Pyle of List

Iz can come bak now?

If you’re anything like us, you’re sick of the way the media idolizes Brett Favre. They’ve treated him with kid gloves during infidelity, drug addiction, bad performance and the annual retirement circus. Let’s just put it this way, if A-Rod was acting like Favre he would be drawn and quartered on live television. This unretirement situation is no different. Much of the media thinks the Packers should beg on their knees for Favre’s return or stupidly grant his unconditional release. The worst part is that if he comes back and plays well, we’ll get months of puff pieces. If he stinks (like most of the last 4 years), they’ll create enough excuses to power every single automobile in America for 2 years. If excuses were a valid fuel source, of course.

To do our part in keeping Favre retired and out of the public eye (although Disney will probably pay him $10 million/year to be an analyst), we’ve created a cautionary list of the worst unretirement decisions known to man. These guys could probably give you some good advice, Brett.

Captain Freedom (”The Running Man”)

How quickly the mighty fall. Captain Freedom went from being the most popular and decorated Stalker of all-time on TV’s most popular show to making crappy exercise videos. He took the traditional athlete post-career path and became an analyst, but he “got the itch” again and wanted to come back to take on a worthy opponent. What he didn’t realize by he time he un-retired was that the game had already passed him by. Fed up with his new uniform and with a newfound respect for the upstart challenger, his comeback was short-lived. To cover up the debacle, the show used computer imaging to create a false ending where Captain Freedom triumphed. Considering the media’s love affair with you, Brett, they’d do the same for you: changing all those INT’s you’re destined to throw into incompletions or TD’s with CGI. Do you really want to go out as a washed-up QB propped up by the media?

Magic Johnson (TNT Analyst)

This isn’t about Magic’s many attempts to come back to the NBA, which were all moderately successful. He certainly didn’t embarass himself like so many other athletes. Unless of course all the other players subscribed to Karl Malone’s understanding of HIV and were afraid to touch him. Then it’s less impressive. Anyway, it is very common for athletes to become analysts or commentators after their careers wind down (see Capt. Freedom above). But for the leader of the Showtime Lakers, that wasn’t enough for Magic. He got his own late night talk show called “The Magic Hour”. The problem is that Magic had no command of the English language, which is pretty important for a “talk” show host. The show was quickly and mercifully cancelled, leaving Magic to pursue business and other non-speaking pursuits. But the suits at TNT must’ve never seen the tape of “The Magic Hour” because they brought him out of broadcasting retirement to use him as a studio analyst, which befuddles everyone that’s ever listened to Magic for more than 15 seconds. Don’t be a laugingstock like Magic, Brett.

Jim Jeffries (Boxer)

An undefeated boxing champion at the turn of the Century, Jeffries did what very few other fighters can do: left the sport on top. But like every successful boxer in the history of prize fighting (sans Marciano) he unretired. His ego, wallet and belief in white athletic superiority lured him back to the ring to take on Jack Johnson as “The Great White Hope”. In the most racially charged match of all-time, Jeffries was brutalized by Johnson and his corner stopped the match in the 15th round because they didn’t want him to be knocked out by America’s least favorite black man (which is saying something in 1910). The loss to Johnson sent Jeffries back to retirement where he remained for the rest of his life, the only blemish on his record caused by his own hubris. Being the Great White Hope isn’t all its cracked up to be, Brett.

80’s Action Heros

A little over twenty years removed from sitting down to watch The Temple of Doom (the first IJ movie that made an impact on me), I walked into a Theatre in Brownwood, TX and watched an 85 year old Indiana Jones rekindle his romance with Marion Ravenwood and Irealized something. 80’s Action movies need to be left alone. Whether it’s Rocky coming out of retirement to box because ESPN showed a video game version of himself against the young champ or John Rambo continuing his path of distruction across the globe in retribution for getting sent to Vietnam, the craze of proping up these geezers in there old costumes and writing a flimsy excuse for a movie around that has got to end. Hollywood, you want to continue a franchise after the actor is too old to play the part, get decent stories and scripts and then find a young actor to play the part, this is called the James Bond method. It will not only prolong your franchise but if done correctly will get a heathy debate about who played it best going.

