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Welcome to Week 2 of Blogfrica’s #1 reality series. Not only do we have some interesting character pieces from our contestants, we have a guest judge! We’re joined by Rob Iracane, Deadspin Commenting Guru and co-editor of Walk-off Walk. He serves as the gatekeeper for commenting privileges on the most famous sports blog on Earth, so if anyone knows about judging up and coming talent in Blogfrica, it’s him. And unlike most guest judges on reality shows, he’s not pussy-footing around.

This week, the challenge was to write a character piece (ala Sex Cannon) for anyone in the world of sports. This is what they came up with:

#1 Frank Nevarez
A Post-Draft Chat with Bill Belichick

I caught up with Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick following the NFL draft this past weekend. He started out strangely talkative.

Frank (FN): Bill, were you happy with your draft choices? I see you went after linebackers and cornerbacks. A lot of your players, like Seau and Bruschi, are getting a little old.

Bill Belichick (BB): Yeah, we looked at where we needed to start reloading. Our scouts have also taken a look at older players whom we might bring in, players who can still contribute.

FN: Who you thinking about?

BB: We think Ray Nitsche still has a few good miles in him. And we’re gonna try to convert this kid Frank Gifford to corner.

FN: Who do you think did better with their draft: Eric Mangini and the Jets or Bill Parcells’ Miami Dolphins?

BB: I don’t really bother with others teams’ picks. But I want to go on the record and say I do wish the Jets have a season just like I had in my last season.

FN: You mean 16 and 0 for the regular season- plus a Super Bowl appearance? Wow, that’s big of you.

BB: Not THAT last season. I mean 5 and 11 like my last season I had with the Cleveland Browns.

FN: Did you consider bringing in Pacman Jones?

BB: We seriously thought about it. We have a lot of high character guys in the locker room. We think they could’ve kept him in line. Still, if we were to bring in Pacman we were ready to take special precautions and we already had an expert hired to shadow and baby-sit him. (Bill handed me this photo)

FN: Are you over the bitter loss to the Giants in the Super Bowl?

BB: On that crazy miracle catch I’m convinced that David Tyree had invisible, illegal stickum on his hands and helmet.

FN: That’s kind of ironic, don’t you think. You’re calling him cheater.

BB: Whoa, whoa. I know what you’re thinking. I don’t consider myself a cheater –AND I harbor no ill feelings towards Matt Walsh. In fact, he and I are going in business together. We’re gonna market “The Belicam” secret surveillance device through Sharper Image. It’s going to be on the shelves right next to Jose Conseco’s book and Michael Vick doggie chew toys.

FN: Bill, one more time: how did you deal with that crushing Super Bowl defeat?

BB: After a great big flop, after a tremendous blow to the ego one has to lift off again like a phoenix rising.

FN: So, the Super Bowl loss doesn’t bother you?

BB: Loss? What? No, no – I was trying out my pitch for the Viagra commercial I’m thinking of doing.

FN: A developer in LA recently announced that he’s going to build a new, state-of-the-art NFL stadium in southern California. What do you think of the prospect of pro football returning to Los Angeles?

BB: I think when we come to play in LA that we’ll fit right in. Randy Moss is a megastar, Tom Brady dates models, and I, of course, am well known for my hip, LA fashion sense

(Photo from ESPN)
FN: During the play-offs there was speculation that you might leave the Patriots after a successful season, that you knew they were about to begin a downhill slide and that you wouldn’t want to be around.

BB: What? Who do you think I am? Pat Riley?

With that comment Bill exited. I put out my hand for a shake, but he just grimaced and walked away. Stay tuned for more post-draft coverage. I speak next with Chris Berman. He gave me a nickname and a wedgie. And he asked if I had tried chili cheese fries at the ESPNzone.

Lunchbox: This doesn’t really seem like the “voice” of Bill Belichick. It sounds more like a distracted teenage girl on the phone. I liked the dig on grease ball Pat Riley though.

JP: Tough challenge, but this didn’t have much to draw the reader in. I think you did a good job of trying to create a character, but went in too many different directions with it for a short piece.

DLamp: Boo. Boo! This isn’t a character at all. There are no consistent mannerisms or speech patterns, no hyperbole’s of real life. It’s just you trying to dig at Belichick, and not doing a great job of it.

