Pyle of List

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Hey, Christmas is in two days! Hooray! Thanks for the clothes that don’t fit mom! No, I can understand how you thought I was an XL. Most 6 foot guys who weight 160 wear XLs. I’m just weird.

Since I already know I’m probably not going to get anything on my list for Christmas from my parents, I want to appeal to the one person that can help me: Internet Santa.

So, Internet Santa, here are all my sports desires for you to drop down my chimney tomorrow night. Enjoy!

12 Sugar Free Rockstars

As I’ve already outlined, this is a crucial part of my rec league softball regimen. 12 would get me at least to MLKJ day.

11th Hour Baseball Deals

Already we’ve had two big trades in baseball, but this greedy little boy wants more, and I want them now! It’s pretty common knowledge that no free agency stuff will happen for the week between Xmas and New Years Day, so I want something crazy to happen right before everyone goes back and pretends to like their families. “Matt Holliday to the Pirates?!?! Heck yeah!”

10 Tiger Porn Puns

The perfect stocking stuffers! How about some of these classics:

Hole in One

Blasian Schoolgirls

Drive for Show, Butt for Dough

Clubhouse Cheaters

Red Shirt, White Girls

Playing the Back Nine

Ball Washers

Michelson’s Tit Parade

Tiger vs. Cougar(s)

Bang Rolls-Royce

9 Rum and Diet Cokes

What? I like to get drunk on the holidays.

8 Erin Andrews’

Cmon, scientists, get busy on making this happen! If one favorite sideline leggy blond is good, 8 is even better. I imagine it would happen like House of Cosbys where each one was talented in one specific area (i.e. carpentry, baking, fighting crime in a tight latex costume).

7th Inning Stretches

The holidays are about one thing: gorging oneself on food. There are hams to be eaten, and treats a plenty! Sometimes, you just need to take a time-out and stand up and stretch when you’re committing the deadly sin of gluttony.

6 Epic Fails

I don’t care who it is, or even what sport it is, I just want to see some folks crash and burn while sitting by a crackling fire with the ones I love. Dallas/Vikings collapse down the stretch? That’ll do. NBA players bricking dunks? Also acceptable. This time of year it is glaringly obvious that I am not a millionaire, which makes me sad. So, I want to watch some millionaires be sad. It’s the American way.

5 Miken Freak 98s (preferably 27 ounces)

As I’ve already stated, I play a lot of rec league softball. This is about the hottest bat that they allow in ASA sanctioned play. I need it so I can keep dropping nukes on opponents. But why 5? Because I’m forgetful. Probably has something to do with the 9 rum and diets…

#4 Disappearing

Okay, that does it, I’m sick of Favre. Just one month ago I was actually okay with the guy. He was playing very well and wasn’t even getting overexposed by the media for it. Now? It’s all I can do to go 5 minutes without hearing some talking head prattling on and on about this tiff with him and Chilly. Ugh, I don’t care. No one (outside of Minnesota) cares. Please get this guy off my TV. You know who deserves the be talked about? Chris Johnson. Guy is probably going to rush for 2,000 yards this season. Why isn’t he being shoved down our collective throats? Must not have the requisite stubble.

3 NFL Games on Christmas Day

There is a day in November where all families gather around to eat, be merry, and watch three NFL games with each other. When that same phenomenon happens a month later, the NFL doesn’t even bother loading the day up with games. What is the deal here, people? I can only stomach about 20 minutes of family time before I need the sweet sweet distraction of football and booze. How can I make that happen if there’s only one game?

2 Bears Riding Horses

To be honest, I only want this because the kid down the street got one…

1 Good Game Between Kobe and Bron Bron

Okay, NBA, you gave us the marquee match-up, now let’s actually have it deliver. I don’t want some snoozefest where these two juggernauts have normal games. I want highlight reel play after highlight reel play. Oh, and a minimum of two awkward Shaq/Kobe one armed hugs.