Pyle of List

Listen, I know this is being done everywhere. In fact, we did something very similar just last year. But I don’t care, THIS IS JUST THAT IMPORTANT!

This coming up Sunday is my favorite holiday of the year. Better than Christmas (no family drama, buying presents, etc.). Better than my birthday (because, really, who cares about me?). Even better than the fourth of July (which is saying a lot because I love bbq-ing and blowing things up).

Super Bowl Sunday is amazing. It’s the one day when I’m expected to eat too much and drink till I puke. I have a free pass to basically live like a fully grown child, indulging any and every whim that crosses my rum soaked mind.

So with all that laid out, hopefully now you understand why I must force this information down your throats like that one last hot wing you know you shouldn’t be eating. I don’t care if everyone’s doing it, I want to make sure everyone gets the essentials for Sunday, so they can truly enjoy this magical day. Enjoy!

The Food

Appetizers

This is not the time to skimp. Over buy on everything. Buying chips? Get four kinds of varying flavors (One of them should be a “dipping” chip, the rest should be pre-flavored in some way). Buying pretzels? Get twist, straight, and some of those guys with peanut butter inside. Whatever your pregame poison is, get a ton of it. I might also suggest you have at least one option that is a bit heartier (like wings, as mentioned above). People are going to be drinking, and you want to soak up some of that booze before someone knocks that picture of Nana off the wall and ruins your day.

Main Course

For me, there are three options here:

1. BBQ - During halftime you grill up any and all meat in the house. That package of bacon in the back of the freezer since last spring? Grill it! The bologna for your kid’s lunch? Grill it! Grill it all and then enjoy during the second half.
2. Pizza - This is the best for you/us lazy guys out there. Both Pizza Hut and Papa John’s have great deals going right now, so take advantage. But don’t think you’re the only genius that thought of this non-cooking option. Call early, perhaps at the start of the game or right as the first quarter is ending. DO NO WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE HUNGRY TO CALL! There will undoubtedly be a wait, and you don’t want 10-15 hungry and drunk guys just sitting and stewing at your house.
3. Whatever your wife/girlfriend wants to cook - I am not too big of a fan of this option for two main reasons. The firs being, it’s kind of weird to say “hey, let me just be a man with other men today…but still cook for me”. Or maybe I’m just whipped, who knows. The other is you don’t have any control over what she’s making. Sure, she could get it right and make an awesome chicken/cheese/buffalo sauce medley that is the hit of the part. But it’s also just as likely that she makes something too fancy. “Oh no, I love this stuffed eggplant. Go Saints!”

Dessert

My third grade English teacher taught me how to remember the difference between ‘dessert’ and ‘desert’ by saying “Well, everyone wants seconds on dessert, so there are two ’s’s…”. That woman was not crazy, no matter what the school board voted! If you think men are too tough for dessert, you are wrong. Does that mean you should go out and get a chocolate fountain or some sort of souffle? No. But it does mean you should have some sweets on hand for after the main course. Cookies, candy, twinkies, maybe even some ice cream. Just make sure you have something for the fourth quarter.

The Drink

Notice how this gets it’s own category, separate from food. That’s because that’s how you should view it. In fact, make two trips to the store (one for food, the other for drinks) just so you don’t get clouded and make a poor, rash decision. Let’s take a look at the requirements (note: you could also learn some lessons from this gentleman):

• Booze - Duh, right? You need to have a good range of options. Cheap beer, medium grade beer, and hard alcohol is a good place to start. The medium grade beer should be drank first, while you are still enjoying the taste. As the game wears on and you get drunker, switch to the cheap stuff since it’s all going to taste the same while you’re throwing it up.
• Mixers - If your hard alcohol is clear like vodka or gin, then get a couple of juice options. If it’s dark like a whiskey or rum, then get some soda options. This also serves as a great double dip, because now you also have options for non-drinkers in your crew (read: pussies).
• Water - this is merely to try and save as much face as possible the next day. After the game, while you’re cleaning and/or partaking in whatever drunken debauchery you’ve moved onto, now is the time to start chugging water. You’ll thank me in the morning.

The People

Make sure you know who is coming to the party. You want to make sure you have at least 90% of the crowd be people who like football and are into the game. It’s okay to have one or two guys who “don’t really follow football” or “just want to watch the commercials” because they will get drowned out by everyone else, and eventually will switch over to being into the game, just to fit in. Here a few other people to avoid at all costs during a Super Bowl party:

• Girls - sorry, ladies, but it’s true. Unless you are actually a football fan and into the game, you will make this party just a little less great. Eventually you will want something that the majority doesn’t, but because you have your man wrapped around your finger he will feel obliged to make you happy. That puts him in a very weird place and ruins his day. And please please please please please don’t get into a pissy mood then sit in the middle of the couch all game. No one wants that, Monica.
• Kids - I should clarify, kids under 8. 8 and up, and they will try to sit/fit in with the big boys and behave themselves. 8 and under and they just don’t understand why something other than Spongebob is on the TV.
• Hardcore fans of one team - I know this one makes the least sense, but I’m speaking from experience. This is the biggest gamble of a Super Bowl party. The payoff is huge…if their team wins you will get to share an all-time high with them. But the loss…if their team loses…is too much to handle. Next thing you know, you’re at a bar in Koreatown drinking things you don’t really want to drink, and falling down in the bar. You ever put your hands on the ground in a bar? Yeah, try and keep it that way.

The Setup

Again, a lot of this stuff seems simple and obvious, but you wouldn’t believe the number of people that screw it up. Let’s just run down the list of everything you must have:

• Big TV - If you don’t have one, don’t bother hosting a party. And while we’re at it…
• HD TV - What’s the point of having a big ‘ol flatscreen if it’s not HD?
• Ample seating - And I don’t mean metal folding chairs. You should have a couple couches, at least one big comfy chair that the fat guy can fall asleep in during the third quarter, and a few other options. It’s okay to have people sit on the floor, just make sure you have enough floor space for them to lay down/stretch out as the game goes on.
• A plan for halftime - Don’t make everyone sit around awkwardly and conversate. We’re probably too drunk for that. Just something fun and quick is all that’s needed. Maybe some darts or videogames if you’re set up for that, or something as simple as throwing a football around outside. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it just should feel like a book club meeting between quarters 2 and 3.
• Spare beds - We all have that one friend that is going to get too drunk without having a contingency plan for getting home. Be prepared to have him crash on your spare bed. If you don’t have a spare bed, make sure you have a couch that is sleep-able.

There you go. You are now prepared. So go out, get your supplies in order, and get ready for the greatest day of the year…SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!