Pyle of List

Gawd damn right! *spits tobacco on ground*

I was cruisin’ around dem der internets, when I comes across this little diddy. Jeff Kent: second baseman of the decade! And all I can say is, ‘BOUT DAMN TIME! This good ‘ol boy has been tellin’ everyone that since 1999! I would walk out of the shower up in San Francisco and yell it to anyone that would listen, “Hey! Jeff Kent is the best danged second baseman of the 2000’s!” Then some nancy boy like Rob Nenn would say something like “But it’s only 1999…” and then I would have to slap him like a Puerto Rican that wants to get paid when he ain’t even trimmed the hedges yet!

Look at those numbers! “The 2000 MVP averaged 24 homers, 36 doubles and 94 RBIs over his nine seasons during the ’00s…”. And they didn’t even mention all my great dirt bike ridin’ trophies I got in the back room, next to the stuffed squirrel that I done run over one time. They later go on to talk about that good for nothin’ darkie Barry Bonds, even going so far as to call us “frenemy”s. Now, I don’t know what that word means, but I’m pretty sure it was made up by the queer media. So I punched my computer one real hard. Pretty sure it got the message.

Bud dag nabbit, speakin’ of a message, I forgot the whole reason I started rantin’ and ravin’ about this! You see, since my prediction from 1999 about me bein’ the best dang second baseman of the dang 2000’s has finally come true, I’m here to let you know about some other claims of mine whose truth showin’ is comin’ down the pipe like a flat slider from a dirty Dominican that yer ‘ol boy Jeff Kent is about to smash into the stands. You can thank me later!

• The Holocaust was real, just didn’t go down like we was told. Wasn’t no Nazi’s roundin’ up and killin’ Jews! It was Jews roundin’ up and killin’ all the non Jews!
• Turns out, the Phillipines don’t really exist.
• Betcha I can throw a football over dem der mountains!
• Ichiro is a robot.
• The polar ice caps is meltin’! It’s God’s way of exterminatin’ the gay penguin population.

So there you have it! Some truths that you can take to the bank, courtesy of yer ‘ol friend Jeff Kent. Remember, never trust the Portugese, and GOD BLESS ‘MERICA!