Rob Iracane: This is scattershot. You’re taking too many different angles on Belichick and mashing them all together into one piece of humor…I see a Spygate joke, a grey hoodie joke, a Pacman Jones joke. Instead of some unwieldy mess of jokes, it would have been better to focus on one source of Belichick funny and running with it. Also, the spelling mistakes don’t make me happy. Who is Jose Conseco?

#2 Philguard
“Are you kidding!?!”

(inside a dark SUV on a bright spring afternoon Josh Howard answers his cell)

Josh: I thought it went well, man.

Mark Cuban: Really. You thought when I asked you to clear up this weed business from the Morning News story, I meant this.

Josh: I told the truth, right. At least some of it.

Mark: What’s that mean?

Josh: Look, like I said, it’s no shocking stuff, NBA players smoke out. Now, if I was to tell folks how an NBA owner takes the edge off…

Mark: I think that would be a terrible idea, Josh. And you’ve got guts to bring that up right now…

Josh: I’m just saying, don’t be goin’ all big white boss on me right now, the seasons almost over, man. I’m looking forward to coming back out for your usual Tuesday nights.

Mark: I don’t think that’s gonna happen now. How are we gonna be able to get Nash, Dirk, me, you and JET together every week to smoke and respond to my e-mails without Avery getting suspicious.

Josh: Avery’s cool. I don’t know why you guys think he’d be so weird about it.

Mark: We never told you about him asking all the players to participate in an intervention for Nellie, huh?

Josh: No….well, maybe, but you know…I don’t remember.

Mark: Right after he came in with Van Exel from Denver. He sat all the players down before Nellie got in for practice one day. He asked everyone to help him talk Nellie into coaching sober from then on.

Josh: Why? Nellie’s cool when he coaches his way. I mean, when he’s sober he’s kinda boring but get him lit and he makes diagramming plays at timeouts interesting.

Mark: That’s why I started hanging out at the bench during time outs. Once he started drawing up a play and ended up drawing a rabbit on the board. When he finished everybody just kinda stared at him for a minute, he throws down the board and starts yelling, “let’s go, get movin’”.
Any case, AJ, approaches him that day at the end of practice and tells him that the team has talked it over and wants him to stop drinking before the games.

Josh: I can’t believe you never told me about this. What did Nellie do?

Mark: He looked at AJ for a minute and said, “Avery, my drinking has nothing to do with whether this team succeeds or fails. That’s all on the 6 guys on the court at any given time.” And just turned around and walked away.

Josh: Six?

Mark: Yep.

Josh: He was messing with AJ right?

Mark: I think so…never really asked. Anyway, Avery is a buzz kill. If he knows about our little group he’d freak and you goin’ on the radio and telling everybody how much you like smoke is going to catch his attention.

Josh: So, what did I say that was wrong? Is smoking during the off-season when it doesn’t affect my job so bad?

Mark: You know I don’t think it is…but come on…do you honestly expect Stern to allow that. You said some players need it all the time. This man makes you dress up to sit on the bench when you’re injured. I don’t know why he still let’s me get away with jeans and t-shirts at the games. Anyway, I need you to come in about 2 hours early. I need you to sit down with someone and talk.

Josh: Another swipe at clearing this up with the media?

Mark: No, this is someone I think you need to listen to. Hey, I got to go…Stern’s calling on the other line. Thanks for that.

(Later that day at the Mavs facility)

Josh: Alright, what’s the deal…where is this guy?

Mark: In the conference room. Look, just sit and talk to him for a few minutes.

Josh: What is he some kind of councilor or something.

Mark: Not exactly, he’s more of a cautionary tale.

Josh: What?

Mark: Just listen to him for a few minutes and realize what you can easily become if you don’t give this weed stuff a rest.

Josh: I’m not stopping my smoking, man.

Mark: That’s not what this guy is a warning against. I’m the last person to tell you to stop smoking just that you cannot be as vocal about it. That’s the major issue with this guy. At least that’s how it started.

Josh: Alright, I’ll go see what the deal is.

(As Josh walks down the hall he wonders what waits for him. He arrives at the door and swings it open to find….)

