Pyle of List

Now, yer old boy Jeff Kent doesn’t rent movies. I’ve never trusted that there Blockbuster and certainly don’t get Netflix. So the only time I see movies that I didn’t catch in the theater is on the team bus or plane on road trips. And on our way back from DC this week, boy did I catch a doosie: Lars and the Real Girl.

Well how do you do, Miss! This movie is about some queer who doesn’t like no kinds of social interaction. He’s basically a retard that everyone is pretendin’ is okay. So he goes and orders himself a high class blow up doll off the internet and tries to pass her off as his very much alive girlfriend.

Now, as funny as this premise sounds, this thing ain’t no Weekend at Bernies II let me tell you. It’s not even Weekend at Bernies I ! Everyone knows she’s a faker and just plays along as not to upset the little tard-o. Well, that is not how Jeff Kent would have handled it. In fact, that isn’t how I handled it all when one of my teammates tried this same shenanigan. Good ‘ol Nomar brought a girl to spring training one year who clearly wasn’t real. He had all this back story too: said her name was Mia and she was a soccer player or some other bull crap. Well, this good old boy wasn’t going to stand for that! I drug that little action figure of his up to the Loge stairs and pushed her down just to prove to that Eye-talian that she wasn’t real. Then I slapped him across the face and told him to “knock off all that weird shit you do at the plate! Just hit the damn ball!”. He spent 5 weeks on the DL because of that slap.

Anyways, this movie was slower than that spear chucker Andrew Jones after one of his four hour marathon dinners. Lazy nincompoop. I get it, you went to some gay art school and got a degree in movie makin’. That’s all right and good but why make us suffer with endless shots of barren trees to symbolize the doll’s death. Oh yeah, spoiler alert on that last line there. But seriously, stop being so trite and par-tentious.

This movie did get ‘ol Jeffy thinkin’ to himself though. Is them dolls for real? Well, that sleepyhead closer of ours is real good at this internets thing and showed me a couple sites where you can get a girl just like in that movie. Well, I thanked him very much, but told him we still weren’t even after what they did to Pearl Harbor.

Overall, I give this move 1 Yee-haw! out of 5.