Pyle of List

Looking at this picture, you might come to the conclusion that Dallas Maverick player Dirk Nowitzki is drunk.  This would be correct, but more importantly than that, it acts as a soothsayer, giving us a glimpse into the life that Dirk will soon be experiencing.  The dark circles under the blank eyes evoke a sense of impending doom and lack of awareness.  The tongue sticking out shows the loss of rational control to the mouth, which will now operate only in a frenzied, blood-seeking manner.  And the slightly raised middle finger is a statement against the world that created him; the world he will soon destroy.

For, you see, Dirk Nowitzki has just become a zombie.

The transformation may have not yet taken place, but it’s coming.  It’s a result of an incident that happens in the Mavericks’ December 18th game against the Houston Rockets.  Nowitzki’s elbow collided with Carl Landry’s mouth, breaking three of his teeth and embedding some of the tooth pieces into Dirk’s flesh.  Seriously, they have to be fished out by the team doctor.

Not wanting to cause a panic, the press would have us believe that this happened because Landry was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But that’s not true.  He was just where he wanted to be.  Sinking his teeth into Dirk’s flesh.

Would it have been easier to just straight up bite Nowitzki?  Absolutely.  But then there’s no possible cover story, and Landry gets busted for trying to create an army of the undead for God knows what purposes.

You don’t believe me?  Well, Dirk is not the first recruit.  In April of last year, he bit the Utah Jazz’s Carlos Boozer on the forearm.  Sure, the media would have us believe that he simply had a tooth knocked out while going for a block.  It’s true that his tooth did come out, and none of it got stuck in Boozer’s skin.  But it was more than enough of an attack to transform Boozer into what he is today:

See the skin outbreak and the evil, dead eyes?  Boozer may continue to play professional basketball, but he will comply to Landry’s bidding as soon as the time comes.

Still not enough evidence?  Landry also “lost a tooth” to teammate Dikembe Mutombo during a practice shortly before the Boozer incident, no doubt testing whether the transference would work under game conditions while still looking like an accident.

This is Mutombo now:

See how he lifts his victim so that their stomach and intestines, the tastiest part of the human body, are at the perfect height for him to bite?  After gorging himself there, he will then proceed to the brain, which he always saves for dessert.

So that is three victims Carl Landry has already turned to the powers of darkness.  Of course, these are only the three he’s done in public (two on national television).  Who knows how many countless fans, streetballers, and hobos he’s converted outside of the watchful eye of society?

The obvious question is how Landry continues to be a functioning, non-zombie despite possessing the ability to pass the disease onto other people.  Perhaps he has some type of immunity, either self-created or inherited.  Or maybe he’s not a zombie but a vengeful demon able to turn humans into his mindless slaves.  But one thing’s for certain.  Carl Landry plans to create an army of the living dead and use it to destroy mankind.

Just look at the photographic evidence: