Pyle of List

I know it’s a bit late, but give me a break, I was on the east coast for a week. I know, another blogger taking an extravagant trip on the internet’s dime. Well, deal with it.

But none of that really matters, because my boy CLAYTON KERSHAW!1! made his first appearance at the major league level. Hoo doggie! This boy is gonna be the best pitcher, like, evar! If we had a formal dance at this site, I would invite KERSHAW!1! and his tie would match my dress perfectly. Perfectly!

I mean, what else would you expect from a six inning, two run (on only five hits) debut? And this kid is only 20! What I don’t get is why there isn’t more fuss about this kid. I mean, Lebron James was billed as the second coming of Christ-al Jordan, and marketed to the moon. Why isn’t baseball taking advantage of this kid that they might as well slap a number 32, the way he’s being compared to Koufax? I guess it’s because there have just been too many flame outs in top prospects over the years (see: Ankiel, Rick). Or maybe it’s just because amazing curve balls just aren’t as cool as slam dunks.

Oh crap! I just realized what it is: no nickname! Every superstar from every sport has always had a harsh nickname that was synonymous with his real name.His Airness, The Great One, The Intimidator. That’s all my boy KERSHAW!1! needs. So here are my five suggestions, feel free to vote or add your own in the comments.

1. The Predator - Because The Predator is fucking sweet, and doesn’t take any names while he’s kicking ass, because that would distract from the ass kicking. Plus, being a really good pitcher is probably as close to having a shoulder cannon as we humans are going to get. Thing announcers can say after strike out: “He didn’t disappear. He was skinned alive!”

2. Clay Face -  So this is pretty much the only villain I could think of that also played on KERSHAW!1!’s first name. But he’s a pretty mean dude, who can totally change shapes as drastically as KERSHAW!1! can change speeds. Thing announcers can say after strike out:”Time to end it, one way or the other, Batman!”

3. Uncle Charles - The curveball is often referred to as ‘uncle charlie’, and since KERSHAW!1!’s is the best, his should be a little more dignified. Also, changing it to ‘Charles’ allows anyone that strikes out against KERSHAW!1! to be forever referred to as “Lembecks”. Thing announcers can say after strike out:”Charles in Charge!”

4. Shawshank Redemption - Another pun on his name, this might be better served as the name of his curveball (although Scully’s “public enemy #1″ is pretty freakin’ sweet too). This name just lets you know that there will no escape, unless you want to tunnel for 15 years and army crawl through miles of human fecal matter. Thing announcers can say after strike out:”  Welcome to Shawshank!” (Editor’s note: “Get busy living, or get busy dying!” would also be acceptable.)

5. Lone Star - Get it? See, it’s cuz he’s from Texas.  It was either this or “Cowboy” but then it just sounds like he dances at The Snake Pit in West Hollywood. Not that he couldn’t, because KERSHAW!1! is in fact a very attractive man, but it would distract from his taking over of the world via curveballs to the heads of all the leaders of the world. Oh dear, I’ve said too much…  Thing announcers can say after strike out:”Bring him some water? Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto-Bismol!”