Pyle of List

In honor of the poster boy of choking, Greg Norman, leading the British Open after 3 rounds only to shoot a 77 and finishing in third, we wanted to bring you a list of choke artists.

“God, I hate Sundays.”

But here at Pyleoflist we strive to set ourselves apart from the other bloggers out there (have you ever smelled some of those folks?). So instead of telling you about the choke jobs (stop snickering) you hear about every time someone squanders a chance at history (ie The Perfect Pats or the Yankees going up 3-0 in the 04 ALCS) we’ve decided to bring you the second rate chokers. These are the guys and teams in sports that couldn’t achieve greatness, but couldn’t implode enough to etch onto our collective sports memory either. Enjoy!

When ‘can’t miss’ goes terribly wrong…

The Detroit Lions on Draft Day

No single entity has had more chances to shoot at the open net, to dunk a ball on a fast break, or hit a homer off a tee than the Detroit Lions on draft day. With a top-10 pick in all but 2 years since 2002, the Lions have hardly anything to show for it. Just to review: Joe-Joe Harrington #3 overall in 2002 (now a back-up in Atlanta), Charles Rogers #2 overall in 2003 (now out of league), Kevin Jones #30 overall in 2004 (cut this year), and Mike Williams #10 overall in 2005 (on his last chance with the Jags). Now, to be fair, the 02 draft sucked. But in 03 they took Rogers over Andre Johnson, Willis McGahee, Larry Johnson, and Troy Polamalu.

Also banged Madonna

Ted Williams

Listen Mass-holes, the charade has gone on long enough. Ted Williams was a fantastic ballplayer and a once in a generation talent. But he was less clutch than a Greg Norman and Chris Everet lovechild raised by A-Rod. He only made it to one World Series and hit .200 in 25 at bats with 5 strikeouts. So if you’re going to run A-Rod into the ground for his propensity to vanish in October, remember that The Splendid Splinter is his kindred spirit.

Never trust a Carney, they’re shifty!

John Carney

On December 21, 2003 the New Orleans Saints were fighting for a chance to go to the playoffs. And we are talking about the Saints, here. Making the playoffs is huge for these fans and could have given the head coach at the time Jim Haslett some more room on an ever tightening noose. With 6 seconds to go the Saints were down 20-13 and 75 yards from pay dirt with no way to stop the clock. Then the second most unbelievable thing of the afternoon happened. The Saints offense did their best Stanford-Cal impression and scored the TD after 3 laterals. No flags. 20-19 with no time on the clock but an extra point attempt to go. John Carney walked on to the field and promptly….missed. Game over, season over….see you next year Saints fans.

Sorry Buffalo. It would only get worse after this.

The Buffalo Bills of the early 1990’s

For the few Buffalo Bills fans out there (I actually know two, real, living, breathing, Bills fans) this was probably their best chance of ever winning a Super Bowl. I know they won the AFL Championship a couple times back in the 60’s, but no one cares about that. With Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas they rolled through four straight AFC Championship games. But they never came through in the big game. They’re best chance was their first chance, when they played the Giants in Super Bowl XXV. Wide right Bills fans. Wide right. I’m just glad I’m not a Bills fan. That’s string of Super Bowl defeats has to be one of the biggest cock teases in professional sports history, right?

Shouldn’t have had that shrimp cocktail. (Click on the picture for an action shot.)

Donavan Mcnabb

Dare I say it, Terrell Owens may have been correct. Maybe McNabb wasn’t good enough to win Super Bowl XXIX. Maybe he was too tired. I don’t think it was exhaustion from being out of shape though. I think McNabb was under so much pressure to win the game for the city of Brotherly Love that his nerves just couldn’t handle it. He was the face of that team. Philadelphians loved the guy. I think it would be interested to check birth records in and around the city to see how many boys were given the name Donovan from 2002 through 2005. Anyway, he was probably coming down of the adrenaline high from earlier in the game and his body couldn’t handle it. His Willie Beamen spew moment would be well explained by a combination of nervous exhaustion and pressure to win the game. Sadly, the fine folks of Philadelphia had a talented quarterback who just couldn’t come through when it counted, even when his team finally gave him supporting team members to get him over the hump. (Editors note: As commenter Mike reminded me, McNabb puked against the Bucs. Not the Patriots. I got his multiple displays of exhaustion mixed up. It should have been obvious if I looked at the picture closely. My bad. All you readers are entitled to a full cash refund.)

“Um, score more than them?”

Barry Switzer in his first year with the Cowboys

At a dinner party Jerry Jones confronted Jimmy Johnson, who had won the last two Super Bowls, and told him he could hire 500 coaches that could win the next Super Bowl with this team. The two parted way later in the same off-season and Jerry found coach 501. Barry Switzer took over the Cowboys and spent a season playing coach. In fact, according to Nate Newton the only time Barry ever even attempted to actually coach the team was in the NFC Championship game, which they lost to the 49ers 38-28. The 1994 Dallas Cowboys had the opportunity and ability to become the only team to win 3 straight Super Bowls. To this day Cowboys fans will often credit Jimmy Johnson with all three 90’s Super Bowls…not because their uninformed, it’s just too painful for them to admit that Switzer actually won one in 95.

“…but it’s Friday, and you ain’t got sh!t to do!”

Randy Moss

The star of 3 favored teams (2 seemingly unbeatable) that were upset in the Playoffs. In 1999 he led the awe-inspiring Viking offense through the NFL, like, well… Vikings. They pillaged opposing defenses and plundered the offensive awards for their brilliant season. But, when it mattered in the Playoffs he came up short. In 2001 he had a dreadful performance as Minnesota lost to the Giants 41-0. And we all know what happened in the most recent Super Bowl. When he’s on the biggest stage, Randy Moss looks for his understudy. The reason: asphyxiation.

Stay down, Angels.

1995 Anahiem Angels

Yeah, forgot about this one didn’t you? Well I personally can’t because my family is full of stupid Angels fans. My family has had a share in season tickets since the stadium opened, so they are all die-hards, with my mom in particular being very McClane-ian. I, however, loved Ken Griffey Jr. and the Mariners. And I wonder why she didn’t love me…Anyways, on August 10th the Angels were up 11 games on the M’s, and still up by 6 on September 13. A nine game losing streak (their second in as many months) left the Angels in a dead tie with the M’s, necessitating a one game playoff. I remember sitting in my living room watching that game with my best friend Ethan and my parents, and when it was all over (the M’s won 9-1, keeping the Angels from their first playoff birth in a decade) I got one ‘Woo!’ out before my mom threw a book at me and told me to go to my room. Somehow, people don’t talk about this when teams collapse *cough*Mets*cough*.