“Yeah, my bad!”

Michael Jordan

I’m not talking about, “oh baseball was fun, but let’s win some more rings” Jordan. I’m talking about Washington Wizards Jordan. You know, embarrassingly obscure Jordan, can’t make the playoffs Jordan, and all-too-easy “Wizard Sleeve” jokes Jordan. His forays into the world of executives isn’t going all that swimmingly either. Say ‘hi’ to Kwame Brown, children. Now let’s move along, these floors aren’t going to mop themselves.

On a very special episode of ‘Roiders’…

Sammy Sosa

Now, some of you will pull up some stats and state that Slammin’ Sammy didn’t do that bad last year with the Texas Rangers and actually reached the 600 HR plateau. And to you people I say; shut the eff up! I despise Sammy Sosa and wish he had never injected himself…into the heart of Americans…with steroids. I threw a party the day he retired (no one came, but that’s because it was in my mom’s basement, right MSM?) and cried the day he came back. Hey, guess how he “rediscovered” his swing after missing a couple years because his skills had diminished so badly. The same way he found it the first time…

“Where the white women at?”

Superman

Oh god, nothing pissed me off worse than this. In 1993 DC Comics decided to kill of it’s most popular character of all time, Superman. And I couldn’t have been happier! Superman isn’t fun to me. It’s just not. I never worry about Supes losing because he will just discover a new power or push his existing ones to an all new level. Remember in the movie when he lifted an entire island made entirely of the substance that is supposed to kill him? Yeah, that chapped my ass a little bit. But when he died I applauded DC for making such a strong choice. Then two weeks went by and they tried out some new Supermen, which sucked major ass, so they just brought him back to life with some really, REALLY bad explanation.

One of the few great things to come from UCLA…

The Doors

Thirty-one years after Jim Morrison died in his Parisian bathtub some of the surviving band members (check Wikipedia if you really care for their names) decided it would be a good idea to restart their long retired, and fondly remembered band and name it “The Doors of the 21st Century”. Yeah, that actually happened in 2002. It sounds like some sort of shitty Ray Bradbury-wannabe scifi novel, doesn’t it? Or maybe a statement from Duck Dodgers. Jim Morrison was The Doors. When he died, the band did too. There’s no discernible reason, other than some serious debt, as to why they tried to reunite the band. If they were so hard up to play music again, start a new band and don’t name it “The Doors of the 21st Century”.  How hard is that?

“804 has a nice ring to it, right?”

Eddie Sutton

After a stellar coaching career and a battle with alcoholism, Eddie Sutton retired from coaching at Oklahoma State University in June 2006.  He had 798 career wins when he retired.  Apparently he didn’t want his giant silver beltbuckle in the shape of “800″ to go to waste.  He wanted to get two more wins to reach that plateau.  Well, he got a job with the University of San Francisco Dons to coach their basketball team.  He got his 800 wins.  He actually got 804 wins.  His team went 6-13 in the 2007-2008 season.  But was it really worth it.?  Did six more wins really outweigh the ignominy of coaching such a moribund team?  I guess only Eddie can answer that.  But just like Brett Favre, Eddie never learned that there’s something to be said for riding off into the sunset in dignity.

Deion Sanders

And then lets bring it all back into football for you, Brett.  You, no doubt, remember staying away from one whole side of the field because Primetime was over there, right?  Well, OK, you don’t.  There isn’t a pass you can’t throw right, Brett?  After stealing millions of dollars from “little” Danny Snyder in 2001 Deion retired and found a place on CBS as football as a commentator and fashon plate.  But, the pull of the NFL was just too strong.  In 2004 Neon Deion signed with the Baltimore Ravens and was never heard from again.  Well, Ok, he wound up back on TV with NFL network but I have Time Warner so I’m still not sure such a channel exsists.  In any case, at Baltimore Sanders changed his number from the magical 21 to his age at the time 37.  Yep, 37 thats a year younger than you are right now, Brett, and they don’t let QB’s wear anything higher than 19…see it’s just not in the cards.