Pyle of List

With all the talk being shoved down our throat about players from all around sports demanding trades (Chad Johnson, Jason Taylor, Bill Hall) we thought it would be interesting to look at the men who should be crying out for a new locale. These men are all top talents who are wallowing away on some team where they just don’t belong. Some are on bad teams and deserve to be on better ones, and some just need a change of scenery. Hey, no one wants to be the next Dominique Wilkins. Dominique Wilkins doesn’t even want to be Dominique Wilkins. On to the list!

Yet another shot that won’t matter.

Elton Brand - Los Angeles Clippers
Destination: Cleveland Cavaliers, San Antonio Spurs

Has any hard-working, talented power forward ever played less minutes that count for anything than Elton Brand? A tireless competitor, Elton Brand has been a guaranteed double-double for the Clips any night he steps on the floor. He elevated his game during the Clips brief playoff run and hasn’t tasted the post season since. Anyone looking for a reliable sidekick should invest in Brand when the Clippers inevitably give him away. Side note: I have a theory that Elgin Baylor sold his soul to become a great player. But what Baylor didn’t expect is that the tricky-ass devil made sure he never won a title and was destined for front-office futility.

“Approve of me, damnit!”

Joba Chamberlain - New York Yankees
Destination: Anywhere but New York, preferably Oakland

Poor Joba. He really does have the raw tools to be something special one day but he’s probably going to wilt and die under the bright lights and scrutinizing eyes of the Big Apple. So much hype, and no time whatsoever to adjust to it. The guy gave up one earned run in his first ever MLB start and people are already calling him out as a bust. If he were in Oakland? He wouldn’t even be a blip on the world’s radar. He’d be allowed to grow and mature into a quality starter, then leave Oakland for a large sum of money in a bigger market, possibly New York.

“Throw it. More!”

Any Pitcher Managed by Dusty Baker - Cincinnati Reds
Destination: Whichever team Greg Maddux plays for.

If you’re a starting pitcher for a Dusty Baker managed team, you better be ready to throw at least 110 pitches every game. And every fourth game you will throw 185 pitches. There’s unsubstantiated rumors floating around (in this blog, specifically) that Dusty will make pitchers keep throwing after they finish a complete game if they haven’t reached their quota yet. Let’s look at the wake of quality starters he’s left in his wake in Chicago: Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano (who is only now just recovering from the Baker treatment). He destroyed Robb Nen’s shoulder too, and he wasn’t even a starter…but he was pretty old. So I can’t place all the blame on Baker for that one. However, his pitchers continually rank at or near the top of Baseball Prospectus’ Pitcher Abuse rankings. Now Dusty is in Cincinnati trying his darnedest to destroy another promising pitcher. He used Edinson Volquez on ONE DAY’S REST a couple weeks ago.

“Super, thanks for asking!”

Brady Quinn - Cleveland Browns
Destination: Miami, Buffalo, San Francisco, Kansas City, Chicago, Minnesota, Baltimore, Tampa Bay

Golden Boy was in a prime situation to thrive in Cleveland. They’ve spent a bajillion draft picks on linemen over the years. The law of averages says that sooner or later they were going to have a good line. They have Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards to catch the ball. Everything was set. Then this no name kid from Oregon State, AKA “Derek Anderson”, puts together a fantasy free-agent quarterback season unlike anything seen since, well…since before I started playing fantasy sports. Now the Brownies have to figure out what to do with Golden Boy. There’s a ton of teams that should be willing to take a chance on him. If they’re lucky enough to trade him, they’ll need to send along some cash to help offset the costs of his chest waxing and eyebrow maintenance.

When nightmares have nightmares, this is what they look like.

Kimbo Slice - EliteXC
Destination: UFC

Until Kimbo gets to the UFC and starts fighting quality opponents, he’s going to be all sizzle and no substance. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some Kimbo Slice. No one was happier when he busted that guy’s ear open on prime time TV. But I’m tired of the doubters and the haters saying he’s being coddled against sub par opponents. So I want to see him sink or swim, and the place to do that is the UFC.

So sleepy…

Yao Ming - Houston Rockets
Destination: Detroit Pistons, Atlanta Hawks

With all the hype when he entered the league, I didn’t expect the Yao propaganda machine to fizzle so quickly (Yo!-Yao!)… especially since he’s been playing better. But Lord knows he and T-Mac are never sniffing a title in Houston, particularly with a stacked West that’s either better, younger or both. Yao needs a change of scenery badly and while he doesn’t fit the Detroit Bad Boy image, he sure could get those shooters open looks and guard the rim. And he would just look even funnier in Atlanta since their team is so young and there are a lot of black people there.

“And now, Jessie Owens!”

Ronnie Brown - Miami Dolphins
Destination: As far away from Parcells as possible.

We all know Bill Parcells’ philosophy involves dedication to the run (read: shaving years off of a RB’s career with the insane amount of carries), but with the Dolphins terrible O-line he may kill Ronnie Brown this year. They’re firmly entrenched in year 2 of the “we don’t have anyone that can throw or catch” era, so Brown is the only legitimate offensive option again. That mean defensive coordinators have another year to render the Phins offense even less effective than last. When Jason Taylor dances somewhere else, Ronnie, I beg you… go with him! If all else fails, go party with Ricky.

Andrew Manhunter

Andrew Bynum - Los Angeles Lakers
Destination: Anywhere without a better Center

Andrew Bynum is going to be a very good professional basketball player. He might, in fact, already be there. The problem is he got hurt this year, and the Lakers went out and got Pau Gasol, who is an extremely good professional basketball player. So it’s gonna be tough for Bynum to be a star when there is someone better than him in that spot already. So he’s not going to get that big contract as fast as would if he were playing in, say, New Jersey or Cleveland, where they crave big men like big men crave cupcakes.

Memories…

Shawn Marion - Miami Heat
Destination: Phoenix, April 2008

I think Shawn realizes the mistake he made. I think the Suns realize the mistake they made. Can’t we all just pretend it never happened? If this trade doesn’t go down, we would never have been inflicted with the hug-a-Shaq-in-the-backcourt technique that the Spurs used in the playoffs. We could have enjoyed the Suns playing the way they were built to play for another year of playoffs. We wouldn’t have to be worried about Mike D’Antoni calling in a favor to his mafia relatives to “take care of” half the Knicks roster. (Although, that might be a welcome turn of events for Knicks fans.) It’s a simple solution really. We just get that time machine that the Dharma Initiative is hiding on that island and no one will ever know that Shaq wore a Phoenix jersey.