Pyle of List

The NFL trade deadline is tomorrow, says Chris Mortenson.

As we here at PoL look over the expansive lay (tee hee) of the NFL we can’t help but think that we can make a few tweaks here and there to really make things interesting. Please refrain from comments about how salary cap constraints and such would keep these trades from happening. We are just fine operating outside the realm of reality and would appreciate you not pointing it out so often…you hear me Dad, I’M HAPPY WITH THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE….

Sorry, my therapist keeps telling me that my private problems are not for public ears. Sorry, again.

Without any further ado…12 trades to make the NFL more interesting.

Martin Gramatica to the Rams
If a kicker is going to miss critical field goals like Gramatica has he shouldn’t be on a team that needs his contribution. But everybody loves the kicker that gets so excited he pulls something after a meaningless field goal. In retrospect, it’s probably good that Martin hasn’t hit these critical kick over the last few weeks for his own health. As far as a good fit as a team, the Rams seem best. They don’t have much of a need for someone to kick those PAT because of that AT part. And it’s not like they’re going to be close enough to an opponent for 3 or 6 points to have made a difference.

Possible Return for the Saints: Seeing the the Saints have stuck Gramatica on IR they might have to really work to make this happen but I think a 24 pack of Natty Lite should about cover it.

“Let me out dis bitch!”
Roy Williams to the Titans
Roy Williams wants out of Detroit. And why shouldn’t he? The Lions already brought home a younger, hotter version of him in Calvin Johnson. “Oh don’t worry, Roy, we still care about you. Calvin is just gonna help clean up a bit. You’re still the man!” Then Roy comes in to find Rod Marinelli drilling Calvin Johnson on the couch in the film room when he said he was watching film. Wait, I think I got lost in the metaphor…either way, Williams wants out and the Titans need a top tier WR. Justin Gage ain’t gonna get it done, people!

Possible return for the Lions: Unfortunately for the Titans, Millen is gone, so they won’t be trading with an idiot. The Titans can probably get Williams in exchange for purchasing stock in Ford Motor Company. The times, they are a tough.

“LaDainian Who?”
Michael Turner to the Jets
Who knew Michael Turner would be having a better season so far than LaDainian Tomlinson? Not this guy. Turner has gained 192 more rushing yards than Tomlinson on fewer carries through six weeks of play. Tomlinson is earning one yard less per carry than his former understudy right now too. Now, over the course of a 16 game season these numbers may normalize a bit. But it is quite obvious that Turner is a more than capable starting running back in the League. Yes, I know Thomas Jones scored three TDs in a game against the Bengals yesterday. Please note that Jones only averaged 3.8 yards per carry against the 28th ranked rushing defense in the league. The Bengals had been allowing an average of 4.5 YPC coming into the game. Hardly something to get excited about. Brett Favre could use a great running back as a sidekick. He hasn’t had a 1500 yard rusher since Ahman Green in 2003. Favre could really use a quality ball carrier as his deal with Father Time ticks away.

Possible return for the Falcons: Favre could send them an autographed copy of his Falcons rookie card. That’s gotta be worth a few bucks, right?

Ronnie Brown to the Ravens
Who are the Ravens kidding naming Joe Flacco the starter? This team is and has always been built around defense and Quarterbacks that throw only screw up their mojo. The offense is only there to get into field goal range, keep the clock running and give the defense a breather, nothing more, nothing less. So why don’t they put an end to the shenanigans, acquire Ronnie Brown and run a version of the Wildcat formation. Heck, they could run the Wing-T and achieve their subpar offensive standards. McGahee and Brown in the backfield, picking up 1-2 first downs per drive, bleeding the clock and playing field position football. This will definitely get them in the playoffs.

Possible return for the Dolphins: “Dancin’ With Ray-Ray Lewis” VHS tape for Joey Porter, tons of crabcakes and the satisfaction of allowing Ronnie Brown play on a good team.

Jeremy Shockey to the WWE
Are you controversial? A head case? Generally belligerant? Play by your own rules? Often injured and on the downside of your career? Willing to ‘roid? Desperately holding onto your fame? You’re perfect for the WWE, son. Either that or the Raiders.

Possible return for the Saints: The disapperance of the stale tequila, cheap cigarettes and heavily perfumed yet sweaty tranny odor that has permeated the locker room.

