Pyle of List

A guest post from a colleague at Death Rattle Sports

…massive amounts of boredom. A little over 3 months ago I got my first and if I have any
brain, my last DUI. First of all, any sentence that starts out with “first of all” you want to ignore. But secondly, I just finished my 12 hours of “Counter Attack” school and learned that 70% of first time DUI offenders turn into repeat offenders. 30% of these drunks repeat within year 1 and half within 5 years.

The penalties for my stupidity were 1 year probation (6 months with good behavior…getting my shit done on time), 6 months suspended license (can get work permit after 3 months), 50 hours of community service and over 5 grand in penalties/lawyer fees. Again, I’m a first time offender and from what I hear Florida laws are as harsh as any in the nation. To get to work, I either have to drive illegally or take a $23 taxi ride ($46 both ways). Personally, the penalties for first time offenders seem a bit steep to me but whatever. I did the field sobriety test, thought I did great and then had handcuffs slapped on. In fact, the girl that was with me was amazed at how good I did saying, “I could not have done that well sober.” I refused the breathalyzer because I always heard you should refuse and I was, well, drunk. The reason I got pulled over was I was going 40mph in a 30mph speed zone. I then took a right at a “no turn on red” light. Bummer. I feel like I’ve learned my lesson and until I had recently endured a break up after a five year relationship, hardly drank at all. I have the rest of my life to prove I’ve actually learned something, I suppose.

Yeah, so I’m single, have no license to drive, am on probation, football season is still a month away and all I can find interest in is the oh-so-redundant political coverage and internet porn. The sporting world has lost some of its flavor as baseball just does not cut it for me anymore. Tiger Woods did that hurt leg thingy which was fun to watch. Rafael Nadal made me a little more excited about tennis again because he is simply amazing. Outside of those two stories, I’ve been just scratching my balls and worrying about shit I should not worry about.

That’s right, such as my teeth. I had to have a root canal and my dentist says I need braces. Now I brush, floss and rinse obsessively which is good and all but I’m losing my mind. I’ve been thinking about aliens. That’s right; a former astronaut says its common knowledge that UFO’s really do exist. I have been playing tennis lately when my friend will pick me up to play, so I’ve been worried about getting mesothelioma. That’s right, apparently some types of carbon nanotube may (or some could, not really….who knows!) cause lesions similar to that of asbestos exposure, which can cause the deadly cancer you always see advertised on tv.

In a month college football season will start, NFL football will start, I’ll be moved downtown and next to where I work and I’ll have plenty of things to distract me. I won’t have to worry about picking girls up in my car to take them on dates! Until then I’ll stay swamped with my web side projects in my efforts to take over the world. I won’t drink and drive, I won’t get cancer, I probably will get braces (damn, that blows) and I won’t be sober when tailgating. Let’s play ball!