Pyle of List

We idolize NFL Players here at Pyle of List, just like pretty much everyone else in the blogosphere. We admire their strength, speed and general bad-assery. These men are modern day gladiators and we spend our weekends joyously watching as they destroy their bodies for our entertainment. With the popularity of fantasy sports (For my first pick, I’ll take the Unicorn!), we’re even more invested in the weekly exploits of NFL players, from their injuries to their late night dalliances at night clubs. But one pressing question remains, who would you want to hang out with? There are a lot of factors to consider. Sure you enjoy reading about the exploits of the Bengals but when you’re in the backseat of Chris Henry’s Range Rover, fleeing the scene of an assault, you might feel slightly different. And Leinart appears to enjoy himself, but he’s already got plenty of hangers-on to scavenge his leftovers.

So, which of these NFL stars do you want in your entourage? We’re picking three guys to complete our posse for the day.

JP

Clinton Portis
Any man that regularly does interviews whilst assuming the persona of several different characters is welcome in posse anyday. It’s obvious to me that Portis knows how to have a good time without taking it too far. Of course he’s also the guy that said something along the lines of the fact he expected to get into trouble in the offseason because he’s “just a young guy living life”. But he’s not talking about Ray Lewis/Rae Carruth trouble. He’s thinking Dukes of Hazzard, Varsity Blues type of trouble. Always outspoken, I imagine he’d crack some good jokes and bust some balls. Plus, for some strange reason, I always like hanging out with fast dudes.

Mario Williams
Nobody is better to spend a night on the town than a guy with something to prove. Usually its a guy who just got a promotion or broke up with his long-term girlfriend. He’s paying for dinner, buying everyone drinks and overly eager to brazenly hit on anything with two legs and a rack. Imagine if instead of being dumped, that guy was criticized by everyone in the world with internet access for being the number 1 draft pick. Then he spends the next two seasons outperforming the guys everyone thought were better. I guarantee you Williams is partying like a Saudi Arabian royal when he hits the town simply to rub it in everyone’s face. And with Super Mario, you’ll reap the benefit of having him in your posse.

The Gramatica brothers, on each others shoulders, wearing a trenchcoat as though they are one person
Just trust me. This would be a welcome addition to any entourage.

Danny

I wake up at 6:30 am to the sound of a GMC Escalade crashing into the front of my house. As I walk out into my living room, Easton Reflex Little League bat in hand, I notice that the car is already empty. On the windshield is a message scrawled in what I can only hope is lotion saying “We’re partying. You’re late!”. My posse must have arrived. My first stop, as always with these misadventures, is the bathroom where I see my first entourage member: Chicago Bears QB Kyle Orton:

“You see this bottle of Bicardi 151 I’m poundin’, bro? It’s gonna make me be able to fly!” As Kyle pounds more of the strongest alcohol legal for purchase in the US, I try to argue. But then I notice that he is sitting in my bathtub in an unidentifiable substance that smells like Splinter the Rat would after a lifetime of being in the sewer (and a giant rat) and decide it wouldn’t be worth my while. Kyle and I have been up this road before, and it only leads to trouble. As I shake my head in sorrow for the man with the best mustache at the QB position, a noise from the backyard reminds me that Kyle Orton is not alone. As I rush out, a beer can flies at my head. Luckily, I was ready for this and catch it. But as I look around, no one appears to be there. Then, a hefty object hits me in the back of the head. Vision blurred from the blunt force trauma, I can barely make out Washington Redskins TE Chris Cooley and his black man servant Virgil standing over me, laughing maniacally:

“See what happens when you don’t chug, buuuuudy!”, he screams as the foam from his Natty Ice falls on my face. “Your lucky my sack is only half full, or your ass would be dead!”. I don’t need to inquire as to what the sack is filled with. I already know…

Oh no! In all this excitement of my famous NFL friends dropping by unexpectedly, I forgot about my sweet girlfriend still sleeping in our bed. And if Orton is in the bathroom, and Cooley is in the backyard, that means that…oh no!

“Now who’s the fag?!”, screams Cleveland Browns QB Brady Quinn, as he rides my girlfriend like a carnival ride, “Have fun raising my kid!”

And just like that, the three members of my NFL posse are gone.

Phil

Matt Ryan

Wallet full of cash, NFL notoriety and none of the injuries slowing him down.  Don’t get me wrong, Ryan is next in a list that includes Alex Smith and David Carr as high first round draft picks from second rate (at best) schools that just don’t pan out (see also Joe Flacco).  But for now, Matt is someone I want in my posse.  Plus, I won’t be intimidated by his athleticism, because as easily intimidated as I am, come on…there ain’t many folks I’m sure I can take but…..

Leonard Davis

Every posse needs this guy.  He doesn’t have to be violent or crazy.  Just being at you table keeps those “over-served” individuals from trying prove anything.  There’s not enough booze that a human body can safely consume that would make you think about taking this guy on.  Plus, he makes up the weight that Matt Ryan gives up.

Jerry Jones

Right, I know. He’s not a player, he’s old and he’s Davis’ boss, why him.  Very simply Jerry has to be so connected that any time spent with this guy is a time you’d never forget.  I see the almost mafia like Sam Braun of CSI but I am painfully aware of the real possibility of getting  Michael Scott of The Office.