Pyle of List

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If you’ve watched TV, listened to the radio, read a blog, talked to another human being, or looked under a Snapple cap in the last couple of weeks, you know that Tim Tebow suffered a concussion a week and a half ago in the game against Kentucky and is still questionable to play against LSU this Saturday.

Luckily for Tebow’s noggin, the decision is not up to him or Coach Meyer.  It’s in the hands of the doctors.  Judging how someone is doing in their concussion recovery is difficult, but a recent method for athletes is a baseline test.  Everyone on the team takes it when healthy and then again after a concussion to see how close they are to functioning at their normal brain capacity.

But Tebow is Tebow, so he doesn’t take the standard test.  He has his own special test.  And Pyle of List has acquired a copy of it.

Question #1: Both Coach Nick Saban and Coach Urban Meyer want to meet with a recruit in Macon, Georgia.  If Coach Saban leaves Tuscaloosa at 3 PM on a train traveling 80 MPH and Coach Meyer leaves Gainesville at 5 PM on a jet traveling 1000 MPH, which coach will arrive first?

A) Coach Saban: The train will actually be able to travel much faster once Saban steals the souls of the other passengers, only to toss them out once he realizes his body is no longer capable of containing one.

B) Coach Saban: Coach Meyer hates Georgia and would never enter it without intention to harm its citizens.

C) Coach Meyer: He will mix Gatorade into the gas tank, which will obviously cause the plane to crash…right on top of Saban’s train.

D) Coach Kiffin: What the hell are YOU doing here?

Question #2:  Lane Kiffin’s mama is so fat…

A) that even Tim Tebow can’t knock her over.

B) because she has to eat all of her son’s words for him.

C) that even Phil Fulmer is disgusted.

D) Monte has to use an all-out blitz in the bedroom.

Question #3:  Football makes you happy, therefore there must be football in heaven.  However, in heaven people are without fault.  And it is literally impossible for both an offense and a defense to be without fault.  Discuss, citing as many philosophies and box scores as necessary.

Question #4: This picture is the result of…

A) a hastily eaten pre-game meal.

B) Tim Tebow coming across a drunken, homeless LSU fan in an alley the night before who wouldn’t stop talking about the 2007 game.

C) Tim Tebow repeatedly punching his shoulder after throwing an incompletion.

D) Tim Tebow’s blood vessels bursting due to too many bracelets cutting off his circulation.

Question #5: Florida runs the quarterback sneak…

A) whenever we damn well want to.

B) only in short-yardage situations, goal-line situations, and situations where we need to move the ball forward.

C) Sneak?!  Tim Tebow doesn’t sneak!  He tells you right where he’s coming, calling out the defenders by name before plowing right through them.

D) way too often.

Question #6: Would Jesus be more or less attractive if he had a buzzcut?  Explain your answer using samples of theology, art, and modern day grooming techniques.

Question #7: This picture proves that…

A) Tim Tebow has a great sense of humor.

B) People who still use fannypacks don’t understand how they work.

C) Tim Tebow’s mother still picks out his outfits.

D) Tim Tebow tans with his shoes on.

Question #8: Florida lost to Michigan in the 2008 Citrus Bowl because…

A) of poor third down efficiency.

B) Lloyd Carr’s players were playing with emotion and wanted to send their coach out with a win.

C) the Gators were too beat up from the gauntlet of SEC play.

D) ___________ (fill in the blank [Seriously, Tebow, tell me, how the hell did we lose to Lloyd Carr?])

Question #9: Review the following picture and pick the most accurate statement.

A) This picture is both pornographic and sacrilegious.

B) This makes me tingly in my heart and my jockstrap.

C) I’d like to get that verse under my eyes if you know what I mean.

D) This person has a modest DVD collection.

Question #10: Tim Tebow’s 48 career rushing touchdowns…

A) are more than any Division 1 team’s total rushing touchdowns last year.

B) are more than South Carolina’s total rushing touchdowns from 2006-2008.

C)  are more than all NFL quarterbacks’ 2008 rushing touchdowns combined.

D) all of the above.