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So you think you got your fill of baseball predictions before the season…HA.

You might know who Steve Phillips is picking for the NL East this year but you and I both know you don’t really care.  At Pyle of List we’re not going to bore you with the same old predictions.  We’re here to give you the predictions that make the 162 game season worth watching.

If they would have given Chuck Norris a contract instead of A-rod they could have kept him on the roster.

The Texas Rangers win the AL West

The Rangers always play decent ball early only to completely lose control after the all-star break largely thanks to pitching.  A few years ago the Rangers ticket office even began to answer phones with a cheerful, “First Place Texas Rangers”… in early May.  But we’ve all heard the one about the blind squirrel… and this could be that kind of year for the Rangers with the rest of the AL West down.  The down side is that Tom Hicks will think he can run a ball team and be successful… the last time that happened A-rod cashed in.

Can you say relapse, Josh?

Josh Hamilton Starts using again

I know he’s all goody-goody now, but Hamilton used to be freakin’ awesome. He would party all night and do any drug on the table before getting some kick ass flame tattoos on his forearms. Now he just talks about Jesus and blah blah blah. But a user is a user, just like a loser is a loser, and Hamilton is just as much a user as the Rangers are losers. After another season of his 3-for-4, 7 RBI nights being all for naught because of the pitching woes, Hamilton will break down and go back to chasing the dragon.

Joe Morgan autographed baseball… $37.50… $33… $22.75….

Joe Morgan makes a salient point

As the saying goes, even a broken clock is right two times a day. I did the research and that turns out to be true. Since Joe Morgan hasn’t made a good point for approximately two full seasons, he’s due. How do I know that? Just a gut feeling, which Joe has taught me is far more important than actual quantitative evidence.

Moneyball means saving cash in Oakland, but it could mean something else in the Castle of the Empire.

Billy Beane gets a job with the Yanks

It’s cute to be frugal and write about it; but at some point, you have to get tired of sucking.  In the ultimate “dark side” move, I predict Beane will abandon the philosophy that has made him famous and align with the Evil Empire.  The funny thing is that Beane brought Giambi back just to run away from him.

“Hey, I know what I’m talking about….what am I doin’ on this network?”

Baseball will get its own Gus Johnson

It’s about damn time there was a good nationally broadcast baseball announcer, don’t you think?  Joe Buck, Joe Morgan,  Tim McCarver… They all give me a headache and make baseball fans dumber for having listened to them.  There’s a lot of local announcers that are great at their jobs: Vin Scully, Jon Miller, the late great Henry Kalas… I could go on and on about great local guys.  How come ESPN and Fox haven’t found a young, quality local announcer to be their marquee guy of the future like CBS has done with Gus Johnson? CBS axed Billy Packer for this year’s tournament, ending a long tradition of contrite and pious announcing during March Madness.  It was a great move.  It’s just too bad there weren’t more exciting games in the tourney this year.  I’m rambling… My point is, this is the year that Buck gets laryngitis and McCarver’s dementia makes him unservicable.  Fox will find a young, energetic play-by-play guy that will actually add something to the broadcast rather than drain it of life.  I sure hope so anyway.

Yeah, it’s nice but it’s still watching the Mets.

NY fans will complain about their new stadiums

Citi Field is too big!  The new Yankee Stadium has no soul!  New Yorkers live to complain about stuff.  It’s part of their heritage.  It’s one thing they have in common with people from Boston.  These shiny new alters to baseball will not jive with the gritty, hard-knock persona that NYers like to think they have.  When the Yankees and Mets each get swept  by the Angels and Marlins respectively in early May, those crazy sports radio shows will start talking about the curse of the new fields.  Just you wait.

“You can’t honestly think I know anything about anything…. do you?”

More All-Star Shannanagins

The MLB All-Star game is a complete mess and a half.  In no other sport is their mid-season exhibition a determinant for which league or conference gets a post season advantage.  With the addition of instant replay, this can lead to fun-filled disaster in July.  I predict that a “key” play in the ‘09 All-Star game will be reviewed by instant replay for at least an hour by three overweight umps.  Look Selig, it shouldn’t be that serious!

“I’m not here to talk about the past….I just need the paycheck.”

A player on a first half tear comes under suspicion for steroids

Now that we’ve reached a tipping point in the “Steroid Era” of baseball, the sport has turned into a real-life version of Clue where every single anomaly is reviewed with a fine-tooth comb. If I were a baseball player, especially those that are young or old, I’d be very concerned about improving my game at all. Let’s just say there will be no repeats of the Brady Anderson magical 50 HR year anytime soon. Candidates: Matt Kemp, Chipper Jones, Derek Jeter, Travis Snider.

It ain’t sulking if you try to look mean.

Gary Sheffield finds Jesus

With a mouth always as fast as his swing, Gary Sheffield has been a magnet for controversy his entire career. How else do you explain a 500 HR player getting bounced from team to team? But this year, after a batting practice line drive off the bat of one Carlos Beltran whizzes by Shef’s ear, he will see the light. Now a preacher of peace and patience, Sheffield becomes the ultimate clubhouse guy and leads the Mets to the promised land…no, not the playoffs, I mean heaven. Guess they shouldn’t have drank the Gatorade.

Sure you would, but she’s a Red Sox fan…. so, you’d want some ear plugs… 

Red Sox fans get even more annoying

If it’s possible, it will happen.  With the Yankees reeling, the Red Sox have become the powerhouse and their fans know it.  Watch the Massholes really start giving the rest of us headaches when the Sox run away and hide with the division lead.  The up side… an unsatisfying postseason ouster at the hands of the Rangers.  (I can dream.)