“Man It is so good to meet you, man. Keep fighting the good fight man…”

Lunchbox: Umm, I laughed at the picture of Nellie’s belly…

JP: I thought it was pretty humorous, but the premise outweighs the actual jokes. The big thing missing from this are bold choices. You laid the groundwork, but could’ve taken Cuban up a notch or two to make it stronger.

DLamp: Agree with JP. Funny, but it’s like you didn’t want to take the risk of going over the top with it, and played it too safe. The reason these are so great on sites such as Kissing Suzy Kolber is because they take one little thing the person does or says, and blow it completely out of proportion like it is the only thing about them. Favorite line: “don’t be goin’ all big white boss on me right now”.

Rob Iracane:Probably my favorite among these entries, but that’s not saying much. This was a tough assignment; not unlike asking contestants on Top Chef to make a gourmet meal featuring scrapple as the main ingredient. I like the idea of Mark Cuban staging an intervention for Josh Howard; it’s relevant, current, and clever. The Don Nelson joke about ’six men on the court’ was the only thing that made me guffaw of all the pieces. Still, it needs work because people just don’t talk like this. Writing conversation is hard, y’all.

#3 JD LeCoq
Roger Clemens has been in the news lately and not always for good things. Let’s see what he has to say about the whole deal.

J.D.: A lot of bad press here lately Roger. What do you say to everyone?

Roger: You know. I just play hard and work hard. I let my stats do the talking.

J.D.: Talking about stats……..Mindy McCready’s ain’t all that bad.

Roger: And you should have seen her when she was 15…….uh, I mean 18. She had a nice little tush!!

J.D.: So there is some truth to the affair you and her had.

Roger: Now, hold on. It’s a long way from looking at a tushy to doing a little pushy!!

J.D.: The word steroids is synonymous with your name now. How does that affect you?

Roger: Well, I know I did not use them and that’s all I’m going to say.

J.D.: The rumor is that your wife used them also.

Roger: Well, have you see her ass lately?

J.D.: Mike Piazza. When you hear that name what do you think?

Roger: One big wuss. I knew he wouldn’t do anything if I threw at him.

J.D.: Your Hall of Fame election was once a lock, now it could be in doubt.

Roger: I am not really worried about the baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. The Texas Hall of Fame is bigger and more important to me.

J.D: Many say you have a certain swagger about you, especially when you walk.

Roger: Well, down in Texas we call that walking! Thanks President Bush for saying that. I stole it from him.

J.D.: Your son’s are probably going to try and follow in your footsteps. In their eyes who do they look to in planning to make it big time with.

Roger: Miley Cyrus………..old Hannah Montana.

J.D.: I mean in baseball.

Roger: I sure hope it’s not that Barry Bonds. He’s caused enough trouble for all of us already.

J.D.: Your career has been so great. Anything you had your eye on that you did not get.

Roger: Trisha Yearwood!!

Lunchbox: JD, are you from Texas? If you are, I’m ashamed. If not, Rogers Clemens wasn’t a good choice for you. There wasn’t a single “y’all” or a “gonna”. No mention of kolaches or queso. You chose one of the best characters to have fun with, and you made him sound like Dilbert.

JP:I found this to be funny. I think the one-liners for Clemens were pretty good, particularly the line he stole from President Bush. It doesn’t really have a story arc, but the jokes were funny enough that I didn’t mind. And it was short, which is always a plus.

DLamp: It feels like you left this on my voicemail, because it was clearly phoned in. Now, let me check…yep. That’s a burn. If you want to go with Clemens the Texan, then grossly exaggerate that angle.

Rob Iracane:This was short and unfunnny and it seems as if it was put together in eight seconds. I prefer blog entries that seem as if they were put together in eight minutes. If there were jokes in here, I missed the punchlines. Again, people don’t talk like this, not even Cro-Magnons like Roger Clemens.

#4 Mako McCain
George Steinbrenner and The Devil meet for lunch at Da Nico’s on Mulberry

On an otherwise unassuming Sunday mid-afternoon, George Steinbrenner strolls into Da Nico’s Ristorante in Little Italy. He takes off his overcoat and gives it to the host. After a few obligatory nods and handshakes with the patrons, Steinbrenner makes his way towards the back of the joint where the Devil, dressed appropriately in his white suit with blue pinstripes, is sitting in a dim lit booth already waiting for him. Upon seeing the Yankee’s chairman, the Devil smiles and holds out his hand.

