Pyle of List

Yeah, I know I didn’t update about Game 7. Give me a freakin’ break! My heart is getting broken over and over again and all you people care about is my slacking off. *sobs* It’s just not fair…but to make it up to you all, I’m going to sort of liveblog this game. We’ll see if that’s the magic touch.

I’m actually currently “watching” this game on Yahoo! GameChannel which is an utterly abysmal way to follow a game, but my only option here at the office. Russel “Forget about Piazza” Martin homered in the top of the first giving my boy KERSHAW!1! a two run lead before he even takes the mound. I’m feeling lucky!

Crap. Lead-off double, then a single, and that lead is cut in half. Don’t do this to, please. Ha! Look at that! An out. How is it Hunter Pence is driving in runs off good ‘ol Uncle Charlie but Lance Berkman (you know, the guy having an AMAZING season) can’t get around. Bogus if you ask me. Damnation, Carlos Lee singled too. Remember when Carlos Lee was a hot free agent that everyone is bidding over? Yeah, I forgot he even existed too. Welcome to Houston, Fatman! Tejada down. Man, if this was 1999, KERSHAW!1! would be the man right now. Let’s just get this terrible inning over with so I can catch the bus home, make some burritos, have a few drinks and then blog about the rest of the game. Boom! Suck on that Mark Loretta. Alright, so three hits and one run in the first inning, but he’s still got the lead. We got this. We can do this!

God that was a long bus ride. I got home just in time to watch my boy KERSHAW!1! get Bourne Identity to ground out to Jeff Kent. The dream is still alive!

Yes! Another run of support. I currently love you, James Loney. First out in the third is a looong fly ball, but an out nonetheless. Boom! Big Puma my ass. You just became the first Lembeck of the night, my friend. And then Carlos Lee has to go and spoil the 1-2-3 inning by getting his second hit of the night. Tejada gets gassed on the first pitch (94 mph) and I’m calling Lembeck #2 right here…well, not a Lembeck, but an out still. Three in the bag, which means just two more innings until KERSHAW!1! can get his first ‘W’. While the Dodgers hit, please excuse me while I enjoy my burritos and rum.

Well well well, another run. Look at this offensive explosion by my boys to support my boy. You know, the announcers were talking about how this is KERSHAW!1!’S first start in this home state and it got me thinking: you don’t think he was waiting to win a game until he was on his home turf, do you? Nah, he wouldn’t do that to me. We’re too good of friends for that. Trust me, we talk on-line all the time. Damnation, another hit! Hoo doggie; 6-4-3 double play. Wait, did KERSHAW!1! just wink at me? I think he did! *swoon* Loney further entrenches himself in my heart by digging a ball at first to end the inning. [editor’s note: heh, “digging a ball”!] Who the hell is playing short for the Dodgers anyways, Maza? Are you kidding me? They might as well give me a call to come out and hit my weight (.160) and short-hop throws to first.

Oh god, the announcers are talking about how they “don’t get” how kids wear their hats these days. How come all baseball announcers are stuffy old white guys? Why don’t they get someone young and energetic in the booth? I think it would be cool. Actually, Fox Sports somethingorother out here has a channel you can watch with no announcers at all. If I could find it, that’s how I’d watch all the games. Kent doubles in Martin for another run! Kent only hits well when minorities are on the hill, just to “put them in their place”. Actually, that might not be a bad study for some stat nerd to undertake: Does Jeff Kent’s racism make him a better hitter? I know I’d read it.

Alright, just one more inning and this game officially belongs to my boy KERSHAW!1!. Reggie Abbercrombie is pinch hitting. Do you think major leaguers make that obvious joke, or do they just let it lie? Boom! Doesn’t matter because his last name is now Lembeck! 1 down, two Lembecks on the night. Bourne Supremacy hits a weak grounder the short for out #2 and the announcers are starting to gush about my boy. Hey, get to the back of line old man! Some of us have been suckling at this teat for months.  96 mph at the knees. If I could do that, I’d probably be a major league pitcher. Boom! Oh god! Oh my sweet dear god! Pence just stared Uncle Charles right in the face and blinked. Lembeck #3! Announcer: “That ought to be outlawed!” Well, that makes it officially Clayton’s game now. Let’s see how the bullpen is going to blow this one…

KERSHAW!1! is still in the game as he bunts Maza over to second. COM-PLETE GAME! COM-PLETE GAME! Don’t be a puss, Torre, let this eagle soar! Russel Martin might be the best catcher in baseball. Not only is he calling a great game behind the dish, but he’s also been on base all 4 times and driven in three. The Kemp (you must always include the ‘The’ before his last name) just stole third. My only question is: where has this crap been all year?!

Oh where was that pitch, Blue?! Cheese and rice, squeeze that strike zone any more and you’re gonna have to marry it. Great, now Carlos Lee is up again, who’s already 2-for-2 on the night. Boom! That’s right, Lembeck, sit the eff down! Whoo! Announcers are now clowning Lee for standing up there like the didn’t strike out. Maybe they’re not so bad after all…Damn, Tejada finally catches up to a fastball for a base hit to center. Jeff Kent is talking to KERSHAW!1! on the mound and, as always, does not look like a happy man. I can only imagine what kind of racial tirade is going on out there right now…Two outs and my boy KERSHAW!1! is done for the day. He can only win this one, ladies and gents! Now that he’s out of the game, expect a lot fewer updates (and a lot more rum for me).

Aw, are you kidding me?! Some jabronie named Faulkenborg gives up a HR to the first guy he faces. Nice work, Torre. I swear to god if the bullpen blows this lead, it’s a damn conspiracy. Luckily he gets the next guy, but now the score is 6-4 Dodgers and my boy KERSHAW!1!’S game doesn’t look as impressive (3 ER vs. just 1).

Well, the bullpen makes it interesting as usual. Broxton walks Berkman intentionally to bring the go-ahead run to the plate in the form of Carlos Lee. I swear, if they blow this lead there will be f*cking murders! Whoosh! Lee just got gassed on a 97 mph pitch about letter high. That was a sexy freakin’ pitch. Aaaand Lee jacks one off the left-field wall to tie the game. So there you have it: murders. Nice work, bullpen, way to blow the best offensive output from your team in weeks and the best outing of your top pitching prospect. You know who I feel really bad for now? Well, it’s two people actually. Firstly, I feel bad for my liver because I’m going to have to drink a hell of a lot of rum to forget this game. Secondly, I feel bad for the ladies of Houston, because my boy KERSHAW!1! is going to have to piledrive a hell of a lot of them to forget it as well.

You know what, that’s it, I’m not even going to watch the rest of this game. I’m just too upset at this point. It’s not fair, damnit!!!

Final line: 5.2 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, 2 BB, 4 Lembecks, 1 stupid move by Torre pulling KERSHAW!1! out too early.

@#$!