Pyle of List

It’s just like the plasma screen….if you don’t have it, you want it…..

As we count down to football beginning and the end of the Olympics (which can’t come fast enough, I watched 2 periods of women’s field hockey this week) it’s time to start planning those football parties. You know, inviting everybody from the office and the bar over to the house on Sunday afternoon to watch that local team play that division rival. Spending Saturday afternoon at the store loading up the cart with chips, dips and alcohol.

Or even better, you get the invite and have to follow that hand drawn map over to some co-workers house, stopping at the last convenience store to buy a six-pack of something you’ll actually drink or a bag of Ruffles cause your not going to be the tool that shows up with nothing.

It never fails that these parties attract some interesting characters, so as a public service we’ve put together a list of the most annoying personalities at the football watching party…you’ll recognize these folks and for the love of all that’s holy…if you are these people….STOP IT….

The Lingerer

This guy is probably a neighbor, casual acquaintance from work, or your significant other’s friend’s relative that’s new in town. Either way, he’s likely the saddest, most pathetic person you kind of know. The kind of pathetic that’s harmless and makes your wife/girlfriend say things like “He’s such a good guy. Why doesn’t he have more friends?” or “He really deserves to find someone. I’m going to hook him up with Liz, my friend from college.” Anyway, he starts out the day as kind of wallflower but starts to make casual conversation with you or your guests by halftime, which he interprets as some sort of binding invitation to hang out at your place forever. This guy is always VERY socially awkward, which makes you feel bad, but as the rest of your guests leave and Football Night in America starts you realize he doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon. So, you make up some ridiculous excuse (which he totally sees through) and send him back to his sad, friendless existence.

This is how you operate a plunger, you jackoff.
The Toilet Clogger

This guy could be just about anyone. However, the fella is usually lactose intolerant. But he decides today, at your house, is a good time to eat half a pound of cheese. Shortly, smells of unclaimed methane permeate the room and he’s making the sweaty, holding-it-in face. Right around the end of the third quarter he quietly retires to the commode. You may not even notice his absence. Usually, he’ll resurface with about five minutes left in the game. When the game ends and everyone goes to make the post-game pee break, that’s when his party transgression becomes public. But before anyone can figure out who’s responsible, the Toilet Clogger is already out the front door and on his way home to an unclogged toilet.

The dark side of DVR.
The Succubus

Your buddy invites you over for the big game. You and a few other folks. But alas, your the only guy to show up. Maybe everyone else knows. As the game begins, your buddy’s wife heads to the back bedroom. For the next 4 hours she calls your buddy back to show him some curtain samples or read him an e-mail she just got every 20 minutes or so. Leaving you watching the paused screen of the big game and ponder why you’d let the guy you grew up with marry such an evil, evil demon of a woman.

“…and she says ‘Get your hands off my beaver!’. Am I right? Hello? Is this thing on?”
The “Funny” Guy

Sadly, I think this might be me. You see, I’m pretty funny. But nobody thinks that more than me. So while we’re sitting around your place watching whatever games Fox and ABC subject us to because we’re both too cheap for Sunday Ticket, I’m going to try to make sure everyone else knows just how funny I am. My actions will not be limited to: mocking commercials (”This guy in the KFC value menu commercial is terrible!”), hilarious hypotheticals (”Seriously, what if Hitler had been a bear? Hitler bear!”), and player-name puns (”Matt Jones? More like Matt Pwns!”). I’m sorry.

Keep your pimp hand strong
The Fighting Couple

“No, no, go ahead and bring your girlfriend to our guys get together, it’s cool. She likes football, I assume. No? Okay, well I’m sure she’s pretty laid back. Not really, you say? Hmm…hey, what’s with the long face? Oh, you guys got into a fight on the way over here about how you never let her hang out with your friends. Gee, I wonder why…” The worst part of the day is when you have to pile on by pulling your buddy aside and explain that if she’s going to sit in the best seat in the house, she has to do more than just sit there and mope. Like take off her shirt for starters. What? Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one who brought her! [Editor’s note: the other variation on this scenario is the guy who’s girlfriend keeps calling him on his cell phone wondering when he will be home. Common things overheard: “Yes, these games are really that long”, “No, there are just guys over here”, and “what kind of tampons did you want again?”.]

