them move

-Figure out what color jerseys your team wears

-Memorize past victories against all of your scheduled opponents in case you lose to one of them this season

-Practice arguing bad calls by yelling at your dog until it wets itself

-Map out the quickest way to the coach’s house so that you can egg it at a moment’s notice

-Stretch out your throwing arm in case your son ever convinces you to pry yourself away from the TV for five minutes to acknowledge his existence

-Watch ESPN so you can be told what you should be paying attention to

-Learn background information on all the players so your insults will have that personal touch

-Instead of enjoying white wine or champagne during games, try drinking beer instead

Syracuse: Has been storing bedbugs to release on opponents

Memphis: Got all the big black kids it could find in the local neighborhoods after watching The Blind Side

Army: Expected to excel after Obama declares a police state

Wyoming: Gonna stop ridin’ fences

USC: Technically not eligible to win BCS title, but since when have they followed the rules?

Louisville: Arming defensive players with Sluggers

Texas Tech: Search of facilities revealed busload of 5-star recruits Mike Leach had kept locked in underground cages

Western Kentucky: Breaking out the good moonshine

Indiana: Coach has threatened to show Hoosiers on repeat in players’ dorms if they lose a game

Tulsa: If they win, staff will finally allow them to leave Tulsa

Fantasy Football Factoid: The 3 Stooges organized the first Fantasy Football League in 1949! The 1st player taken in the draft was QB Otto Graham!

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Haven’t selected a team name yet? GREAT, because I’m here to help. Of course I realize the draft is the most important aspect in Fantasy Football. However, don’t underestimate the power of a creative team name. For those of you who lack the “creativity” gene, here are a list of team names & logos you are welcome to use this year.

1. Incestuous Inbreds:

2. Dimwitted Dropouts:

3. Mutilated Mistakes:

4. Darwin’s Dip-shits:

5. Tiger’s Tasty Tarts:

6. Hair of the Dog:

7. Boring Bengal Buffoons:

8. Dumber & Dumbest:

9. Fantastic Felons: or Karma Cons:

10.  Nitwitted Narcissists

by Pete Whalon

-Players worried that wearing more than two rings will make them look gay

-Other SEC coaches have figured out they’ll probably just hand the ball to that guy who won all the trophies

-Team distracted by cloud formations

-Can’t rely on Terrence Cody to eat offensive linemen

-Lane Kiffin no longer around to distract Urban Meyer with trash talk, flirty texts, and bedroom eyes

-Running out of puppy souls to feed Nick Saban

-Really not worth the effort when they can just claim another championship like they always do

Looks like 1 standout in this bunch. Can you guess who?

Chargers-10-6: I know, LT has gone East and Vincent Jackson will soon be a Seahawk (by opening day), so are the Bolts really any good? They’re not that good, the other 3 teams in the division are bad, bad, and worse!

“I’m not a baby, I just want the ball every time we get in the Red Zone!”

Not that Jackson, Vincent Jackson of the Chargers.

Broncos-8-8: I might be a little over optimistic regarding the Broncos. They are a team on the way down…just a matter of how far they fall! 

Don’t you hate it when aging ex-superstars, with their inflated egos do something dumb to get attention? “Come on John Elway, you’re better than this!

Chiefs-6-10: One of those teams I can never figure out. For the past few years I thought they were improving, however, I was incorrect. Don’t see much to indicate they will be better than last year.

 Is this politically incorrect? Cuz if it is I will remove the Injuns, Savages, Redskins, Scalp-hunters,  Native Americans from the background.

Raiders-6-10: Guess how many combined wins the Raiders have over the past 6 years–25! That’s correct, averaging under 5 wins per season. There’s only 1 reason for the miserable performance…AL “DEAD MAN WALKING” DAVIS! 

 Who’s that fat kid with Al?

I will admit, the Broncos-Raiders games are great contests. Let’s face facts, over the years no teams have had more ASSES on their rosters than these two!

by Pete Whalon

Okay, maybe Niners or Cards win 9 games, but that’s all. Just in case you doubt my predictions, take a look at the QB’s leading this mess.  

49ers–Alex Smith-David Carr: Cardinals–Matt Leinart-Derek Anderson: Seahawks–Matt Hasselbeck-Charlie Whitehurst: Rams–Sam Bradford-AJ Feeley. Not too many early fantasy picks in this litter wouldn’t ya say?.

DIVISION WINNER: 49ers-8-8: With the loss of Warner, Niners leapfrog over Cards to win division, barely.

If the Niners do not win the West I will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge…maybe!

2nd: Cardinals-7-9: With problem-child Leinart getting his chance who knows what will happen.

Sign Cuba, maybe division winner.

3rd: Seahawks-6-10: Last year 21st in offense & 24th in defense. Need I say more?

“Hey dudes,  Pete Carroll here, I’m bringin’ the LA ‘tude with me….party on Hawk fans!”

Last: Rams-4-12: Last year 29th in offense & 29th in defense. Need I say more?

Nice, keep that face covered cuz the Rams are just as crappy as last year…that’s what you get for leaving California and making me a Bear fan! I’m still bitter Georgia!!!!

by Pete Whalon, aging Redondo Beach California Beach Bum!

