Pyle of List

College bowl season officially starts tomorrow, which means the football season is that much closer to being over.  Only 34 games left.  Some of them feature some great match-ups between conferences, something we’re seeing less and less of during the regular season due to teams not wanting to hurt their BCS chances.

But to be honest, we couldn’t care less about most of these games.  They exist purely so the sponsors can run six thousand terrible commercials for their product during the broadcast.  Sure, we’ll watch them just because we know we’ll soon have to go 7 long months without.  But why not make the bowls a lot more interesting?

Here are some suggestions, based on the locations, the teams involved, and the sponsors, to make the bowl games much more enjoyable.

New Mexico Bowl:  Punish the losing team by making all of the players and coaches live in New Mexico until the next regular season starts.  That would definitely motivate both sides.  As bad as Fresno (State) and Wyoming are (as places I mean, not teams), they’re still preferable to living in the “Land of Enchantment.”

St. Petersburg Bowl (presented by Beef ‘O’ Brady’s):  Winning team gets to go to the local Beef ‘O’ Brady’s and have a team meal where they laugh and play like you see high school teams do it in the movies.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Have both teams visit the local neighborhoods and help out the still recovering Katrina Victims in some way.  This probably already happens, but my suggestion is to not film it and make a pandering documentary about it.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Two words.  Gay. Magicians.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl:  If Utah wins, all the Cal players must convert to Mormonism.  If Cal wins, all the Utah players must become ACLU lawyers.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl:  Hawaii is a gentle nation designed for fun and play.  They like to throw the ball around and not worry about playing defense (just look at their state team).  As such, running and tackling should be kept to a minimum.  Anyone who kills the buzz has to chill out for a minute, brah.

Little Ceasars Bowl: In accordance with their “30 minutes or less policy,” the pizza chain only puts 30 minutes on the clock, which runs continuously.  This spares audiences the pain of watching a terrible 6-6 Marshall team play a mediocre Ohio team, and allows all the participants and fans to get the hell out of Detroit as soon as possible.

Meineke Car Care Bowl:  All players from the winning team get a free oil change.  If you know what I mean.

Emerald Bowl:  Leaves a ton of nuts on the field prior to the game, which should attract a whole lot of squirrels.  Allow the squirrels to act as distractions, entertainment, and eligible receivers.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl:  To take advantage of the Nashville setting, have both teams come together to record a throw-back country song, completes with mouth harp, washtub, and a huge lineman blowing into an empty moonshine bottle.

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl:  Find the dumbest player from each team and give bonus points to the one who can actually explain what AdvoCare does.

EagleBank Bowl:  Show a collection of famous bank robbery scenes from films at halftime, all re-filmed with eagles.

Champs Sports Bowl: Film a commercial where the players walked into a Champs store, get exceptional service, then leave after they realize they get all the free athletic gear they want already.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl:  Allow a spokesperson from Roady’s Truck Stops to try to explain what the heck its company has to do with humanitarianism.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl:  Encourage the fans to bring ponchos, then blow up one of the whales featured in the commercials.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl:  Well this is just obvious.  Let’s get some freaking helicopters up in there.  Air Force is playing, so they can provide them.  And if any quarterback can hit a guy hanging out of a moving chopper, it’s Houston’s Case Keenum.  If a ball gets destroyed by the helicopter blades, that counts as a safety.

Brut Sun Bowl: See if the Brut executives have faith in their product.  Let them give their best stuff to the teams and then, immediately after the game, they must stick their nose under each players armpit and inhale deeply.

Texas Bowl:  Since it’s in Houston, the winning team gets to go to space.  So does the losing team, but they have to hold their breath the entire time.

Insight Bowl:  Stream free wi-fi into the stadium so that receivers can Twitter to the quarterback when they’re open.

Chick-fil-A Bowl:  Award the offensive and defensive MVPs free Chick-fil-A forever.  You will never, EVER, see a tougher fought, harder played game of football in your entire life.

Outback Bowl:  The announcers have to speak with terrible Australian accents and use as much Aussie lingo as possible.

Capital One Bowl:  During halftime, bring out all the writers of all those terrible Capital One commercials we’ve had to endure over the years for a fake “appreciation presentation.” Then release a tiger and a mountain lion onto the field.  Either Penn State or LSU will be awarded an extra timeout for the second half depending on which animal gets more kills.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl:  Put a gator pit in the middle of the field.  Any punt, kick-off, or fumble that goes into it can be recovered by either team.  And any players who fall into it can be recovered by the gators.

Rose Bowl (presented by Citi):  A beautiful bed of roses is planted in the back of each endzone.  And you’d better not mess them up with your footballin’, or Mrs. Emberly will chase after you with her broom and then tell your mom.

Allstate Sugar Bowl:  Replace all the Gatorade with Kool-Aid.  Watch as the sugar highs wear off.

International Bowl:  Play by Canadian Football rules.  The best part will be watching the players crash into the goalposts.

Papajohns.com Bowl: Allow the president of Papa Johns to join the announcers so he can complain about the fact that his company doesn’t get a bowl but the website does.

AT&T Cotton Bowl: Load the endzones with bushy cotton to allow for more creative touchdown dives.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl:  Keep both teams in jail for a week prior and tell them that the losing team will have to stay for another week.  Make a reality show about it.

Valero Alamo Bowl:  Play it in the actual Alamo.  Or a Valero station.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl:  Douse the winning coach with salsa.  Release the confetti by letting the players smack a giant pinata.  And when it’s all said and done, disperse the crowd from the field by releasing a torrent of nacho cheese onto them.

FedEx Orange Bowl:  Give each fan one orange they are allowed to throw at any time during the game or halftime show.  Any person who causes a fumble, incomplete pass, or injury gets an “most awesome person ever” award.

GMAC Bowl: All attendees receive free automotive financing on all cars stolen from the surrounding Mobile area.

Citi BCS National Championship Game: Play with the crystal football.  First team to score a touchdown wins it.  But if it breaks, neither team gets it.  Dilemma.