Steinbrenner pauses for a second, and then bows down to kiss the polished ruby that glows from the golden ring on the Devil’s middle finger.

“It’s been a long time, Georgie,” the Devil says.

“You’re tellin’ me?” Steinbrenner replies as he takes his seat across from the Devil, “Nice suit, by the way,” he mutters.

The Devil looks down and rubs his lapel between his fingers, admiring the pick-stitch of his own attire. He smiles, “Thank you, Georgie. The Mrs. gave it to me back in ’04…”

Steinbrenner pauses, deliberating to himself whether or not to ask about the “Mrs.”, but decides instead to let the thought hang in the air for a moment and then disappear forever in the awkward silence.

“So, what’s good here?” He picks up the menu.

“Try their veal. It’s to die for! I just love the taste of veal,” the Devil says setting the menu down to be taken up by the waiter, who approaches at the Devil’s beckoning.

“Could we get two of the Veal Chop Capricciosa?” the Devil orders before Steinbrenner can even speak for himself.

“…and a bottle of the Amarone Tommasi?”

Steinbrenner shrugs helplessly and hands the waiter his menu, “I guess we’re good.”

The waiter leaves.

“So, tell me, Georgie, how’ve you been?”

“You’d know if you’d answer my calls once in a while,” Steinbrenner retorts, but stops himself short upon realizing the tone of frustration in his voice.

He gathers himself.

“I’m sorry, sir…I’m just saying, I’ve been calling you for about three weeks now and no answer…things haven’t been going so good.”

“I can see that.” the Devil says with a slight note of sarcasm.

“I just thought…I thought we had a deal?” Steinbrenner is trying not to sound desperate. He fails. “I mean, look at us!?! 14 and 13? One game over .500 !?! This isn’t exactly comfortable, if you know what I mean…I gotta lotta money on this year!”

Steinbrenner hesitates. The Devil folds his hands and strokes his chin hairs between his thumbs.

Steinbrenner continues, “We got A-Rod out! Posada’s on the DL? He’s never on the DL! God, we’ve been on the road for weeks, falling apart…the Royals, sir? Seriously? The Royals? And God only knows what Clemens is doing?”

The Devil tries to calm the distressed owner, “Georgie, Georgie, relax. I got it taken care of. Remember, it was YOU that switched everything up. You made the changes. Remember?”

“You talkin’ about Joe?” Steinbrenner asks.

“…and the boys,” the Devil adds. “By the way, how are Hank and Hal? Have you told them about our little agreement?”

“No, no…no…they don’t know anything, sir. Nothing.” Steinbrenner quickly replies. “You have to understand, though, I had to do it, sir. We’ve gotten nothing for eight years, sir…I thought we had a deal?”

The waiter serves the veal. Steinbrenner and the Devil halt their discussion while the waiter uncorks the wine bottle. He lowers the bottle to the Devil’s nose. He sniffs. The Devil gives a subtle nod and the waiter pours two glasses for both of them. The waiter leaves and the conversation continues…

“Listen, Georgie, I gave you what you wanted. Is six titles not enough? I don’t know if I like the tone of your voice right now, Georgie…careful with your demands,” the Devil says while cutting up his veal. He takes a bite.

“I’m sorry, sir, I’m really sorry.”

“What is it that you want, Georgie? I’ll give you more money, that’s not a problem, you know. I’ll give you Manny, if that’s what you want. I gave you Damon, remember? Hell, I can get you Manny by 3 ‘o’ clock this afternoon…and Hernandez. Is that what you want, Georgie?”

The Devil takes a sip of his wine, wipes his mouth, and then neatly places his napkin back on his lap before he proceeds in devouring his veal.

Steinbrenner, who hasn’t eaten a bite yet, slowly sips his wine, apparently deep in thought at the offer.

The Devil lets Georgie consider his proposal.

Steinbrenner sets his glass down and rubs his temples.

“That’s just it, though, sir…I just…you know, it’s not enough. I want more…”

“More what?” the Devil asks with a renewed interest.

“More…more power,” Steinbrenner looks at the Devil with a countenance of pure evil.

The Devil sits back, wipes off his hands, and smiles.

