Pyle of List

It’s only a matter of time. Lane Kiffin is going to be axed by that track suit-wearing AARP goon any moment now. The only reason it is yet to happen is because Al Davis likes to think that he’s punishing Kiffin by keeping him on the edge about his job security. He’s really just punishing the reputation of the Raiders organization. Once upon a time, the Raiders were a member of the professional football royalty in America. Since the 48-21 loss to the Buccaneers in Super Bowl 37, the Raiders have a record of 20-63 through last week. That’s some super suckage. Kiffin hasn’t helped turn much around in his tenure, but he hasn’t had much time. The Raiders will let him go as soon as they figure out an acceptable alternative. We are going to do our part to alleviate the pain and suffering of everyone involved by providing Al Davis with a list of top-notch replacements. Maybe that will help distract people from the altercation that transpired on Monday between team executive John Herrera and Mercury News reporter Tim Kawakami.

Al Davis - “You want the job done right? Then do it yourself! I haven’t lived through two World Wars, a Great Depression, and the shooting of President McKinley to not win a Super Bowl. Get out of the way, Davis is taking this team to the top! You there, Walker, run down the field! You there, Marcus, throw him the ball! Great. We can’t lose! And if we do, I’m totally fired!”

Nick Saban - Imagine Nick Saban and Alabama win the national championship this year. Yeah, I know…yikes. That would be the apocalypse methinks. But if they did, can’t you imagine him jumping ship yet again to join Oakland? It would really the most fitting next chapter in the snake-oil salesman’s nomadic journey to piss off as many fan bases in America as possible. He’d leave in a couple years probably, but only after he’d gotten Al Davis to sign over his entire estate to Saban on his death bed.

Frank Caliendo - “I hear this guy can act just like Madden anytime you want him too. And that rich guy what likes to fire people and the president, too. That’s great, that means he knows football, is tough on personal and can inspire people. He’s can also imitate Pacino so I can finally make me life movie with Al being Al like I’ve wanted. Get me Spielberg or his non-union, Mexican equivilant.”

Brett Favre “We need to have some fun around here, boys! Back in the old days we’d have Art Shell running around, sodomizing rookies and Madden eating Sloppy Joe’s off cheap asian hookers. Why cheap? Hey, you can’t let ‘em break the bank, know what I mean? We need that sense of joy back and this country sonafbitch sure as hell has that. Look at him, he’s carrying a negro on his shoulders! Plus, he loves to throw that damn deep ball which is really what we’re missing on offense. You gotta get Tim Brown and Willie Gault the damn ball.”

Hugh Hefner “Look Hef, I’ve run into a few coaching problems. This cocky bastard Griffin crossed me, and you NEVER EVER cross Al Davis! So I need someone who’s hip and with it to appeal to these kids in the locker. I tried with this upstart but he crossed me Hugh… and you NEVER EVER cross Al Davis! Nobody knows what these young turks need better than you, Hef. I mean they still beat off to your magazine everyday, every damn day! Sometimes during team meetings or even practice. But they also know that you NEVER EVER cross Al Davis! So Hef, will you coach this team… and bring along some of that hot tail?”

Phil Jackson -“I’ve been watching this guy coach the basketball for a few years and he’s got it together. He can take the best players in the world and turn that into championships. Now it’s time he try it out in a real sport. I’ve got enough football knowledge for the both of us and I put this team together so we know the players are the best that money can buy. There’s no way we can lose.”

Jesus - At this point, that’s about the only person that could tolerate working for Al Davis. Jesus will forgive anyone. Over and over and over again. He’s got patience for centuries. And also, Jesus could probably figure out how to make JaMarcus Russell not suck, right?

Bo Jackson - Because Bo knows coaching.

Coach Taylor - Al Davis is just old and crazy enough to not know whether or not the people on TV or fictional. So when he sees Eric Taylor leading his team to victory week after week, he assumes he’s a real coach. He also can’t figure out why Street and Riggins went on that booze cruise in season 2. But then again, neither can any of us.

Al Pacino This would actually be an accident, but seems somewhat likely. Al was watching “Any Given Sunday” on TV and thought it was actually an extended Al Pacino sketch on “Frank TV”. So when he bumped into Pacino, he actually thought it was his first choice, Frank Caliendo (see above).

Ed Hochuli - Poor Ed. All this guy has ever wanted to do in life is ref football games and pump iron. After a blown call late in the SDG @ DEN game a couple weeks ago, his whole world view has been seriously shifted. From what I’ve been reading, the guy is inconsolable. I think he needs to find new direction. He could resurrect himself as the Raiders coach. Even if he wasn’t that great at coaching, it would make for a hell of a media circus. And we all know the Raiders organization loves to circus it up in the media room…