Pyle of List

In light of Favre being exposed for giving away the family secrets to the Detroit Lions, it got us thinking: what else can Brett Favre get away with? The media’s seemingly endless ball washing of this yokel knows no bounds (the story of him talking to the Lions is already off the front page at both SI and Yahoo Sports), but how far can this good will extend? We’ve taken a look at some things that we thing Brett Favre could actually get away with, needing only an ‘aw shucks’ and a scratch of his scruffy beard to make everyone forget what an asshole he truly is. Enjoy!

Jazz hands!

Live at the Luxor: Brett Favre

Brett needs something for the off-season. So looking back over the past 50 years I got to wondering what a semi-talented, good ol’ boy from the deep south with a fear of becoming irrelevant if he’s not in the limelight every single second, and it dawned on me. Brett is the next Elvis…he gets entirely too much credit for his talent level just because he won’t go away and he’s already got the pill addiction thing down (more on that later.) So get your tickets for the 4 hour Brett extravaganza now because, just like Wayne Newton, the front rows are soon to be crazed Favre fans like Peter King and Madden…and no one wants to sit behind Madden.

Brett Favre would gun-sling his tongue down her throat

Kiss Suzy Kolber

Joe Namath did it and it spawned hours of youtube enjoyment and a hilariously irreverent sports blog. Just imagine what would happen if Brett did it. I don’t want to exaggerate or anything, but it might solve the economic crisis and cure cancer at the same time. Besides, he is quarterbacking for the Jets now. It just seems like the next logical step, right after he guarantees his team makes the playoffs. (P.S. Ex-players wearing their old jerseys looks goofy. I don’t care if it was the announcement of the Jets all-time team.)

Like invent the Volkswagon…

Write a book titled “What About All the Good Things Hitler Did?”

Nothing spells “down home charm” like preaching the works of a genocidal maniac. I can just see Favre dropping this gem at a press conference in which someone questions all the terrible interceptions he throws. “Yeah, I made some bad plays, but what about all them touchdowns? You know, it’s like, what about all the good things Hitler did?” Peter King then proceeds to write an article praising Favre for his historical knowledge and hatred of minorities.

“Haw haw!”

Spit a drink on a female at the club

Just a few weeks ago Favre played a practical joke by putting a dead animal in a teammates locker. Normally, leaving dead animals for people leads to a nice padded room. But not with ol’ Favre behind the gag! Instead everyone just chuckles and sighs at his boyish charm. So while Larry Johnson may get fined or even suspended for cooling a young lady off, Favre would be praised for his playfulness. 50/50 on whether the drink hits it’s intended target or hits someone else as Favre tries to force the spray into triple coverage.

If you’re gonna be an asshole, might as well be a greedy asshole!

Sell Green Bay’s strategic weaknesses to the highest bidder

This could be Favre’s retirement plan. He could lead seminars at the local Holiday Inn conference room with a bitchin’ power point presentation. Whenever he needs a little extra cash to cover vicodins or gas for his off-road vehicles, he could just host a new seminar. I envision titles of presentation topics to be things like “Aaron Rodgers is a pussy”, and “Don’t forget your hand-warmers!”. If he can sell them out for free, the next logical step in the progression is to make a business out of it.

Favre likes the part where they hit each other

Have his very own WWE style entrance at the beginning of each half

Brett is never going away. Much like JoePa, Brett is convinced that if he quits he dies and they’re both right. But lets face it, at some point it’s nothing more than a Babe Ruth like sideshow to go out to the stadium to see Brett walk onto the field. And since Brett is sooo media savvy and from the area of the country that gave us the wonderful world of professional wrestling, I envision this: It’s a cool evening in the Meadowlands. All the players and coaches have been introduced, coin toss is over and the teams are lined up with no sign of the man everyone came to see. Madden and Michaels are talking incessantly about the obvious end of the long standing streak of starting games. The ball is placed on the tee as the ref looks toward the tunnel one more time, shrugs and prepares to blow his whistle to signal the start of the game but…the lights all go out and the crowd shrieks in excitement. As the first few notes of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” play a single spotlight hits Favre in his Green Bay jersey. But wait, he doesn’t play for them anymore, does he? He looks down to realize the snafu and reaches up to rip the Packers jersey off top to bottom to reveal a sequined Jets uni. As the fireworks fire off, Brett surveys the crowd with a smug look while nodding slightly. Even the opposing team applauds as the lights come up and Brett throws on his helmet and runs toward the field. After halftime the exact same thing happens…the Jets lose by 35 as Brett throws 8 interceptions.

Peter King is oh so thirsty…

Poison the Kool-Aid of his followers

Jim Jones has nothing on this guy, as Favre has so many more followers across this nation drinking his Kool-Aid. Everyone at the 4-letter rides his jock and refuses to say a negative word about Ol’ Brett. By the way, did you know that he LOVES playing football? Can’t you tell with the way he plays? The point is, if Brett decided to poison his followers because God told him to, he’d get a small fine, 12 featurettes on SportsCenter and an Outside the Lines documenting how passionately he carried out such difficult orders directly from The Man Upstairs with such passion.

What? You mean neutron, right?

Use the N-Word
This is the final frontier for Favre. He’s alienated virtually everyone in a variety of ways, but never crossed into overt racial slurs, although he probably came close in the Javon Walker holdout situation. I just imagine the media response: “Brett’s just trying to be one of the guys, everyone! Sure he dropped a few N-bombs, but they were the kind with an “a” at the end not an “er”, which makes it totally OK. Why can’t you understand that this is creating a sense of childlike exuberance in the locker room? WHY?”

Favre only wishes he could be wearing that jersey

Moon Joe Buck
Joe isn’t into dark meat, if you catch my drift, but he would adore the prospect of Favre’s supple hindquarters. Although this mating presentation would undoubtedly create a rift between Buck and his husband Troy Aikman.

Little known fact: Favre has never voted in a presidential election

Make racial comments about Obama

If you thought Sarah Palin energized the GOP base (and alienated everyone else), just wait until The Gunslinger weighs in on the presidential election. I’m afraid to even type the things he could get away with saying in a presser. You know the old saying about water off a duck’s back? Well, controversy is the duck and Brett Farve is just riding down the water slide on the controversy’s back. Yee haw! I bet you didn’t remember the cliché quite like that, did you?

“I need to run some errands…”

Admit to being a drug addict

Actually, wait, this already happened…

Got some things that we left off the list? Feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments. Best one gets a free cookie!*

*It’s an ookie cookie, so take it for what it’s worth.