Pyle of List

First off, mad props to anyone who got the In Living Color reference in the title. Second off, have you ever noticed how some quirky things always seem to pop up in the sports world? Most people believe that these are just strange occurrences that can be chalked up to luck. But what if they aren’t? What if they are the works of men in smokey back rooms? That’s right, we’re talking conspiracies here! We’re all familiar with many sports conspiracies, but there are many that don’t reach the common fan. We here at Pyle of List feel it is our duty to bring these oft forgotten conspiracies to light. Enjoy!

“Ever heard of a Sioux Falls Special?”

1. The WNBA is the result of mandatory sexual harassment training for David Stern

A little known fact about the NBA is that Commissioner David Stern is a raging sex maniac. He may look down upon the players for their dangerous behavior, but what he does behind closed doors makes the Marv Albert incident look like 1950’s TV shows where people slept in separate beds. The whole dress code was developed because he was going through a slump with the ladies and he really gets off on the idea of well-dressed large black men resenting his authority. But his insatiable habits make him very difficult to work alongside for anyone, in particular women. Sometime in the mid-90’s his longtime personal assistant, who wished to remain nameless, filed a sexual harassment suit (like every other woman at the time) against Stern and the NBA. He couldn’t risk his embarassing personal details becoming public, so he settled for a huge sum of money and agreed to a special diversity training project to show he respects women as more than just objects to foist his sexual deviancy upon. The project’s name: Project WNBA. Sadly his offenses were so serious that the WNBA will run until at least 2305.

“How much you squat?”

2. Sammy Sosa won a “steroid lottery” held by MLB to decide who would race McGwire to 62

We all know that baseball was floundering after the strike in 1994. And we all know that the saving grace was the explosion of home runs in the late 90’s led by Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire racing to break Roger Maris’ record. Finally, we all know that steroids played a big part in this. What you don’t know, is that McGwire was hand picked to be the man to break Maris’ record. But a one man race isn’t a fun thing to watch, so baseball needed a second fiddle; a foil for McGwire. So they held a lottery. They had 50 of baseballs brightest and most fan-pleasing stars put their names in a hat, and Sosa’s was the one drawn out. For the entire winter before the 1998 season, Sosa was pumped full of enough Whisterol to make him win the Kentucky Derby, and baseball never looked back.

NHL attendance is at an all time low as players have even stopped showing up.

3. Gary Bettman only remains as the commissioner of the NHL because the league is paid a high sum of money by the 3 other leagues to make their commissioners look less inept by comparison

The Patsy. The Fall Guy. That security measure that members of organized crime rely on almost 100% of the time. It seems to me that Gary Bettman fits the bill perfectly. Look around at the other major sports leagues in good ole USA. We have cheating in the NFL and the commissioner is spending his resources and time making sure the next Linebacker that steals a Jelly donut from the Circle K doesn’t ruin the league reputation. In the NBA the Referees are defiantly betting on their games and might even be setting up the match-ups to maximize profits for the league. Meanwhile, back at Commissioner Stern’s lair…I mean, office he has all the players dressing in coat and the WNBA has just kicked off its twelfth season. Bud Selig has allowed performance enhancing drugs take the MLB to higher and higher profits then flipped over and condemned the players by having Former Senator Mitchell investigate and report names of suspected users to the media in one of the worse rat moves in the history of American business. Yet I have one thought when these three bonehead their way into the headlines, At least their better than Bettman. As long as Gary keeps the NHL in this slow descending downward spiral, Roger, David and Bud can sleep well, knowing they aren’t the worst commish out there.

“Okay Barry, remember what we talked about. I pay you gobs and gobs of money and you tank for the next 7 years.”

4. Brian Sabean is actually on the Dodgers payroll and that’s why he makes stupid move after stupid move for the Giants

If it weren’t for Barry Bonds bailing him out every year, Brian Sabean would have been fired long ago. I can only figure that he’s getting paid under the table by San Francisco’s NL West rival, the Los Angeles Dodgers. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Lets start with the trade that wins the Hindsight Award for most obvious mistake of an MLB transaction this millennium: Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser for one season worth of AJ Pierzynski. The mere mention of that trade is enough to send most Giants fans into a Rain Man-esque mumbling fit. But there’s plenty more. Perhaps you heard about the free agent signing of Barry Zito last off season. That’s gone over like a fart in church. Sabean also has an affinity for players that are between the ages of 35 and 40 years old. Here’s a list of old guys on the San Francisco roster from the last three years and their age when they were employed by Sabean: Keiichi Yabu (39 yrs old), Rich Aurilia (36), Ray “Glass” Durham (36), Omar Vizquel (41), Randy Winn (34), Armando Benitez (35), Steve Kline (35), Ryan Klesko (36), Mark Sweeney (38), Barry Bonds (43), Dave Roberts (36), and Jeff Fasero (43), Mike Stanton (39), Tim Worrell (39), Mike Matheny (36), Jose Vizcaino (38), Moises Alou (40), and Steve Finley (41). Maybe that’s why Sabean hired Felipe Alou at the age of 68. So that he could teach them the ways of living on Social Security. Sabean’s farm teams have produced very little talent that has benefited San Francisco. The best position player to come up through the team’s system is Pedro Feliz.

