Pyle of List

If you’re like me, you’ve often imagined yourself to be a Major League Baseball superstar. You spend 7 months (if you make the playoffs, 5 if you’re the Mets, and 1/2 if you’re the Royals or Nationals) grinding through the season. You see yourself hitting game winning home runs and the home crowd chanting your name. You can taste the grape Big League Chew in a way that only a true big leaguer can appreciate. But then, every season must end. Now what? Some guys choose to play winter ball in other countries in order to keep their skills sharp. I call those guys suckers! You’ve got five months off to do whatever you want with the millions you just earned playing a child’s game, go crazy! So, we here at Pyle of List sat down and came up with our top 12 activities for MLB players in the offseason. Enjoy!

Making nerds think they’re cool since 2007

12. Guitar Hero: World Tour - You know why A-Rod got to be in that kick ass commercial with Phelps, Kobe, and Tony Hawk? It’s not because he’s the best at his sport (although he is); it’s because he’s really freakin’ good at Guitar Hero, and someone needed to pick up for Phelps rhythm-challenged ass. So if you want to be a perennial MVP candidate, you’d better make sure you can beat “One” on expert. And being better at baseball wouldn’t hurt either…

“What do you say you, me, and Cindy McCain go back to the lodge and see what happens…”

11. Take a “snow machine” vacation - I’ve heard that the Palin family has some clothing bills to pay. In order to make some extra, legit cash Todd Palin is offering “snow machine” trips in the Alaskan wilderness. What better way is there for MLB players to commiserate their soon-to-be higher tax liability than some some Grade-A American Snow Machining? As an added bonus, the Palins are willing to throw in a wolf-hunting helicopter ride for only $1000 more.

“Little girl, you’re up. Make sure you get TO the ball!”

10. Play QB for the Dallas Cowboys - I got three names for you. Quincy Carter, Chad Hutchinson and Drew Henson. All three played, in fact started games for, the Dallas Cowboys when they needed a new QB. All three had already played professional sports in the MLB. Go check it out. You back? So now the Cowboys are in desperate need of some QB play, no experience necessary. Come one, come all and Jerry loves to shell out the cash for washed out MLB prospects because they were a great QB on their high school team.

A deleted scene from Toy Story

9. Be a drug mule - With the large influx of Latin players over the last decade, it just makes sense. Many pros will be making trips back and forth between the states and their countries of origin, so why not make a little extra dinero by sticking a balloon full of Columbian heroin up your poop shoot? You make a little a money, some guy gets his jollies, and all for a little discomfort in your bum. [Editor’s note: that scenario is more commonly known as “The Brady Quinn Tuesday Night Special”.]

Not funny…and I mean these motivational poster things. Spouse abuse is HILARIOUS!

8. Beat your wife - Before you get outraged, I’m not saying that spousal abuse is okay. Because it isn’t. It’s wrong for a man to take out his anger (and probable feelings of inadequacy in the penis department) on his wife. That is just plain wrong. But what I am saying is that it will win you a World Series. Just ask Brett Myers.

Will Ferrell has really let himself go

7. National Kickball Tournament - Tell me you don’t want to see this. I’ve always found that guy on the co-ed softball field who brings his metal spikes because he played baseball in college. This would be putting 18 of those guys on the same diamond and dropping the competition from softball to kickball. Spike up slides, stealing bases, suicide squeezes, all with a dodge ball in play…make this happen.

How much can I bench? Three rods.

6. Work out & improve your skills - I know this seems like blasphemy. But listen for just a minute. You always hear about NBA players working on deficient aspects of their game during the offseason. NFL players have some of the most intense offseason regimens of any athletes. What do MLB players do? Who knows, but it hardly ever includes staying fit and retooling their skill sets. That’s why half the league isn’t into playing shape until late May. Imagine a league where the players are in peak condition on day one. Would that be such an awful thing?

“Trade you for a Bo Jackson rookie?”

5. Avoid pool parties at Canseco’s place - Getting caught doping can be pretty embarrassing. Just ask Raphy Palmero. But being caught doping because you were over at Canseco’s house drinking Mai Tais and seeing who can do the best jackknife dive is even worse. So maybe you should RSVP in the negative when that invite comes. Just a thought. In fact, at this point, shouldn’t all ball players be avoiding Canseco in all ways, shapes, and forms?

Do. Not. Drink.

4. Stockpile clean urine - For some reason, steroids in baseball is a really big deal. NFL doesn’t really care, as testing positive will lead to a small slap on the risk. Hell, I don’t think the NBA even tests for them, and no one cares enough about the NHL for it to matter. But get caught juicing in MLB and you can kiss your ass goodbye. The list of players who might not make it into the HoF because their name has been tainted by the word ’steroids’ is growing by the day. So try to keep yourself off that list. It’s pretty simple too. I can think of a thousand good places to get clean urine from: hospitals, those places that nuns live (nuneries?), kindergartens…on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t be hanging out outside elementary schools with a cup asking 5 year olds to pee for you…

I’m going to hell…

3. Live frugally - Since MLB players only receive paychecks during the season and the economy is in the crapper, some of the more free-spending guys may find their bank accounts a little bit light this holiday season. That’s okay. Martha Stewart has tons of ways to live frugally. It’s a good thing. They can eat more meals at the clubhouse. They can recycle bottles used for chew spit. They can go on the sports memorabilia circuit and shill their autographs. The possibilities are endless…

Actually not that amazing

2. Amazing Race:MLB Edition - First team to find and kill Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins thereby stopping the filming of Bull Durham 2: wins.

“Great Scott, she’s ugly!”

1. Invent time machine, go back and bang Madonna when she was hot/before A-Rod gets to her - Listen, A-Rod is going to break every record that matters in baseball barring some horrible injury. You’re never going to beat him on the field. BUT if you spend your offseason banging your head on the toilet until you invent the Flux Capacitor, thereby allowing you to go back in time and bang a young, hot, and slutty Madonna, then you’ll always have that over him. Because banging Madonna in 2008 is just like driving a Delorean: it may seem like a funny idea when you’re high with your friends, but actually doing it is not a good idea.

Is there an obvious choice that we forgot? Please leave it (and your ridicule) in the comments section.