Friday, January 15th, 2010...1:39 pm
Hater’s Ball:Divisional QB Edition
Hate hate hate hate hate hate!
We all hate. Some pretend they don’t, but deep down inside, they know they do.
Hate is one of the purest emotions, and can really motivate some people to perform above and beyond where they normally perform at. So this weekend, when you find yourself losing a bit of steam in your cheering as the days roll along, use this guide to ignite the fires of hate inside you, and propel you to cheer your heart out.
Also, I’ve brought along a friend to help dispense the hate: 2002 Hater of the year, Silky Johnson.
Enjoy!
Kurt Warner vs. Drew Brees
Why you should hate Kurt - Unless you yourself are a bible thumper, then that is reason #1. Listen, I know I’m not a good person. I also know I’m not a pro athlete. But do I need this guy throwing both of those facts into my face every Sunday? Hell no! Kurt is like that character in a high school movie that is so successful and such a good person that you can’t help but hate him. Except in this high school movie, the head chearleader is a Gremlin.
Silky Johnson’s take: “I’m not sure who has more stubble, that dude’s face…or Kurt Warner’s!”
Why you should hate Drew - He was in a frat in college! Ugh, I hate fratties. I know there are some good guys out there who are also in frats, but that is not the majority. Most fratties are loud, obnoxious, and date rapists. And please, for the love of Kurt Warner’s God, please stop wearing flip flops with jeans! You’re giving all young people a bad name.
Silky Johnson’s take: “I’d probably have to pay for friends too if I had the continent of Africa tattooed on my face.”
Joe Flacco vs. Peyton Manning
Why you should hate Joe - How can you really like anyone who plays for a Baltimore team, other than Cal Ripken Jr. Flacco gets all this praise for being a winning QB when really all he does is rely on The Rays (Lewis and Rice) to get the job done for him. If you only need someone to throw for 43 yards in order to win a playoff game, then any of us could do that. Give me this guy’s millions of dollars!
Silky Johnson’s take: “I’d squash that caterpillar crawling across that guy’s face, but I wouldn’t want to get the guts on my Gators.”
Why you should hate Peyton - Week 16. Plain and simple. I know it wasn’t his decision, most likely, but that doesn’t change the way that his team screwed us, the fans. They had a shot at immortality, but they chose to completely disregard it. So since they gave us the finger with their antics, I say we give it right back to them! Oh, and all the damn commercials. You are taking jobs from struggling, wannabe actors!
Silky Johnson’s take: “Someone call the scientists from Jurassic Park, I found a pterodactyl fetus!”
Tony Romo vs. Brett Favre
Why you should hate Tony - “Oh, this hot famous blond isn’t good enough, let me upgrade.” Sheesh. Talk about a guy hitting way out of his league. I shouldn’t have to hear about my pro athletes on celebrity gossip sites. Especially ones with extra slippery hands. Get your never-won-anything-in-your-life ass out of my consciousness. Oh, and for all you racists out there: he’s part Mexican.
Silky Johnson’s take: “This guy looks like the only balls that don’t slip through his hands belong to other dudes.”
Why you should hate Brett - Where to begin?! The Wrangler commercials? The retirement flip flop? The Peter King knob slobbing? There is almost too much to pick from when it comes to hating Brett Favre. I prefer to focus on the completely bs premise that this millionaire star athlete who clearly loves the spotlight is just an ‘aw shucks’ everyman who ‘just loves the game’. Horse crap!
Silky Johnson’s take: “When you look up ‘honkey’ in the dictionary, this is the picture that you will see. Goddamn cracker!”
Mark Sanchez vs. Phillip Rivers
Why you should hate Mark - Are you a California golden boy or an east coaster? Make up your mind, terrible rookie QB! Oh, and racists, please note that last name.
Silky Johnson’s take: “Sanchez, huh? Well, I hate to make fun of another struggling minority trying to make it in the white man’s world…but if this refried bean was trying to be any whiter, he’d be George Lopez!”
Why you should hate Phillip - Most people hate him because of his constant trash talking on and off the field. Dude is loud and in your face at all times. But I don’t fault him for that. No, I fault him for constantly pushing abstinence on America’s youth. Wait, you’re telling girls NOT to have sex with random dudes? But I’m a random dude. It’s like you are directly costing me sex. How dare you, sir!
Silky Johnson’s take: “Phillip Rivers’ passes stay up in the air longer than his tiny white penis while he tries to have sex with his wife through a sheet they cut a dick hole in.”
So there you go. Get out there and hate hate hate!
10 Comments
January 15th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
This is pitiful. The only remotely accurate sections belong to Mark Sanchez, Tony Romo, and Brett Favre. Who can hate a guy like Kurt Warner? Besides, I don’t know what pictures you’ve been looking at but his wife is hot! He continued dating her even after he found out her kid had Autism. You have provided VERY poor reasons to dislike the majority of these players. Yes I do know it is a joke, but it is an epic failure.
January 15th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Weak bro. You certainly have no future in comedy.
January 16th, 2010 at 6:38 am
Hey, can’t let those numbnuts comments go by. That was funny. Remember, you can’t actually see the people who post comments; otherwise you’d just laugh at them and throw them a nickel for their next cup of coffee. Remember all those freaks that you used to pick on in study hall? They now have pictures of Kurt Warner on their bathroom mirror, which is only made worse by the fact that they just turned 40 last week. Quarterbacks are overrated. It’s the moron fan who wants to hang every loss and victory on the quarterback. How much time these prima donnas have to throw has everything to do with how great they are. As Silky Johnson says, “I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else, but you.”
January 16th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Yeah, I can’t believe they bothered to feature you on Hot Clicks. This was poor writing. Even if you were trying to go the comedy route and not just the “I’m saying ridiculous stuff so people will pay attention” route, you failed. Horribly.
January 16th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Two thumbs down
January 16th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
WTF is this? This has no room in a sports website. Let’s go ahead and promote racial stereotypes; cheapen good morals and the display of poor sportsmanship. Pathetic.
January 16th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
WEAK - I was hoping for at least some humor, when I realized it was general information my wife would know………….WEAK
How about telling us something we wouldn’t know!
Sanitation Department is hiring, it appears you are great at taking out the trash
Can I get your job? I don’t have the credentials - either
.
January 16th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I was gagging when I was reading every single one of these poor attempts at being funny, and the Silky Johnston responses were the finger in my throat that made the gates open and the vomit flow.
January 16th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
My mistake, I thought this was a website frequented primarily by members of the male gender. Apparently I’m mistaken because of all the panties I see in a bunch up above. The piece was meant to be a minor, humorous departure, and it dealt directly with a sports topic. Not sure what you guys were expecting, but this was funny. I’m a Christian guy, I like Romo and Warner an awful lot, and this was still funny. Pull out the wedgies, pull the sticks out of your *** and laugh. It was funny, unless your significant others have your testicles under lock and key somewhere. Looks like Bro above still has a pair tho……
January 17th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Hilarious! And for all you haters dissing this may your testicles fall off and get eaten by your dog!!! HATE, HATE, HATE!!!
Leave a Reply