There are three players that Sabean acquired during his tenure that have kept him from getting fired, in my opinion. Jeff Kent (who he traded for), Matt Cain, and Tim Lincecum (who came up through the farm system). That’s it. Everything else was Barry Bonds and the Pips. Did Tommy Lasorda save Brian Sabean’s life years ago and now he owes him a life debt? Something is up.

“I don’t suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?”

5. Sam Cassell is allowed to play in the NBA even though he’s quite obviously an alien

If Men in Black taught us anything it was that Will Smith could sample (read: plagiarize) anything and make a hit song out of something that was already a hit song. But it also taught us that aliens are everywhere. What I never understood was why a super secret government agency who erases the memory of anyone they come in contact with could allow 2 movies to be made about their operations, but I digress. I am not surprised that aliens live among us, but I am shocked that the NBA would allow these guys to make millions off us when we have no idea how their alien body helps them play the game. Cassell is a pretty good basketball player, but he might just be average for an alien. What if he’s just below average and has risen to this status as a professional athlete? Aliens are probably lining up to take over based on the fact that Cassell has now captured yet another championship….And I, for one, would like to welcome our new overlords and remind them that as a trusted internet personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

“No no no, after YOU!”

6. The 2006 Rose Bowl was fixed

What may be most surprising about this entry is that it is NOT written by either of the two USC grads who write for this site, but by the lone UCLA grad. I remember watching this game and being absolutely dumbfounded as to how Vince Young was running rampant over the best team in college football. I remember plays where ‘SC defenders were just stopping before tackling VY. Not getting juked or missing, but just stopping. It was unbelievable. I remember screaming at anybody that would listen in the room about the fix being in, but no one wanted to hear about it. Looks like the BCS got to them as well…

“Boom!  Tough actin’ Tinactin!”

7. The Madden Cover “Curse” isn’t actually a curse

I still am not convinced that the Madden Curse is what we think it is.  What if the guys over at EA were actually choosing the most likely player to have a dramatic drop for the cover every year? Hmm?  Think about it.

• Dorsey Levens, 2000: Levens had his best year as a pro in 1997.  He ruined his knee in 1998, had a mediocre 1000 yard season in 1999 and then EA put him on the cover for the 2000 season.  Is it really a shock that he didn’t do well from then on?
• Eddie George, 2001: I know this one is hard to debunk.  But go with on this one for a second.  George had his best season by over 200 yards and 5 TDs the year before.  But he’d also averaged almost 6 fumbles a season for the three previous years.  So he was primed for a drop back to earth.  The year of the cover he rushed for nearly 950 yards and fumbled 8 times.  In the two years following that season he came back to average 1100 yards and 8 TDs.  That doesn’t seem too cursed to me.
• Daunte Culpepper, 2002: You just can’t trust a guy with small hands.
• Marshall Faulk, 2003: At this point in his career, Faulk had been averaging nearly 350 touches a season for five straight years.  That’s a lot of action.  In the 2002 season when he got injured, he was on pace for about 450 touches.  Mike Martz was not afraid to ride the fella, which bodes well for Frank Gore and his two surgically repaired knees.  When you look at the numbers like that, it’s not too surprising that Faulk finally broke down in the 2002 season.
• Michael Vick, 2004: Everyone was so enamored with the fact that Vick had beat the Packers in Lambeau in the playoffs the year before that they forgot how insane it is to have a starting quarterback flit around like a running back on coke for 16-20 games a season.  The fact that Vick didn’t get hurt earlier than that 2003 preseason game is the only thing that surprises me about his situation.  The dog fighting: not a surprise.
• Ray Lewis, 2005: Dude had comparable tackle numbers as the previous year.  So what if he didn’t have any interceptions in the “curse” year.  Don’t you think that maybe the teams learned from the previous year when he had six picks and chose not to throw in his direction anymore?  If I were a coach, I would do my best to keep the ball away from that guy.
• Donovan McNabb, 2006: See above Vick, Michael.  Disregard the dogfighting comment.
• Shaun Alexander, 2007: If there was ever a player set to have a let down year it was Mr. Alexander following his MVP season.  He was running behind Steve Hutchinson for five straight years.  The year before Hutch was blocking for Alexander, he ran for 313 yards and two TDs.  He then averaged 1500 yards and 17.4 TDs for five years behind Hutchinson.  When Seattle lost him to Minnesota, it was pretty obvious that Alexander was going to suffer.  Now we know that the true MVP of 2005-2006 season should have been Steve Hutchinson.
• Vince Young, 2008: This guy is a Mike Vick corollary waiting to happen.  The thing is, his numbers may have suffered a bit in his cover season.  But his team did much better as he drove them to the playoffs.  Take that curse!

“Someone kill me… please!”

8. Elgin Baylor sold his soul to the devil to be a great player

At this point we’ve all watched enough TV and movies to know how deals with the devil work. He grants you the innermost desires of your heart, but there’s always a catch. Usually a big one, which completely turns the tables and essentially leaves you in your own private hell, contemplating your misguided attempt at success for eternity. Like giving you control of all the world’s oil, only to find out that night that they’ve figured out how to make all vehicles run on salt water. This is Elgin Baylor’s story, who lives to regret his pact with The Lord of Darkness. His wish was to become to a great player, which came true, but he never got the respect he deserved in his era or now. Now he’s been cast off to the 8th Circle of Hell (AKA The Clippers Front Office) to toil fruitlessly in a never-ending cycle of mediocrity.