“Hey San Fran, which way to the gun show?”
Brady Quinn to the 49ers
Brady Quinn. In San Francisco. We need to make this happen. It’s not just about SF being, you know, a locale for his most ardent fans. *wink wink* That is a big factor. Quinn jerseys would fly off the shelves. Maybe they could market some Brady Quinn underoos too. Anyway, it would be an astute strategic decision too. How long can JT O’Sullivan really keep fooling defenses? My money is on three or four weeks. I still can’t understand how he’s done it so far. It can’t last. Brady Quinn to the city by the bay! YES WE CAN!

Possible return for the Browns: A lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni and bunch of “Vote No on Prop 8″ bumper stickers.

“Somebody call my momma!”
Chad Ocho Cinco to the Cowboys
Honestly, I don’t think the Cowboys need another WR, and I don’t think Cincy is really hurting by having Chad around. I just want to see some fireworks. Here’s my recipe for fun: Mix two diva WR who love to bitch to the media, add one owner who will win at any cost, mix in a white girl with big boobs, and let sit for 17 weeks.

Possible return for Bengals: Walker: Texas Ranger! That’s right, with the Bengals constantly getting into trouble with the law, this would be the perfect fit. Walker would show up and keep all these boys in check with his magnificent karate kicks.

Brett Favre to the Patriots
Forget TO when it comes to attention whoring, Farve holds that record too. Now because Tom Brady has some time off there’s a really good team in need. Don’t get me wrong. Matt Cassel has done okay, but think of the dreamy look in Madden’s eye when Favre ends up on a truly competitive team. I realize the Jets might not want to let him go somewhere else, but once Favre realizes the air time he could turn this into he’ll force the issue and have Roger Goodell write the Jets a letter telling them to get this taken care of.

Possible return for the Jets: It’s going to take a lot. But I think the New York area would take a Red Sox World Series trophy so they could claim they have another championship for the Yankees. Having last years trophy with the Red Sox scratched out and Yankees written in Sharpie might be enough.

Vince Young to the Texans
Jeff Fisher has been all over the four letter talking about VY’s return to practice. It appears that Fish and the rest of Titans brass is so excited to have him back that they still aren’t sure about his place on the depth chart. Is he #2 or #3? Fisher gives his best coach’s shrug. But in Houston, he’s a solid #2 and could jump in and take over for Matt Schuab when Schaub has an upset stomach the night before. Sage Rosenfels has set the bar at turning over the ball 3 times in the last 4 minutes to lose, and I think VY can beat that.

Possible returns for the Titans: The Texans don’t have much but VY’s stock value doesn’t require much. How about a fourth round pick and Fisher’s beard back. (The Houston fans stole it a while back as a prank and have refused to return it.)

Minutes before the killing spree
Joey Porter to the Ravens
The Ravens love loud, brash LBs. But would they be willing to take one on who hasn’t killed two people? Possibly, but give Joey enough time and I’m sure he can iron out that little wrinkle. Can you imagine the trouble him and Ray Lewis would cause, both on and off the field? Somehow, Baltimore would become less appealing to people as a vacation destination.

Possible return for the Dolphins: Someone who used to play for the Cowboys. Seriously, the Dolphins love those guys!

“Did I leave the gas on?”
Herm Edwards to NFL Europe
Herm Edwards is one of the worst head coaches in the NFL. It is beyond me how he continues to be employed in the NFL. I don’t think he realizes that football games are timed events. Either that, or he doesn’t know how to read a digital clock. His teams “play to win the game”, but that doesn’t really happen very much. He owns a record of 14-23 in his 2+ years with Kansas City. The Chiefs have a strong, loyal fan base that doesn’t deserve the empty pep talks of a doofus like Herm. Let’s send him someplace where he can’t hurt anyone anymore. Let’s send him the NFL Europe. That still exists right? If it doesn’t, that’s cool too. We’ll just tell Herm to report for duty at NFL Europe HQ, 15 Europe Road, Europe. That’ll keep him busy for a while.

Possible return for the Chiefs: Uhh…I think this is a case of addition by subtraction. No return needed. Just don’t let him leave the European continent.

JT O’Sullivan to the Patriots
If a name qualifies someone to play in a city more than JT O’Sullivan should be playing in Boston, I haven’t seen it. He’s got a great Irish name and not black, which would immediately make him a fan favorite. He’s even got long brown hair and stubble. I’ll bet he’d even start talking in a faux-Masshole accent just to please the fans. Let’s make this happen, Pats!

Possible return for the 49ers: Matt Cassel, lifetime subscription to Belichik’s “Homewrecker MILFs” website and the dawn of the carny-handed Alex Smith era.