Check out my web site, and read the first chapter of my Vietnam memoir, The Saigon Zoo Vietnam’s Other War: Sex, Drugs, Rock ‘n’ Roll” www.saigonzoo.com

Okay football fans across America, tell me a worse division than the NFC West! I dare ya!!!!

 “We gotta do something about the network pregame shows, they really blow!”

Is it just me, or do the NFL pregame shows just drive you nuts? It’s amazing to me how little information there is in a 2 hour NFL show. The childish banter, running plays in their suits and ties on a mini field and flirting with the designated Bimbo is enough to make me sick. So, starting with the premise that they all drive me crazy with their inane chatter, and mindless observations, here’s the list from worst to least irritating of the herd.

4. CBS-Worst of the bunch: Most irritating–Dan Marino–Least irritating: James Brown

3. ESPN-From best to almost worst in a few short years: MI–Tom Jackson–LI: Chris Berman

2. Fox-Has it’s monents: MI–Jimmy Johnson–LI: Curt Meneffe

1. NFL Channel-best by far but starting to add cheesy segments: MI: Rod Woodson–LI: Rich Eisen

As you probably noticed all my least irritating commentators are the hosts. Here’s my worst to best of the MI’s.

4. Worst of the bunch: Tom Jackson: He’s just too phony

“Comeon Pete, lighten up dude, I ain’t that bad”

“Sorry Tom, your holier-than-thou, politically correct ramblings just bug the Hell outta me!”

3. Next, mainly due to his Extenze adds, Jimmy Johnson.

“What are you thinking Jimmy?”

2.  Arrogant & humorless, Dan Marino comes in third.

Wow, that’s a little harsh, but pretty-boy can handle it.

1. At times insightful, however, whenever he brings up da Raiders I start to gag. Rod Woodson, the best of the worst.

Ah, Rod, there ya go again with that Gangsta Raider drivel.

And the best part of any football pregame show is:

Frank Caliendo!!!!!

by Pete Whalon

1. Ben Roethlisberger Fails Team Weigh-in: Our hidden cameras caught Big Ben stretching before his morning run around his BBQ pit. “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Ben was overheard asking his trainer.

2. Favre Marries Madden: In a shocker that rocked football fans around the globe, John Madden and Brett Favre secretly flew to Las Vegas and tied the knot. Reportedly, after the ceremony at the reception in the Mandalay Bay buffet line, Brett tossed John a pork chop that was intercepted by a blackjack dealer from Caesars Palace.

3. Al Davis Dead: It was reported this morning that Al Davis actually died on October 23, 2008. His body was kept frozen during the week and propped up in his Owner’s Box each Sunday for the game. His arm and head movements for the TV cameras were made possible by a midget standing behind him maneuvering his limbs. “He smelled like rotten fish, but the pay was great” the little man told reporters.

4. Michael Vick Mauled to Death: Just as Vick crossed the goal line in Sunday’s game, 2 Pit Bulls jumped from the stands on onto the field, caught Vick in midair and tore his body to shreds. In an obvious act of revenge, one of the pooches circled the field with Vick’s head in his powerful jaws, much to the delight of the frenzied crowd. Instant replay reviewed the touchdown and ruled that the dogs had bitten off his arm with the ball before crossing the goal line, thus taking away the apparent score. The 2 Pits were released with a warning.

5. T.O’s. “Duct Tape” Clause: It was revealed today that one of the conditions of T.O’s contract with the Bengals states, “Mr. Owens must apply Duct tape to cover his entire mouth 1 hour before kickoff and leave it in place for 1 hour after game. The trainer will supply 3 new rolls of tape before each game to Mr. Owens official “Orifice Tape Specialist.” T.O was unavailable for comment due to the fact he was practicing putting on and taking off his league issued tape.

6. Jerry Jones Face-lifts Concern Surgeons: Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, received some disturbing news recently. One of his many Plastic Surgeons issued a stern warning to the aging egomaniac: “Jerry, if your skin is pulled back anymore your penis will pop out of the top button of your shirt!”, to which Jones replied, “Do ya think the cheerleaders would like that doc?” Love him or hate him, he’s an arrogant idiot! 

by Pete Whalon,

Check out my website: www.saigonzoo.com

The start of the football season offers so many positive influnces for the male species I just don’t know where to begin.  There’s the male bonding thing, allowing like minded men to intellectually exchange thoughts on the pressing issues of our time–such as, “how do you think Ochocinco and T.O. and their massive egos will get along on and off the field this season?” Or the opportunity to unwind after a long work-week by spending 10 hours each day sitting on your ever-enlarging butt, drinking beer, eating nachos, and screaming at the tube about some idiot that just missed a chip-shot field goal and cost you a Bengie.

 “Is betting on football!”

The dirty little secret the NCAA and NFL try to keep hidden is that without gambling their sport would get lower Television ratings than curling. And don’t sit there reading this getting all high and mighty saying, “I don’t gamble on football!” Got news pal, fantasy football is gambling, office pools are gambling and picking winners in the paper where there is a cash award is gambling. There are no bigger hypocrites than professional sports organizations such as the NFL, NBA and MLB (Okay, Congress).

