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I play softball.

A lot of softball.

Probably too much softball.

And I definitely take it too seriously. If only you could see this leg injury that I suffered just one week ago while sliding into third. Yes, sliding, in a beer league softball game that had no bearing on anything whatsoever (we ended up losing the game 27-6) . Shouldn’t someone that two and a half years of high school baseball know how to execute a proper slide? Probably. But the sun was in my eye! Coach dicked me over! Is this dirt regulation?!

And I’m not alone. There are millions of us across this great nation (’Merica!) that play recreational sports and take them way too seriously. Your game may not be softball, it may be 4 on 4 basketball. Or perhaps a little rough-touch football is your game. Either way, you play for that hour like your life depends on it!

But are you doing everything you can to get yourself prepared for the game? Are you taking each and every step to ensure that you will dominate over those other failed high school (and sometimes junior college) athletes? Well fear not! I’m here to show you the way to success! And totally free of charge! In fact, all I ask is for a little ointment for my leg, it really stings…Enjoy!Gameday - Morning

Don’t think the true game starts the second your alarm goes off? Well it does! You are t-minus 10-12 hours before gametime, and it’s time to get things started. Let’s go, champ!

Hit snooze

Your body needs to be well rested. Go ahead and give yourself an extra 10 minutes. What’s the worst that could happen?

Wind sprints

Aw, crap! You accidentally turned the alarm off rather than hit snooze. No need to panic, but definitely a need to hustle. Don’t worry, these fast decisions you are making (pop tart or protein bar? What do you do, hotshot?!) will get your mind into the place it needs to be for the game tonight.

Gym

Gotta hit the gym on Gameday. The determined look on your face will let all the girls on the eliptical machines know that you have no time for them, there is only victory in your heart (and a half-y in your pants. Hey, if you didn’t want me to look, you would have put a shirt on over that sports bra!). Be sure to do exercises that are specific to your sport, no matter how ridiculous you may look.

Energy drink

By now, all the adrenaline from oversleeping has left your body, and coupled with the workout, you’re clearly gassed. Go ahead and pick up your favorite brand. Mine is Rockstar Sugar Free!

Gameday - At Work

While you’d love to spend the day hitting the cages/shooting free throws/drinking beer, Janis from accounting needs those reports. Not to worry, the training doesn’t stop in the cube!

Hand squeezers

Oh man, your forearms are going to look so jacked! And every sport requires strong forearms. But be prepared for “I know why your forearms are so jacked…” jokes. They mean you masturbate a lot. Just shake them off. They’re just jealous.

Stretching

Everytime you walk anywhere during your work day you should be stretching. Lunges will work the hips and groin, twists will get your abs primed, and arm circles will get those shoulders loose. Also a great way to prime people to ask about your league and how you’re doing in it. Answer: “Awesome!”.

Lunch

There are two schools of thought here: 1) If you are like me, you can only play sports on a completely empty stomach, basically to the point of passing out. This means a big lunch is in order, because you’re not going to foolishly eat dinner before the game. Downfall? You are going to drop a major duece at work. 2) If you like to play on a full stomach (fool) then you need to eat conservatively at lunch knowing you will be dining again before the game. Downside? You might crap your pants while running.

Energy drink

Ugh, all that food is really weighing me down. Time to perk up!

Music

Music is the perfect way to awaken the killer instinct inside of you. But make sure you have headphones at your desk, as no one else wants to hear Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” on repeat for six hours (this is what makes you a winner, and them all losers!).

Gameday - Pregame

Snacks

On your way home, stop by the convenience store and get your favorite sports snack. Seeds, gum, chaw, whatever. And perhaps a nudie magazine. Hey, increase bloodflow can’t hur, right?

Videogames

Seems a bit counter intuitive, right? Well, that’s because you’re doing it wrong! Put away your fancy pants XBox 360s and PS3s, they will do you no good here. The only acceptable console is the SNES. Since I play softball, I pop in Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball (NOT Ken Griffey Jr.’s Winning Run. That game sucked.). By now, I’ve already edited my team to have the names of all the people on my softball team. This will help me visualize success on the field later. If your sports is basketball, I suggest NBA Hangtime (superior to NBA Jam because it has alley oops!). For footballers, easy: Techmo Super Bowl.

Outfit

Dress. For. Success. Make sure you have as much gear as possible. Wristbands, armbands, headbands, cups, socks, jocks, sneakers, cleats, shades, hats, gloves, goggles, bats, balls, helmets, jerseys. Leave no corner of Sports Chalet unturned! But don’t linger in any of those corners too long, people will look at you weird. Especially since you “forgot” to leave that nudie magazine at home.

Energy drink

One more for the road!

Gameday - Postgame

Piss green from so many energy drinks

Wow, that can’t be healthy…

Go out for beers with teammates

Win or lose (although after these tips, you probably aren’t ever going to lose again) you’ve got to go out for beers. It’s mandatory. It lets the lesser players on your team know that you’re there for them off the field/court as well as on. Also, it was cold tonight and you can kind of see that girl Terry’s nipples through her shirt.

“Tug the rat”

If you won, then you earned it! If you lost, then you need to numb the pain! Besides, you wouldn’t want that nudie mag to go to waste.

Sleep

Rest, fair champion. For next week the saga starts all over again. Or tomorrow night, if you’re like me and play in way to many softball leagues.