Pyle of List

Most excellent greetings, dudes and dudettes! It is I, your All-Star to the stars, Josh Hamilton.

takes massive bong rip

Ohhhhhh sh*t! We’re rolling now fellas. So, I’ve been just about everywhere in the world worth visiting and have seen (and done) some pretty messed up stuff. Like that time I injected some tiger semen into my eyes in Thailand.

But enough about the good times of the past, and let’s talk about the good times of the present! Or, wait, is it the future? Dude, I’m a freakin’ psychic! THIS STUFF IS KILLER!

1B - Mark Teixeira -  Dude, this guy has it all. Like, he can hit from both sides of the plate! That’s pretty radical. He should call my friend Hop Scotch out in NYC. Hop Scotch always has the best hook ups. Drug he’s most like: weed. Consistent, not a lot of downside.

2B - Dustin Pedroia - Oh man, I tried to party with this guy one time but he’s too intense for me. We did some angel dust and the next thing I know he’s talking about hunting down “dahkies”. I had to bail. Drug he’s most like: meth. Cheap, strong, and white people love him.

SS - Derek Jeter -  This dude is quiet, but he’s great to have in your crew because the ladies love him. Like a whole bunch of us M-L-Ballers will walk into a club right, and by the time I hit the bathroom and powder my nose, Derek already has a lady lined up for each of us. Score! Drug he’s most like: Ecstacy. He’ll get anybody laid.

3B - Evan Longoria - This guy is kinda weird. Like, he’s super into black chicks. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s an obsession. I guess it’s because he’s from Long Beach or whatever. Drug he’s most like: crack. Really wants to “infiltrate” the black community.

C - Joe Mauer - Aw, this dude is BOR-ing. Like, he invited to go out on the Lake Minotanka one time, right? So I pack up all this acid because dropping on the water is super fun. But then he just starts fishing and talking about baseball. Fuck the heck?! Drug he’s most like: O’Douls.

OF - Jason Bay - I met Jason one time at some league event and expected him to be a total ‘Mauer’. But then he took me back into the kitchen and we started doing the most whippets you’ve ever seen done in your life. When I told him I was surprised he was so cool, he said “hey, I used to play for the Pirates. You think I don’t know how to get high?!”. Touche, Bay. Whoa, that rhymes…Drug he’s most like: Special K. Most people don’t know about it, but those that do really appreciate.

OF - Ichiro - One of the worst trips I’ve ever had was at last year’s All-Star game. I had gotten my hands on some peyote, and took it just before Ichiro went on his pregame tirade he does every year. Then he started changing into this metal dragon and was breathing out these babies that had bat wings and flaming bows and arrows. That sucked. Drug he’s most like: Opium. Because I’m racist. 

Party on, Dudes!