But this isn’t a piece about hypocrisy, it’s about the sheer joy of gambling on football.

I believe this is a Pete Rose quote to the MLB Commish.

While on the subject of Pete Rose, if they ever open a sports gambling Hall of Fame, it should be called The Rose. (Don’t confuse with Bette Midler movie/song)

“Comeon, gamblin’ is the American way, getoffa my back!”

Before I give you a few sensible tips for the upcoming season, know this: YOU WILL LOSE! Okay, let’s move on. Here are some other givens.

1. If you take advice from your idiot friends, you will lose!

2. If you take advice from network “experts” you will lose!

3. If you drink heavily before kickoff, then bet, you will lose!

4. If you do 1-3 you will lose more than you have! 

“Let’s take a question from the audience, you sir, over there in the green Dolphin shorts and the Mullet, leaning on your red pickup.”

“Aren’t there lots of wise-guys that pick winners every week for other bettors?”

“Why yes sir, there are, and there are playful Unicorns in the Forest and every rainbow has a pot of gold at each end!”

“Uni guarentees Dallas -6 at home this Sunday”

5. It’s alright to quit ahead sometimes.

The reason Vegas rakes in the green and most visitors leave Sin City down is simple–the gamblers mentality. If you are ahead, you tell yourself you are playing with “their” money and you play more and bet more. If you are down, you convince yourself it will get better and you need to get your “chichi” back, so you play more and bet more. In both cases it’s smart to quit, but most don’t. Monday Night Football is the “get even for the week night” and Vegas books love MNF for that reason–”chasers” betting too much on 1 game.

6. Knowledge is power: watch, read, absorb, and with a little luck you just might break even this year…just messin’ with ya, you’re gonna lose your ass!

Also, checkout my website: www.saigonzoo.com  and read the first chapter from my memoir about my 22 months in Vietnam (1969-71) as a lifeguard at a swimming pool. It’s the only humorous book on Nam you will find. I actually had a blast (pun intended) during my time in the lost war.

Fantasy Football (once referred to as Rotisserie Football) has been around for over 25 years. I should know, I’ve been running wild, beer swilling, junk food munching drafts in my garage since the 80’s.

Unfortunately my fellow team owners didn’t appreciate me awarding myself the first 3 draft picks for hosting.

First of all, there are no “experts” when it comes to Fantasy Football. As with poker, craps, blackjack, sports betting and picking a mate, the odds are stacked against you from the start. If you check out the rosters of most league winners at the end of the season you will see 2 or 3 undrafted players on the list that came out of nowhere to have monster seasons. Miles Austin is a classic example from last year. Compare top 100 lists from year to year. They change drastically. So, if you believe, like me, there are no FF experts, read on. If not, you probably consider yourself an expert, telling me you’re an egotistical, sociopathic blight on the human race.  

Here are 10 simple rules you won’t see in the $15 Fantasy Football books polluting the  magazine racks this year.

1. Join a crap load of teams. The internet is bursting with leagues from free to $1000 entry fees. Join 20 leagues, odds are you will win at least 1 championship. Single that league out when bragging to your buddies. They never have to know about the 19 losers.

2. Cheat whenever possible.

3. When picking a name for your team do not include any part of your name. There is nothing more lirritating than “Billy’s Boys”, “Mark’s Maulers”, “Philly Phil’s Phanatics” or “Betty & Bob’s Bandits”.

4. Offer ridiculous trades. Nothing pisses off serious players more than a preposterous trade offer. Here’s a good one to start the season off: “I’ll give you the Bills defense for Tom Brady”.

5. When your turn in the draft approaches, decide on 2 players you want. When it’s your pick, flip a coin to decided on which one to select.

6. Start your own league with guys who no nothing about football…better yet, recruit women to join, or young kids, or your grandparents. Volunteer at a retirement home and start a league there.

7. Collude (for those of you residing in the Southern states it means conspire…ok, seceretly cheat with someone else) with last place team owner, playing on his disdain for any of those ahead of him in standings.

8. Any trade offers (not involving yourself of course) scream cheat, fraud, collusion (ok rednecks, seceretly cheating) or fix. It just might intemidate the weaker owners from seeking future trades.

“Isee talkin’ ’bout us Billy Bob?”

9. Much like a Tiger hunting a young, defenseless Zebra from the herd for slaughter, identify the weak or ignorant owners and become their buddy. It just might come in handy at season’s end. If you need him to lose a game so you make the playoffs he just might trust you enough to take your advice and sit Adrian Peterson and play Brian Leonard, 3rd string RB for the Bengals.

Not humping, hunting!

10. Last and most important, HAVE FUN–and the only way to accomplish that is to win your league! Remember, from January to September is a long stretch and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of the other owners endless, junivial taunts for 8 months. When it comes to Fantasy Football, “Winning isn’t everything”…well, you know the rest.

 Pete Whalon

Also, checkout my website: www.saigonzoo and read the first chapter from my vietnam memoir about my 22 months in Vietnam as a lifeguard at a swimming pool. It’s the only funny book on Nam you will find. I actually enjoyed my time in the lost war.