Pyle of List

The other day a friend of mine, who has done some amateur boxing in the past, informed me that he would soon be competing in a chessboxing competition.  Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  Contests box for a round, then play timed chess for a round, then repeat.  This continues until someone is either knocked out or checkmated.  If that doesn’t happen, the winner is whomever gets the highest score in the boxing match.

I wouldn’t blame you at this point for thinking I made this all up, but here’s proof.  It got us to thinking; what other sports could we combine with games to turn into popular events.  Here’s what we came up with:

Football + The Monopoly Board Game

This game is owned by Redskins owner Daniel Snyder.  The goal of the game is to roll a dice on the most enticing headcase free agents, overpay them with no hesitation, and then let your fans foot the bill.  Players have often complained about the blue and orange dollars bills they received for per diem.

Hockey + Checkers

The obvious idea behind the boxing/chess combo is to take one of the most brutal, pure physical sports and combine it with the nerdiest, most intellectual games.  So I just took the next step down from each of them.  You could argue that football is more violent than hockey, but hockey has a lot of big hits too.  Plus, it sort of has mini-boxing built into it.

Checkers is what you play with your grandpa, while chess is what you play with your dad.  (Or your college professor, if you’re kind of a tool.)

Here’s how I see it working.  Each hockey team has a designated checkers player.  Whenever someone from the opposing team has to sit out for penalty, he has to beat the guy (or at least steal a certain number of pieces) before he can return to the rink.

I call it “Chockey.”

Golf + Rap Battles

This is basically doing the exact opposite.  Taking the most “intellectual” sport, one that was considered nerdy by the masses before Tiger Woods came along (and, let’s be honest, if Woods isn’t a nerdy athlete, I don’t know who is) and combining it with the raw, aggressive power of freestyle rapping.

I’m not sure of the best way to combine this, so let’s just make freestyle rapping the tiebreaker.  What better way to prove your staying power than having to make up rhymes and diss your opponent after a long day on the course.  And hey, Woods would still be the front-runner.  (Because he’s so good in the clutch, of course.  What did you think I was implying?)

Whenever one of these happens, it would be called a “Golf-Off.”

Cricket + Pictionary

I’m from the South, so the cricket I’m used to keeps you up all night by hiding behind the washing machine and chirping.  What I do know about the sport is that it can also lead to some sleepless nights because the games can go on forever.

No matter how exciting a sport is (and cricket doesn’t seem all that exciting), you can only take it as an audience member for so long without getting bored.  So why not reward that faithful audience that endures long, long games by allowing them to actually participate and score points for their team?

Here’s how it would work.  The batter, or whatever the heck he’s called, has two choices whenever he gets a hit.  He can either run back and forth between the wicket and that other thing to scores points/runs/schmekels, or he can draw on a big board for the audience.  In either case, he has to be wary to get back to his place before the ball does, or he’s out.

If fans of the team correctly guess what he’s drawing, it counts as a lot of points.  The catch is, he only has three hits for each word.  Think of the tension of the batter trying to add a detailed tail to his possum before the opposing team can field the ball.

But the best part is easily the name, which sells itself: “Cricktionary.”

MMA + Competitive Drinking

This sport may already exist, depending on the bars in your neighborhood.  Basically, two guys sit across the room from each other seeing how much of their favorite adult beverage they can pound in an hour, while their friends sit around them and tell them all the mean stuff the other guy said.  After that hour is up, the guys go at each other and roll around on the ground until someone can actually land a clean punch.

I just like the visual of a “scout” sitting at some Irish bar in Quinzee watching Tawmmy go to town on someone that he thinks said something about his sister.  Afterwords, the man in the suit goes over to the bloody drunk and gives him the “You’ve got something, kid” speech and hands him a business card, which Tawmmy immediately throws up on.

World Series of Poker + Spinning around with your head on a bat

Listen, I can’t stand poker.  I hate when my friends tell me about the “bad beats” they got in some random tournament, I hate when my uncle badgers me to play in a tournament with him in Laughlin (white trash Vegas!), and I hate when it shows up on my TV.  So you know what would put those “athletes” in their place?  Only the most embarrassing thing ever: spinning around with your head on a bat until you’re plenty dizzy.

That’s right, your favorite between innings fan participation game now has millions of dollars at stake!  After each hand, contestants stand 50 feet from the table.  Cards are dealt, they each spin around the bat 10 times and then race to the table.  Try bluffing when you can’t even sit in a chair for 5 seconds without tipping over!

 Basketball + Polo

So look, we know these guys can jump.  They can do amazing things with the basketball.  The sport has been elevated to a completely different level then when it began.  Folks, we’ve come a long way from goofy white guys in converse allstars. Now it’s time to raise the bar again.  Let’s see the reverse dunk when you are walking funny from being saddle sore.

Now I know we may have to breed some new style mega-horse to be able to carry some of these guys around but it will totally be worth it. Aside from the obvious hilarity of huge dudes trying to ride horse, it will totally attract a new fan base of waspy, rich white people to the NBA.  But the “B” will now stand for “Basketbolo.”

Bowling + Horseshoes

Here is where we make bowling a real sport.  We are gonna have someone throwing horseshoes on the same lane as a dude trying to bowl.  So now we need to do that curving throw to get it around that damn pole.  But the bowler also gets to try to F’ the horseshoe guy.  When you’re throwing a 14lb ball, it’ll kick the ass of a 3lb horseshoe.  Time your throws to knock the guy’s “clanker”right outta there.  COMBO-BREAKER!! style.

Call it what you want.  That’s fun to watch.