Pyle of List

As we head toward another football season, I can’t help but think we haven’t really been paying attention to the real heroes (or villains).

There is a man who takes all the responsibility for your team’s success and failure.  If he doesn’t get it done, the world could end for millions of fans.  It all rests on the shoulders of the Head Coach.

In the pretend world of movies (where I chose to live) there are men who plan and scheme, trying to change the word (usually with nuclear weapons and micro film) and other men who step up and stand in the gap between these evil geniuses and the regular people.  The weight of my world rest on the shoulders of our action heroes and villains.

Seems like it’s time to take these two worlds and compare… The generals of the gridiron as action movie staples.  Enjoy.

Wade Phillips as Timothy Dalton as James Bond

In the late 80’s EON productions took an unusual step in replacing the aging Roger Moore who could no longer play 007.  They hired Shakespearean actor Timothy Dalton.  In 87, Dalton turned in a completely lackluster performance in ”The Living Daylights”.  For some reason, still not understood by Bond fans, Dalton was retained for 1989’s “Licence to Kill”.  In the same way, Cowboys fans still don’t understand why Jerry Jones has retained Wade “Aw Shucks” Phillips for another year but everyone is sure he’ll do a pretty crappy job and continue to ding up what was once a spectacular franchise.

Jon Gruden as Lethal Weapon’s Martin Riggs

When Chucky left Oakland and headed over to replace Tony Dungy in Tampa, SI did a feature article during training camp.  Gruden doesn’t sleep.  In fact he would call and wake up Warren Sapp at 3am just to say, “I’ve been planning something special for our offense.  You better get your (defensive) guys ready.”  Much like Riggs, Gruden seems to function alright day to day, but just behind his eyes something is off.

Mike Singletary as Carl Weathers as Jericho “Action” Jackson

Mike Singletary coaches like he played the game… like a bone-breaking maniac.  He’s from the old school just like Action Jackson and ‘THEY DON’T TAKE NO CRAP.”   Singletary’s post-game rant about Vernon Davis is quality Hollywood material.  [Race Card Alert] Like most black men in power, they both came under fire for b.s. in their respective professions but ultimately proved they were worthy of praise.  It’s good to finally see Singletary secure with his own team.  Fun fact, both Singletary and Weathers have NFL connections in the Bay… Weathers played briefly for John Madden in Oakland.

Marvin Lewis as Ice Cube as Darius “xXx” Stone

I’m sorry, but someone keeps signing these paychecks? Listen, both these guys did something right once (Ravens D and Friday, respectively) but that shouldn’t entitle them to lifelong employment.

Andy Reid as Odd Job

Short, fat and deceptively effective. Also, both come up just short in achieving their goals… assuming Oddjob’s goal was to kill Bond and Andy Reid’s is to pass four bills on the scale. As much as it’s easy to ridicule these two (my dorm had a very firm anti-Oddjob policy for Goldeneye), it’s difficult to argue with the results.

Urban Meyer as The Professional’s Leon

They were both minding their own business, being good at what they did, staying out of the limelight. Leon did so out of necessity. He was an assassin after all. Meyer did it by virtue of being in Utah, where news takes much longer to travel despite the myriad of wives to spread gossip.

It wasn’t until a little girl’s family was murdered (see: Florida football under Ron Zook) that they became involved in something far more sinister than they ever could have imagined. (Is the SEC really that different from a corrupt police force?)

They both put up a good fight against the neverending onslaught of attackers, but in order to escape, they had to become one of them. And I’d say the chances are good that before his tenure in the SEC is over, Meyer will be shot by Nick Saban.

Bobby Bowden as Dirty Harry

Both made their debut in the 70’s, and both stayed around for so long that they devolved into self-parody. Neither of them are known for their explosive firepower, instead relying on their stubborn persistence in order to stick around. Each has survived several massive beatings. And like Harry, Bowden threw away his “badge” long ago. Neither cares much for abiding by the books, whether that means shooting a surrendering child murderer or scoring free shoes for his team.

Pete Carroll as Point Break’s Bodhi

To some they are a legend, but most just want to seem them taken down. They don’t understand what the big deal is. They’re just doing what they were born to do and enjoying the thrill of it. No one was supposed to get hurt. But then one day they did, and now members of their gang are no longer with them, gone off to a horrible fate (i.e. Washington). Now it’s time for a new adventure, one that will ultimately end with them riding a wave of victory into immortality.

Also, both really seem to enjoy making life hell for Ohio State quarterbacks.