Friday, October 2nd, 2009...2:06 pm
NFL Coaches and Their Wrestling Counterparts
Here, we are, knee deep in my favorite time of year: football season. And every year I almost forget how much football season coincides with videogame season.
The other weekend, I was over at my buddy’s house playing the new Wrestlemania Legends videogame on PS3. All my favorites were there; Jake the Snake, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, Andre, Mr. Perfect. It was wonderful.
So basically, I just wanted to find a way to combine these two things that I love, the NFL and wrestling. And this was the bastard child that was born: NFL Coaches and Their Wrestling Counterparts. Enjoy!


Wade Phillips - Ole Anderson
Ole Anderson was always good but never spectacular (always a tag champ, never a singles titleholder), just like Wade (no playoff wins). And with each of them, you knew someone else with two J’s in their name was really pulling the strings (JJ Dillion for Ole, Jerry Jones for Wade).


Eric Mangini - Glacier
Being compared to Glacier is never a good thing. That comparison always carries with it the notion that you were much hyped, and never delivered. That’s basically Mangini. He was highly touted as the next Belichick, and now is trying to hide who his starting QB is to “confuse” other teams.


Norv Turner - Terry Funk
Both are renown not for technical skill, but for theĀ “ability” to do stupid things. That, and the facial scarring.


Mike Singletary - Ron Simmons/Farooq
This one works on two leves: As Ron Simmons started making waves in WCW (first black champion there) all people would talk about is his athleticism due to his days playing football at Florida State. Now that Singletary is a head coach, his playing days in Chicago are never shied away from. THEN, as Farooq and a member of the Acholyte Protection Agency (APA) with Bradshaw, he had the same kind of hard nosed, no nonsense attitude that Singletary employs. No word on Simmons dropping his pants at any point in his career.


Rex Ryan - Triple H
He may be brash and boastful, but he’s usually backing it up with results. It also doesn’t hurt to be a coach with Buddy Ryan for a dad, same way it doesn’t hurt to be a pro wrestler and married to Vince McMahon’s daughter.


Bill Belichick - Ravishing Rick Rude
Always one of the most hated men in the building, with the affinity for pulling middle aged women out of the stand and gyrating for them.


Jim Mora - Dynamite Kid
Both had their time in the sun while teamed with dog-affiliated men (Mora with Vick, Kid with The British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith).


Ken Whisenhunt - 1-2-3 Kid/Syxx/X-Pac
Sean Waltman was the man who portrayed all those characters and always jumped at the perfect time. He jumped to WCW right when the NWO concept took off and they started winning the Monday Night Wars. Then, he jumped back to the WWF to join DX when the Attitude Era started taking off. Just like Whisenhunt went from Super Bowl Champion Steelers to the Cardinals right before they made the jump to Super Bowl status as well.


Mike Tomlin - Ahmed Johnson
Both came into their leagues and got pushed straight to the moon, winning championships very early on.


John Fox - Bobby The Brain Heenan
Based solely on looks.


Mike McCarthy - Paul E. Dangerously/Paul Heyman
Jilted by your former cash cow (McCarthy by Favre, Heyman by WCW) you forge your own path and end up putting an overall better product out there for your fans (Rodgers and ECW respectively) only to be bought out by your rivals (Vikings, WWF) in the end.


Lovie Smith - Shelton Benjamin
Note: this connection is solely based on the fact that I think Brian Urlacher looks like Brock Lesnar. Shelton and Brock were partners in WWE’s developmental territory, OVW, much like Lovie and Urlacher are partners in the NFL. Then, as Brock and Urlacher “matured”, their left their old partners in the lurch. Phew, I thought I might hurt myself on that stretch.


Jim Schwartz - Al Snow
Both of their gimmicks are that they lose a lot. Also, I imagine talking to anyone from Detroit is like talking to a prosthetic mannequin head.


Brad Childress - Harvey Wippleman
Another one based purely on look-alike-titude.


Dick Jauron - Mark Henry
I can never really figure out how these guys keep getting work. I haven’t really followed wrestling for the past 6 years, and I turned it on the other night and Mark Henry was still being trotted out there like he was a big deal. Unbelievable!


Marvin Lewis - Marty Jannety
Both Marty and Marvin did great things while filling lesser roles (Marvin as Def Co. of Baltimore, Marty as Shawn Michaels’ partner in The Rockers) but floundered once they were left out there on their own.


