Pyle of List

Albert Haynesworth just signed the first 9 figure contract for a defensive player. That’s a billion dimes. Or two billion nickels. Or ten billion pennies. Or…well, you get the point, it’s a lot of money. Enough money that you could do just about anything you want with it. So what would each of us do? Read on to find out!

DLamp - First things first, I’d buy my way into the upper echelon of Hollywood. Given my talent (or lack thereof) that would take the majority of my money. The rest would all go towards building my dream house…which really hasn’t changed since I was 9 years old, so I’ll let 9 year old DLamp tell you about it: “The inside would all be tile, like everywhere, because that’s how people know you’re rich. My room would have a waterbed with silk sheets. I’m not sure why, but that makes me feel really good. [note: current day DLamp knows why…] Oh! I’d also have an arcade that has all my favorite games that I can play whenever I want for free. And one entire wall will be a TV with a Nintendo [PS3] and every game. Out back would be a batting cage, basketball court, pitcher’s mound, skateboard park, and trampoline. No tennis courts, because tennis is for homos. [apparently some things never change] I would also have a heated swimming pool with a slide and diving board. And not one of those stiff diving boards that don’t bounce, a springy one like at the pool at the park.” That’s an essay that I wrote in 2nd grade. Add in a fully stocked bar and it’s still pretty much the awesomest idea ever.

Philguard - I believe you use money to make money, so I’d take the cash and sink it into real estate.  I could double my money in no time.  And you’ve got to diversify so I’d probably throw some money into the stock market.  Barring some hugemongous financial disaster, I’ll be rich for years to come.  See, investments…the smart thing to do with your money.

R. Queso - This is easy.  First, I’d go to my favorite strip club and make it hail.  Yes, make it hail… $10,000 in nickels falling from the sky… putting out the eyes of your favorite dancer.  Next, I’d take $200 and buy some shares of Sirius XM stock.. which would give me a 50% ownership stake in the company - ballin’.  Oh, I’d be a McDonald’s Dollar Menu Millionaire every day.  For those that don’t know what a Dollar Menu Millionaire is, it’s a person that buys every single item on the Mickey D’s Dollar Menu at one time (shout out to the genius, Mr. Chi-City).  I’d start an online poker site and make crazy bank off degenerates.  I’d buy a month’s supply of whatever Jerry Jones is smoking for signing Keith Brooking.  Does he really think Keith’s high character can make up for his current lack of athleticism?  I’m good on real estate, but I could see myself acquiring DLamp’s house at a tax auction.. damn shame.

Lunchbox - $100,000,000 is a lot of scratch.  But about 35% of that is going to be spent bailing out the nation’s CEO’s.  Mmmm…cool.  So really, I would only get to spend about $65,000,000.  Still a bunch of money.  Buuuuut, I’ve also gotta pay my agent, so that’s another $10,000,000 off the top.  Now I’ve only got $55,000,000 to work with.  Man, it’s going so fast and I haven’t even bought anything gold-plated yet.  Anyway, I’d buy two houses: one on the beach and one near a ski resort.  Then I’d probably save as much of it as possible for property tax payments because I will not be losing my house in a tax auction like DLamp.  Ha!

What would you do (besides two chicks at the same time) with that kind of moolah? Let us know in the comments!