Pyle of List

Listen, we hate to poke fun at someone else’s misfortune (at least that’s what we claim) but let’s be honest: he didn’t die, and some people need a wake up call. Plaxico Burress is going to live and play football again, but might be a little smarter about it next time. Lord knows there are other athletes that can be shown the need for a better attitude. And what better way than for someone to be reminded how to be a decent person than a little gunshot to the leg? Enjoy!

Stay Down Kid

Mike Dunleavy - I used to think my beloved Clippers were terrible because Elgin Baylor sold his soul to the devil to be a great player, leaving him in a Twilight Zone-esque twist of fate as a horrible executive. Turns out I was wrong, as the team seems to be even worse since Dunleavy forced Baylor out earlier this year, after botching the Elton Brand deal. Not only is he a terrible GM, he also doubles as a pitiful coach. One of the only guys with that dual role in the NBA, yet he really doesn’t deserve either. If he happened to accidentally shoot himself I think it would be an appropriate fate… although he’d probably miss and hit Baron Davis.

All those muscles, so few yards per carry

Edgerrin James - “That’s what you get, EDGE….That will teach you to screw with my fantasy numbers every frickin’ year. What? You want another…HUH? I will kill you…I will. Give me a reason, you no touchdown scoring waste of a roster spot. You make me sick.”

I wish…

Dustin Pedroia - Clearly I am not a fan. But I think more to the point is that Pedroia embodies everything that I hate about Boston sports fans; the recent assent ion, the indignant sense of entitlement, the racism. He’s only gotten to experience the good side of these terrible, terrible people and I want him to see how quickly they will turn on your when you’re not winning rings. Note: I totally would have picked Wes Welkah for all the same reasons, but he’s on my fantasy team and I don’t want to jinx it.

“This was a poor choice.”

Joe-Joe Addai - Who else took this guy with a first round pick in their fantasy football draft?  Most of you who are screaming right now probably also had to join one of the many “I drafted Joe Addai in the first round” support groups.  I was giddy when I heard that he’ll probably miss the game this weekend with some hamstring problem.  That meant I could bench him and enjoy a nice start from Dom Rhodes.  I should have known better than to trust an LSU Tiger.  Oh yeah, don’t forget all the poor Colts fans (okay, sad Colts fans) who had visions of Addai picking up the slack with Peyton coming back from knee surgery.  Hey Joe, why don’t you drop a knife on your foot in the kitchen tonight?  I think it would be the best scenario for everyone involved.

Just out of frame is Peter King’s nut sack

Brett Favre - Can you imagine how the media would try to spin this? I can’t even fathom. (”Favre shoots self in hilarious prank attempt”? “Brett shoots self in leg, mutters ‘Aw shucks’”? “Bullet passes through leg, only grazes stubble”?) But it certainly would move in the direction of people in MSM realizing that #4 isn’t the messiah they paint him to be. I mean, if anyone needs to be brought down a peg, it’s this guy.

“Where the white women at?”

Kobe - The problem is, even if Kobe did accidentally discharge a firearm into one of his extremities, he’d probably only miss a week or two of action.  Nothing ever seems to phase him for long.  Sexual assault allegations and locker room drama bounce off this guy like bullets off of Superman.  I don’t think actual bullets would do much more damage.

Stay classy, Howard!

Josh Howard - As a Mavs fan living in San Antonio, I already have precious little to be proud of. You know, kinda like Barroid Bonds in the shower after the game…I’m often met with feelings of inadequacy. This guy has just made it worse over the past year. Smoking weed and racist speech about our country are nothing new for NBA players, but does it have to be so damn public? Hey, Josh, stay out of sight for a while. Thank you.

Someone tell this guy he’s a football coach, not an emperor

Bob Stoops - If he doesn’t have a heart attack while running [up the score] , a self-inflicted gunshot wound will suffice. “Big Game” Bob’s Sooners are a classic bully team and have been for some time. They run up the score against inferior competition and fold when a team hits back. At least Mack Brown is honest in his BCS brown-nosing. I would thoroughly enjoy watching him limp up and down the sidelines with his ridiculous visor while his team gets overwhelmed again.

“Just trying to follow in Brady Quinn’s footsteps!”

Jimmy Clausen - Do you really need an explanation? Just look at that picture.

Manny being Manny.

Manny Ramirez - I know even some of our own writers here at PoL might disagree, but this guy deserves a non-fatal injury more than any other man in sports. All the crap this guys has gotten away with and all the media has ever done is write it off as… say it with me… Manny being Manny. Well, Manny, at some point it all catches up with you…and trying to put the league over a barrel and get a ridiculous amount of cash from someone… again… something has to be done.

“Thank you, maam, this is very nice of you. *sips milk*”

Tim Duncan - If only so it will be the first time in history that Duncan was involved in something moderately exciting.

“Shut up, Luke Walton!”

Derek Fisher - This little asshole gets a free pass with the media since his little daughter has a horribly sad and rare disease. Well, Pyle of List issues no free passes.  He plays dirty.  In my book that is enough cause to warrant my ire.  Announcers call him a savvy veteran.  Translation: he’s been around long enough to get away with dirty tactics.  If you ask me, there was probably some sort of ceremony where everyone work Forum blue and gold cloaks and Rick Fox, after his retirement,  bequeathed his dirty play handbook to Derek Fisher.

Got anyone you want to see have a non-lethal accident? Please leave them in the comments section.