Pyle of List

With more and more names coming out as steroid users in Major League Baseball, our childhood heroes keep taking shots to the image. Each day that poster of Ken Griffey Jr. that we bought at the swap meet when we were 13 gets more and more suspicious. So it’s time we woke up and faced facts:

It’s only a matter of time before our baseball movie heroes face the same fate.

Clearly PEDs are intertwined with the DNA of MLB. And we all know Hollywood is a stickler for ‘keeping it real’, so it’s no stretch to think that all those characters who won games in dramatic fashion in our movie theaters and then later on our TVs were doping it up.

But we here at Pyle of List like to try to stay ahead of these scarlet letter-ings, so we’ve come up with our list of Movie Ballplayers Most Likely on the Juice.

Enjoy!

There is no soul in those eyes

Kelly Leak (Jakie Earl Hayley) - Bad News Bears

The first name hurts the most of all. Our very own Hall of Famer, a dirty rotten cheat. Although, in hindsight, we really should have seen this one coming. I mean, smoking cigarettes at the field, riding a dirt bike underage, betting girls for dates at air hockey. Clearly this was a player with no regard for anyone’s rules but his own.

This was actually during a game.

Babe Ruth (John Goodman) -The Babe

Remember when Barry Bonds’ power numbers were astronomically high, and everyone was saying “no one has done this since Ruth”? Well, shocker of all shockers, turns out this womanizing asshole of a drunk didn’t mind shooting anything and everything down his gullet. John Goodman’s PEDs? Cheese fries.

Yeah, YOU tell ME which one is the most masculine…

Dottie Henson (Geena Davis) - A League of their Own

Dominant hitter for short period of time (one season). A foot taller than all others in the league. Manager asking if she needs a cup (remember, he was in that locker room, he saw what all that testosterone was doing to her). No brainer.

“Hey, Hobbs, you owe me 1 set of lights!”

Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford) - The Natural

We’ve seen this story before: an aging player suddenly turning in the best performance of his career well past his prime. Sure, being a gunshot victim had a great deal to do with his inactivity but the numbers are a little fishy. It’s highly unlikely that an old, undersized slugger could hit with that kind of power consistently after a lengthy lay-off, even with “Wonderboy” and his God-given ability to mash. Perhaps he was the Grandfather of the Steroid era.

The glasses make it easier to pick out which hooker has the smallest hands

Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) - Major League

Lord knows Ricky Vaughn would do anything to gain an advantage, so steroids certainly wouldn’t be out of the question, particularly in the era in which he played. In many ways, he’s kinda like the lost Giambi brother… and we know what they did to break in to baseball. While most of his initial issues had to do with his vision, I’m sure a few PEDs wouldn’t hurt his vision, velocity or recovery time. Think Eric Gagne without the goatee.

Pictured: 539

Henry Rowengartner (Thomas Ian Nichols) - Rookie of the Year

You know what, call me paranoid but I’m no longer buying his doctor’s “tendons healed too tight” story any more.  A twelve year old who sucks at little league one day, visits the doc and before you know it is closing for the Cubs… yeah, it must be the tendons…

“It’s the drugs again, isn’t son?”
“Yep.”

Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh (Tim Robbins) - Bull Durham

I actually don’t blame Nuke for his PED use.  Especially when you look at the perfect storm of “advice” about how to succeed in baseball. On one side, the bedroom, you’ve got the sexpot Annie Savoy who hooks up with one player every season and they have the best season ever.  Tell me she wouldn’t be looking for her players to carry a higher testosterone level.  On the other side, the diamond, Nuke gets advice from Crash Davis.  Crash was aging but still able to play at the highest level in the minors…in fact Crash went on to set the minor league career home run mark…a record he purposely kept quiet.  Sounds like a guilty man to me.  Nuke never had a chance.

You ever hit a home run…ON WEED?!?!

Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert) - Major League

This is a no brainer.  The list so far (save “Wild Thing”) has showcased people on the fringe of the PED scandal.  Don’t get distracted by all the voodoo and hood magic.  Dude was juiced… with weed!  There’s never been a power hitter as calm, cordial,  or enlightened as Pedro.  Think marijuana isn’t a PED?  You honestly think Manny Ramirez is naturally this relaxed and goofy under pressure?

Got some other guilty parties that we forgot? Leave them in the comments.