Pyle of List

Jump to Comments

In the manliest of manly sports, which men prefer men?

This is science people. This is not a McCarthy-an attempt to flush out those different than “the norm”. This is an attempt to rank the starting NFL QBs in terms of how likely they are REALLY enjoy the huddle. Use this study (see? ’study’ = legit) for fantasy drafting, radio show call-ins, or just taunting opposing teams. Please note that we had to make some guesses as to which QBs currently embroiled in position battles would win out.

All QBs are evaluated on the Lampian Internet Penis Scale:

8D : Negative Gay
8=D : Straight
8==D : Bi-Curious
8===D : Gay
8====D~~ : Full Blown Gay

Arizona Cardinals - Kurt Warner

I’m skeptical of the Christians. Too many self-loathing closet cases. Besides, when your wife looks like this, questions will be raised.
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan

Ryan is young, so I’m sure those “experiments” in college are still fresh in his mind. Still, nicknaming yourself after Natural Ice beer is not something a gay man would do.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Baltimore Ravens - Joe Flacco

Do those eyebrows and skin look like they belong to someone who is meticulous about his grooming? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Buffalo Bills - Trent Edwards

Trent Edwards:Vanilla::Gay Man:Rainbow Sherbet.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Carolina Panthers - Jake Delhomme

Any man that exposes his ass on national television is gay. Plus, he threw like a girl against AZ in the playoffs last year.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Chicago Bears - Jay Cutler

Too many emotional displays signal that Jay is in touch with his feelings. That’s pretty gay.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Cincinnati Bengals - Carson Palmer

What? Is photo evidence not enough for you?
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Cleveland Browns - Brady Quinn

Wow, the state of Ohio loves them some Queerterbacks.
Rating: 8====D~~ : Full Blown Gay

Dallas Cowboys - Tony Romo

His impressive track record of girlfriends and terrible hair squash all questions raised by that pink shirt. Hm, but then again, that silver chain isn’t helping…
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

Denver Broncos - Kyle Orton

Wow. Really? A neck beard?
Rating: 8D : Negative Gay

Detroit Lions - Mathew Stafford

Um, yeah, unless all those chicks are pulling a Crying Game, he’s as straight as the bars on that ‘Merican flag.
Ranking: 8=D : Straight

Green Bay Packers - Aaron Rogers

There are only two reasons to grow a mustache like that: You’re a Freddy Mercury impersonator, or you do gay porn.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Houston Texans - Matt Schaub

Hey, breeder, your wife pick that suit out for you? [editor’s note: that’s a gay burn]
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning

Look at that body language and the precision he shows in cupping the balls. No one tell his sponsors!
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Jacksonville Jaguars - David Garrard

That man is a pimp. And pimps have to be straight so they know what the customer will like.
Rating: 8D : Negative Gay

Kansas City Chiefs - Matt Cassell

Ahhh, so THAT’S how you got such a big contract…
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

Miami Dolphins - Chad Pennington

This picture makes Chad look like he’s two-thirds of the way through an HIV meds cocktail.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Minnesota Vikings - Brett Favre

A real man’s man…but willing to give the occasional BJ or HJ to get some good press. Right, Mr. King?
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

New England Patriots - Tom Brady

I’m really torn here. On the one hand you’ve got Giselle and his ex-alsoasupermodel-girlfriend. On the other, the above picture.
Rating: N/A

New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees

The sandals are a dead give-away. Gay hipsters wouldn’t even wear those ironically.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

New York Giants - Eli Manning

What is that, a wine cooler? What’s wrong, were they out of Zima?
Rating: 8===D : Gay

New York Jets - Mark Sanchez

Someone call Brady Quinn and tell him that Derek Anderson isn’t the only QB he needs to watch his back around.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Oakland Raiders - JaMarcus Russell

I’m really proud of you, JaMarcus. It’s always harder for a black to come out of the closet, but you do it in a BEAUTIFUL jacket.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

Philadelphia Eagles - Donovan McNabb

Donovan McNabb just called JaMarcus Russell a fag.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Roethlisburger

Again, with the neck beards!
Rating: 8D : Negative Gay

San Diego Chargers - Phillip Rivers

Anyone who is so adamant about not having sex with girls until you spend $10,000 on a party can’t be straight.
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

San Francisco 49ers - Shaun Hill

Shaun Hill is the starter because he passed Mike Singletary’s test: when Singletary dropped his pants during halftime of a game last season, Hill’s member didn’t even budge.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Seattle Seahawks - Matt Hasselbeck

Matt is seen here doing magic. No magician in the history of the world has ever been straight.
Rating: 8===D : Gay

St. Louis Rams - Marc Bulger

According to middle America, there are no gay people there. And you can’t get any more middle America than Marc Bulger.
Rating: 8=D : Straight

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Byron Leftwich

Wow, Jay Z has really let himself go.
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious

Tennessee Titans - Kerry Collins

Kerry Collins will burn your house to the ground for wearing colors other than white, black, dark blue, or denim.
Rating: 8D : Negative Gay

Washington Redskins - Jason Campbell

More like GAYson Campbell, right? Right? Guys?!
Rating: 8==D : Bi-Curious