Tom Coughlin - Sgt. Slaughter
Everyone says Coughlin is such a drill sargeant of a coach, I had to give him the most famous drill sargeant of a wrestler. I wonder if he ever called Tiki Barber a “maggot”?


Andy Reid - Big Boss Man
Fat guys with mustaches. Plus, Reid is used to dealing with cops after all his kids’ run ins with the law.


Jim Zorn - The Shockmaster
Perhaps the only insult greater than being compared to Glacier is being compared to The Shockmaster. Ever since Zorn got here, we knew this was going to end in disaster. Just give the guy a Stormtrooper helmet covered in glitter and let’s get on with it.


Jack Del Rio - I.R.S. (Irwin R. Schyster)
A wrestling accountant made about as much sense as a coach wearing a suit.


Jon Harbaugh - Rey Mysterio Jr.
Because both could walk through the grocery store and no one would recognize them.


Mike Smith - Bob Backlund
Bob Backlund once lost the WWF title to Diesel (aka Kevin Nash) in seconds. That’s about how long I could discuss Mike Smith before falling asleep mid sentence.


Todd Haley - Sid Vicious/Sid Justice/Psycho Sid
Everyone hated Sid in the wrestling world because he wasn’t a hard worker. He knew his size would constantly bring him a paycheck. So much so that he would routinely skip out on wrestling matches to play in softball tournaments. He also once stabbed Arn Anderson with a pair of scissors. I would put none of those things past Haley.


Josh McDaniels - Lex Luger
Both these guys walk into their jobs with so much ego that we all hope for them to be brought down a peg or two. Then they do something nobody expected (have the Broncos start 3-0 and bodyslam Yokozuna respecitvely) and earn their giant paychecks. If this connection is accurate though, maybe the players should stay away from McDaniels’ personal stash of suplements…


Gary Kubiak - Brooklyn Brawler
Kubiak had great success as an underling (winning Super Bowls with both the 49ers and the Broncos as an assistant coach) but not so much while he head guy. Just like the Brawler. He was always the best of the guys you knew were gonna get beat, but at the end of the day, you knew who was going to be looking up at the lights. The Brawler. And now, the Texans.


Steve Spagnuolo - The Iron Sheik
I think it’s the mustache coupled with the ability to go on a tirade like this that makes this pairing perfect.


Jeff Fisher - Kevin Nash
Both have experience in resurrecting the careers of failed drunks (Fisher with Collins, Nash with Scott “Razor Ramon” Hall). And Fisher looks like he could be Nash’s cousin who got skimped on the good genes.


Tony Sparano - Jesse The Body Ventura
This one is based mostly on the mustache. And the fact that I wouldn’t be surprised if either of these guys knew some very well connected men. If you know what I mean…I mean mobsters.


Jim Caldwell - The Ultimate Warrior
When someone hands a dynasty to you (Dungy to Caldwell, Hogan to Warrior), just try not to the lose the belt, okay? Editor’s note: Warrior was notorious for losing the championship belt. So much so that they had to carry multiple extra ones on the road.


Tom Cable - Tank Abbott
Apparently a strong right hand is all it takes to get you either into WCW or the Raiders head coaching position. Let’s just hope Cable doesn’t end up like Abbott in his wrestling career…


Sean Payton - Rob Van Dam
Both started their careers in upstart leagues (Payton playing in the first season of the Arena League, Van Dam in ECW) and both are masters of high flying offenses.


Raheem Morris - Koko B. Ware
Morris should “B. Ware” of which coaching jobs he accepts, because the Bucs suck! Hiyoooooooooooo!
Got a better pairing? Let me hear about it in the comments.



4 Comments
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Coach’s all wore suits on gameday in a better time, ya whippersnapper.
Now turn down that music dagnabbit!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 9:07 am
nice list though i don’t like mike tomlin-ahmed johnson b/c johnson flamed out quickly. mike tomlin-the rock is better…what you wrote still applies and they both have that sense of coolness to them (gold rimmed ray ban aviators on the sidelines!)
October 6th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
How dare you bad mouth people from the fine upstanding city of Detroit….
October 6th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Former coach Bill Cowher = Sgt Slaughter
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