Pyle of List

With all the buzz about the Denver Nuggets renting out the Pepsi Center when they’re supposed to have a game (oops!), nobody has talked about the obvious solution:

Player vs. Player wrestling matches!

I mean, the NBA has a littany of fueds going on right now, so why not kill two birds (not named Larry or Chris Anderson) with one steel chair? Here is how I see the card for breaking down for the first ever NBA Monday Night Raw!

Dark Match

  vs.

Dwight Howard vs. Stan Van Gundy

A perfect way to start the night off. Dark matches aren’t televised, so this joke match is just to get the crowd fired up while they decide which John Cena t-shirt to buy. This will conjur up memories of The Ultimate Warrior finally getting his hands on Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in the ring. And much like that, there will be few moves actually performed until a “Ravishing” Rick Rude (Hedo Turkoglu) run-in calls for the bell.

Winner: Dwight Howard by DQ.

Cruiserweight Title

vs. 

Rafer Alston vs. Sasha Vujacic

Earlier in the season, when Alston was still in the West as a Rocket, these two got into it on the court. Alston took offense to something Sasha did or said (perhaps it was the hair band) and went all Skip To My Lou on ‘The Machine’. Sasha fouled him and they went nose to nose. Now these light weights get to fight it out in front of 50,000 drunks.

Winner: Alston by pinfall

Intercontinental Title Match

  vs.

Pau Gasol vs. Nene

It doesn’t get more intercontinental than this, folks! One is a very white man from Spain. The other is brother from Brazil. It’s the smoothe style of the Spaniard vs. the brawny brute strength of the Brazilian. Winner gets a shot at Shawn Michaels at Summer Slam! [editor’s note: take a look at these links and tell me Gasol isn’t a dead ringer for Giant Gonzalez!]

Winner: Gasol by submission

Gimmick Match - Mixed Tag Team

  vs.

Kenyon Martin/His Mom vs. Mark Cuban/His Computer

This match-up has the most bad blood in as these two have been cutting promos (you know, that part in wrestling where they don’t wrestle and yell at each other into microphones? That.) on each other for weeks. Cuban’s attack on K-Mart’s mom left the professional with no choice but to challenge the owner, and everyone knows Cuban doesn’t go anywhere without his trusty sidekick!

Winner: The Flying Martins by TKO

Heavyweight Title Match

  vs.

Kobe vs. Lebron

Finally, an end to all the arguments about who will be the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be! These two heavyweights face off in the ultimate dream match-up. Special guest referee: Michael Jordan.

Winner: ND (no decision) - Lebron has Kobe down and is setting him up for his finisher, The Boston Crab (Dribble) when all of a sudden the lights go out and…

*gong*

Leave some of your dream matches in the comments!