Pyle of List

By now you’ve been inundated with World Series coverage. You know who’s doing well (Sabathia, Lee, Rodriguez, Utley) and who is slumping (Howard, Texiera). You get it. In fact, you more than get it.

And yet here I am writing about. The good news for both of us is that my alcohol riddled brain has seen past the things everyone is talking about, to the deeper issues. Behold!

What everyone else is talking about:

Shouldn’t you have stopped pitching to Utley, like, a week ago?

How I see it:

The guy is on an unbelievable tear. And the guy behind him (Howard) isn’t hitting his weight (which is actually a challenge considering Howard’s love for food). So why are we pitching to him again? Simple: conspiracy! MLB wants the series to get to game 7 so they can milk advertising dollars to the very end. So, they paid the Yankees an undisclosed sum of money so they would act stupid enough to pitch to the guy who can’t get out. It’s genius, really. Come to think of it, why are the Phillies still pitching to A-Rod at this point? DOUBLE CONSPIRACY!

What everyone else is talking about:

How cranky will old man Pettite be after not getting his normal nap time?

How I see it:

Yeah, we get it, Pettite is old and is pitching on three days rest. Yawn. How come no one is talking about Pedro Martinez being crazy and pitching on six days rest?! Listen, I’ve known a few crazy people in my time and the last thing you want them to have is extra time on their hands. Well, I guess the last thing is sharp objects. But right before that is extra time. So the Phillies gave a guy who threw an old man (note: not old man Pettite) to the ground for a ‘yo mamma’ diss more time to sit around and let the Soul Glo seep into his brain? Oh. Great. No thanks, I’m sure I can see the fireworks fine from right here.

What everyone else is talking about:

Does A-Rod think he’s a centaur?

How I see it:

A-Rod is hitting in the postseason for the first time as a Yankee, so people have to search for new things to rip him about, apparently. So an ex of his comes out and says he has a picture of himself as a centaur over his bed and people give him the stink eye. I say we should all be hi-fiving that guy! Are you kidding me?! I would kill to have a picture of myself as a mythical creature! The closest I’ve come is this picture I took at the pier where it looks like I’m a mermaid. But it’s not the same. You know why this whistle blowing dish is an ex? Because she doesn’t get how awesome things are.

What everyone else is talking about:

Who would start a theoretical game 7 for Philly?

How I see it:

How come you don’t see any new pinball machines anymore? I love pinball! And not that 3D Star Wars crap. Good old fashioned ‘hit the ramp to lite MULTIBALL’ pinball. My dad used to take me to arcades whenever it was his weekend, and I always scoffed at him playing pinball. Then one day, he asked me what happened if I did really well at my fighting game I loved so much? I told I would beat the game, I guess. He pointed out that if he does really well in pinball, he gets to play again…FOR FREE! Ever since that day I have loved pinball. Oh, sorry, you really care about the pitching thing? It’ll be Hamels, duh!