The real fantasy owner doesn’t buy a magazine at the convenience store…he buys a thick encyclopedia from a book store.
The Fantasy Owner

This guy seems OK when you first arrive. Then the first Gamebreak comes on and he cheers. See, he has Jones-Drew on his Fantasy Team and he just scored a touchdown. Then, just a few minutes later, the ticker runs on the bottom of the screen and he cheers again. He also has Derek Anderson and Marion Barber, but he could be a little happier. He explains that he’s playing against a guy who has Braylon Edwards so that Anderson to Edwards pass helped in one League but hurt him in another one. As the afternoon wears on you realize, you don’t know how many teams this guy has but he is somehow connected to each and every skill player in the NFL. He even pulls out his laptop and finds a WiFi signal so he can check the rosters of some of the teams he forgot about. Not that he can check his scores. It’s past week two and he’d have to pay for live scoring. Thanks Yahoo for making Fantasy Football so accessible….really, thanks.

“Have you ever had the perfect filet?”
King of the Grill

The King of the Grill relishes the opportunity to be the chef du jour. He talks about his favorite dry rub from the remote Tennessee mountains that is only available by a mail order form in the back of Fish & Stream magazine. He complains that your grill is gas instead of hickory smoke charcoal briquets. “You’ll never get the kind of flavor you want from propane.” The good thing about the grill snob is that you won’t have to see him too much during the day. He’ll be out on the patio slaving away over a hot grill of gourmet bratwursts and grilled portabellas for a bunch of guys who would be just as happy eating cold hot dogs out of the package.

Mankinds greatest invention…ever…
The Remote Control Kaiser

Monday Night and your team is playing those pesky division rivals. But each and every time a commercial comes on this guy changes the channel. Monday Night RAW is on too. And he needs to know who’s going to get put into the ring of fire with thousands of scorpions to battle the champ for the belt on the pay-per-view special coming up in a few months. And, although that match isn’t on yet, he wants to show everyone this wrestler’s finishing move….just watch. While you only miss a few minutes of the 2nd quarter, it happens to be the few minutes with a fumble, 2 interceptions and 3 touchdowns. Plus, when you finally get back to the game, they’re waiting for the ref to make a decision that could be the most controversial call of the year. And that crack MNF crew has already shown every angle and they’re not really sure so they’re just going to wait for Ed Hochuli to make his ruling. Don’t worry they’ll probably show it on Sportscenter tomorrow morning.

The Token Black Guy

If you’ve ever been to a football watching party with white people, the only thing more common than a prominently displayed book collection is a token black guy. Usually someone in the group has a black friend they like to invite to big group functions to show off their embrace of diversity. Never the intimate dinner parties with their “real” friends, but this kind of setting is perfect. The token black guy (TBG) is usually pretty “laid back” and “well-spoken”, garnering the praise of all the party’s attendees. Usually, the TBG is used to being a mascot for white people and probably enjoys it. But, sometimes there’s a tension in the air when it’s clear the black guy’s white friend neglected to mention that he would be fulfilling the role of Token Black Guy instead of watching the game. Instead of enjoying football, the TBG gets to talk about Mos Def, Barack Obama and affirmative action.

The Beer Exchanger

It’s simple. A 40oz of Old English does not equal a twelve pack of the host’s precious import of choice. Just because you bring some beer, doesn’t mean you have some sort of unlimited beer pass, with access to the finest lagers someone’s fridge has to offer. You don’t have to limit yourself to the brew that you brought (nobody likes a beer hog), but you need to drink beer on the same level of quality, price and in equal amounts.

“Touchdown! Alright, 5 points for us!…What?”
The Know-it-All…Sorta

This guy is my personal nemesis. The reason I hate him so much is because he’s deceptive. You can pick the weirdos out of a crowd pretty quickly, but this guy always seems to get past your defenses. He slowly seeps under your skin throughout the day until finally you want to cut his throat with the small little cheese knife. It starts with a slight mispronunciation of a name. LaDanian Tomlinson suddenly becomes LaDamien Tomplinson. No harm really there, simple mistake. Then he starts talking about how great Chris Chambers is doing in the Dolphin/Chiefs game you are watching. The next thing you know he’s trying tell you about how Shaun Alexander led the league in TDs three years running. Shut up, you idiot! You clearly know nothing, so stop even trying! Your toddler-esque attempts to ride the two-wheeler of football knowledge are painful and grotesque. Every time you fall it gets more and more painful to watch you pick yourself back up and try again. Please, I’m begging you: knock this crap off!

The Question Guy
Also know as “The Riddler”

“What’s the score?” “Who’s the quarterback now in Minnesota?” “Did you hear what Keith Olberman said on Sunday Night Football last week?” “What’s the score?” “Was that the tight end or the running back?” (It was a lineman.) “Who’s the best team in the league right now?” (It’s week two.) “Hey, what’s the score?” If you end up sitting next to this guy you have two options really. You can spill the bowl of guacamole on him or you can just go ahead and kill yourself. Or both.