Pyle of List

I don’t know what to do anymore. After Friday’s not-so-great performance by my boy KERSHAW!1! I went down to the beach to gather my thoughts. The waves crashing on the shore always make me feel better…

What am I going to do? I feel like I am letting Clayton down by not devising a fail proof plan to get him his first W. He’s clearly depressed. I mean, look at this final line: 5 IP, 4 runs (on 4 hits),  3BB, and 5 Lembecks. Only a man who is unhappy with his win-less status allows a run for every hit he gives up. And I feel like it’s up to me, his biggest fan, to get him out of this…this funk that he’s in. So here are the 5 ideas that I came up with at the beach:

1. Ninjas - Okay, so this was one of the earlier ideas. But think about it; ninjas solve all of life’s problems. Especially if it were a clan of ninja pandas! No, wait, that’s a terrible idea…

2. Poke holes in the ball - I was watching these kids play wiffle ball at the beach when it struck me how much movement my boy KERSHAW!1! would be able to get on a pitch if the ball was full of holes (just like the Dodgers’ lineup. ZING!)

3. Steroids - Just to, you know, heal faster and stuff.

4. Borrow Stone of Destiny - If it can win Eli Manning a Super Bowl, then it can most certainly win Uncle Charlie a game.

5. Get traded to better team - No! When this thought crossed my mind, I realized I had hit rock bottom. So I got up off my sandy ass and started running. I ran all the way from the pier to the jetty in nothing but some autographed John Stockton basketball shorts and a wifebeater. After I had dismissed the line of ladies that had gathered behind me, I realized I just need to remain faithful. Keep believing that his amazing left arm will get him through this rough patch, that the Dodgers will start giving him some actual run support, and he will start winning every game like he does in my dreams.