Pyle of List

With the anniversary of OJ Simpson’s (first) run in with the law, we don’t look to the past and Orenthal’s transgressions, we look to the future, and who can hope to follow in his Hall Of Fame, Isotoner wearing footsteps. Many athletes have run-ins with the law, but which of the athletes out there are willing to spend the time in the gym in order to become a legendary criminal like OJ. We offer up our 12 most likely candidates. Enjoy!

Nothing spells “classy, stand-up guy” like pro wrestling

12. Pacman Jones -Why would he not become the next athlete we associate with murder? Here is the person who made the idea of “making it rain” into an ominous statement. Ask strip club bouncers who they fear most OJ or Pacman. At least OJ attacks those closest to him and he does it himself. Pacman send in some of his entourage into crowded places with firearms when you disrespect him.

Pictured: Pure craziness

11. Mike Tyson - For all we know, Mike Tyson may have already whacked someone and eaten the evidence. Of all the gentlemen on this list, he’s gotta be the best candidate for cannibalism right? Depending on how loose your definition of “cannibal” is, he might already be there. Just ask Evander.

“That’s right, keep staring at the smile…soon you’ll all be dead!”

10. Shaun Alexander - I know this may seem like a reach to some of you, but really think about it: NFL running back that recently fell from the top of the mountain, desperately wants to be accepted by White America, and is now jobless with nothing but a bunch of money to sit around and cause trouble with. You may think he’s too mild mannered or “well spoken” to do something so horrendous as double murder, but you clearly didn’t watch any Seahawks games last year, as he already killed that season with his 3.5 YPC and fear of contact.

“Where the white women at?”

9. Kobe Bryant -Kobe is as cold and calculating as they come, both on the basketball court and off. Now that he’s convinced everyone he’s a nice guy again, he’ll probably end his celebrated career as a Hall of Fame shoe-in and media darling (sound familiar yet?). While Kobe is not a thug by any stretch (even though he’s demonstrated violence on the court multiple times), I truly believe he would murder someone post-retirement if they got in his way ala Michael Corleone. Anyone else remember those quotes from Reggie Miller to the effect of “something’s not right with that guy” from a few years back?

I can’t believe Pearl Jam wrote a song about this guy…

8. Jeremy Shockey - Shockey seems like a mortal lock for the off the field trouble after his days on the gridiron. Let’s be honest, all that rage and fire that makes someone like Shockey celebrate after every 1st down also makes him a ticking time bomb in civilized society. And when he’s done with football, something that has defined him since junior high, he’ll likely be dealing with some serious psychological issues that might just go untreated. Last time I checked, Oklahoma rednecks aren’t fond of therapy. Combine those two factors and you get someone just angry enough to commit murder and crazy enough to justify it.

“Stop him before he kills someone besides the Sacramento Kings!”

7. Robert Horry - Big Shot Bob. Already sounds like an expertly trained assassin, right? After his hip check of Steve Nash into the announce table at last year’s Western Conference Finals, everyone finally stood up and took notice that maybe Robert Horry is a dirty, dirty player. Now, we in LA have known this for years…we just didn’t say anything because he was on our team. But if Horry retires this off season like he’s contemplating, where is he gonna be able to blow his steam? I’ll tell you where; friends and family! I can just hear the testimonies now:
“He started shouting ‘3…2…1…’ then shot her in the back! Then he…he…”
“Go ahead miss, it’s okay.”
“He paraded around like he had just won yet another big game at the buzzer *sobs*”
“The defense rests.”

Some people never learn.

6. John Rocker - Rocker might actually a better candidate as a victim in this sick, twisted little list. Dude is just a vile person with some serious anger issues. He spewed so much hate and intolerance in his short stint in MLB. He’s now promoting a book he “wrote” called “Speak English”. It doesn’t seem that he’s changed his views much. That kind of anger and distrust of your fellow man doesn’t just go away…

Already off to a good start.

5. Maurice Clarett -This guy was one illegal U-turn from already being the next OJ in my estimation. On Aug 2, 2006 Clarett was chased by police after said driving boo-boo. When the police finally caught up with the former Denver Broncos Running back they where forced to subdue him with mace. They tried the ole reliable taser but the probes bounced off the Kevlar vest he was wearing. Inside the car; an AK-47, an Uzi, a Katana, 2 more loaded handguns and a half empty bottle of Grey Goose Vodka. I know you all have heard that before, but it’s got to be my favorite story to tell in about 7 different categories.

This looks like the beginning to a weird film noir.

4. Jon Daly -Nothing says crazy like a barefoot, blubbery, shirtless Jon Daly playing golf and doing an interview. If you haven’t seen it, here you go…worthwhile viewing. On top of that, his ex-wife is on that ridiculous “Roger Clemens girlfriends ages 15 and up” list. He loads himself up with so much alcohol and probably other substances, that going off the deep end and taking the ex and the Rocket out in a blind fit of rage wouldn’t be a shock to me at all. I can’t see him weaseling out of double murder, however I think laws would have to change to force him to take the stand….now that’s entertainment.

“What do you mean ‘If’ I did it?’”

3. OJ Simpson - He got away with it once. Why couldn’t it happen again? I’m sure OJ’s got the phone numbers of the surviving Dream Team lawyers. Besides, doesn’t it seem like OJ believes the law can’t touch him? He almost got a book published with the title “If I Did It”. Why else would he think he could waltz into a casino hotel room and rob someone at gunpoint? That is the work of a madman. Mad men don’t stop just because of the law.

“Jeff Kent is not a racist. He hates white people, black people, and Latinos equally.” - Lance Berkman

2. Jeff Kent - I picked this one basely on my unwaivering opinion that Jeff Kent is a dirty dirty racist. Imagine Kent coming home one day to his KENTucky ranch to see his lovely wife in the throws of passion with someone of, um, greater skin pigmentation. An hour later, news helicopters are following a man speeding down dirt in an old pick up truck and awesome wrap around colored glasses. (Editor’s note: seriously, why does Kent always wear those things?!)

It’s always the not so quiet, gap tooth-ed ones (see #10 for proof)

1. Michael Strahan - White wife + nasty divorce + jealous streak - football accountability = as OJ as it gets.