Pyle of List

I don’t always get excited for movies because most of ‘em these days are for chicks, queers, snot-nosed brats and slightly older punk kids that wouldn’t know hard work if it rode over them in a raised Chevy Silverado. But I went to see the Dark Knight ’cause I understand Batman. A heroic white man trying to clean up his city through hard work and ass-kicking, not welfare programs. If Batman was a baseball player, you bet your sweet, hot ass that he’d act like he’d done it before and that he was gonna do it again.

Enough of the foreplay, here’s what I thought about the movie:

I. Don’t. Get. It. I don’t get it. What’s all the fuss about, hippies? I mean, I walked out of that theater scratching the ‘ol mustache trying to figure out while all these fat kids with breathing problems around me where so excited. “Greatest movie evar!” my ass. You want to know the greatest movie ever? Birth of a Nation. Ain’t been topped yet, and I don’t plan on anyone ever beating it. Although if anyone does, it might be Clint Eastwood. He’s a real ‘Merican.

Anyways, the movie has some kick ass action sequences, including one where Batman is just ridin’ ’round on a motorcycle blowing up people who don’t pay as much taxes as he do. You know how I love ridin’ and restorin’ old dirtbags, so this one really hit home with me. But I really respect this Batman feller. First off, he’s rich as hell, kind of like me. Secondly, people like to tell him that he ain’t nothin’ special and to stop calling James Loney “half-y”. Stupid Torre. Hey, go make me a lasagna, John Arbuckle! I think I’m getting my metaphors confused again. Oh, and did I mention that he’s got this colored fella to make all his gadgets for him and a Brit for a butler? Score two points for ‘Merica, Mr. Wayne.

But there are two parts of this movie that I just didn’t get. Firstly, who is this broad, and why are we supposed to believe that two perfectly straight men would be falling over themselves to get into her bear trap? Why, there are at least five women at each of my yearly family reunions that I’d rather bed than that badger. Shoot howdy! Did you see the scene early in the movie when she’s power walking through a courtroom (women lawyers, yeah right…what’ll you think up next, Hollywood!)? Her breasts look like a couple of Zip-Loc baggies filled with water. No thank you!

And secondly, and most importantly, why is every saying Heath Ledger was so good in this movie? I, personally, didn’t care for his performance at all. Now, I know he did that queer movie last year that everyone was talkin’ about, of which I did not bother to see, so I know he’s got some buzz to his name, but I didn’t think his work was anything to write home about. I mean, sure, a couple of those lines were pretty cool, but how hard can it be to say a few lines as a wishy washy lawyer? And imagine him, tryin’ to throw the Batman under the bus like that by revealin’ his true identity. Leave it up to a gay I guess. Just one more guy I won’t have to invite to my annual “You shoot it, you cook it” man’s outdoor trip.

Now whoever played the Joker, there was a real man! The kind of guy I’d feel safe leaving with my daughter and knowin’ he’d respect me too much to try and touch her. The kind of guy who, while on a fishing trip in the mountains, ain’t afraid to share his sleeping bag with his good buddy Jeff when it gets too cold. A man’s man!

Overall, I gave this movie 2 Yee-haws! out of 5.

Man, I can’t wait for that Toby Keith movie to come out!!