“Funny you should mention it. I’ve already got something for you, Georgie. I’ve already got something for you.”

Steinbrenner can’t contain himself, “What? What’ve you got?”

The Devil leans in closer and motions for Steinbrenner to do the same.

“You ever considered going into politics?” he asks quietly.

“Politics? What the…? Politics!?!” Steinbrenner scoffs, confused but still curious. “I was hoping you were gonna get me Vince McMahon’s job?”

Steinbrenner pauses, then continues…

“No! God, no! Well, I guess once I thought about politics. You remember, back in ’74…speaking of which, how is ol’ Dick Nixon?”

The Devil smiles again, “Oh, Dick’s good, he’s good…we got him managing the Vietnamese bowling team. He’s doing well enough.”

The Devil sips his wine and continues, “Well listen, let’s stick to business. I’ve got this deal for you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Here’s what I got. I’ve ousted this Spitzer fella to make good on a favor for some young broad outta Jersey, which leaves the Governor’s seat in this state wide open. I’ll take care of Paterson. The whole thing’s set up perfect. I just need to know if you’re in?” says the Devil.

“What’ll it cost me?”

“The souls of your sons, Hank and Hal.”

“Deal.” Steinbrenner says without hesitation. “But I want more.”

“Oh, I see…you’re a man after my own heart, Georgie. That’s what you are. Tell you what I can do…”

(he leans in closer)

“I can make you the President of the United States,” the Devil says, knowing he’s got Steinbrenner hooked, “…for the souls of your daughters.”

Faced with a hard bargain, Steinbrenner sits back, pinches the bridge of his nose at the weight of the deal. He looks back at the Devil who is finishing off his veal.

After a moment, he speaks up.

“What’s my guarantee?” he asks. “How do I know you’re gonna make good on this one this time, sir?”

The Devil finishes his veal and washes it down with the last sip of wine.

As he refills their glasses, he grins and assures Steinbrenner, “Because I’ve done this before…many, many times. In fact, I did this kind of deal just a few years back…back in ‘89, I think. Some Ivy League guy…he was an oil man.”

“Ok, I’m in. But what will happen to the Yankees?” Steinbrenner asks.

The waiter brings the check. The Devil slides it over to Georgie.

“You follow the Texas Rangers?”

Lunchbox: The flow was better than the rest and I liked the punchline at the end. I think this would have been better about 3-4 years ago when George was still a semblance of a tyrant. Maybe it should have been Hank following up on his dad’s 15 year old deal with the devil.

JP: Very detailed and stylistic. It flowed well and was easy to read, despite lacking a quantity of jokes… which I thought was OK. This wasn’t an ROTFLOL piece, or even a LOL piece, it was more a grin piece. Overall, enjoyable and pleasant.

DLamp: Too long. Trim the fat on this baby and you might have something there. Great ending, though. Lunchbox makes a good point that this isn’t really relevant, and I just wanted to emphasize it.
Rob Iracane:Hey, it sounds like someone took a creative writing class in 8th grade! Take that as a compliment because most of the content in the sportsblogosphere is on a 3rd grade writing level at best. I’m not sure this fits the classification of a ‘character piece’ either but the story entertained me and I enjoyed the descriptive angle that you took. Still, the concept is dated. The popular parody of Steinbrenner is that of a decrepit old man who dodders around in his bathrobe and falls asleep in his oatmeal, not a man out on the town with Beezelbub selling off the souls of his children. I liked the ending though.

#5 David Hartman
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY ABILITY TO WIN? I KNOW I LEFT IT HERE SOMEWHERE?

OAKLAND POLICE HEADQUARTERS, WINTER 2006

Detective: OK, which one was it, Mr. Zito? Which one of them wrote “Pretty Boy” on your car?

Barry Zito: I’m not sure. It was dark. All I could see was a mustache. And then when I told them to stop, they yelled at me.

Detective: Alright, I’ll have them read the card. (Detective speaks into intercom) Mr. Eckersley, please step forward and read the card.

Dennis Eckersley: ‘Nice hair, pansy. Why don’t you try and grow a mustache like a real man’.

Detective: Anything?

Zito: No. You know, I don’t really think Dennis Eckersley has any right to make fun of someone’s hair.

Detective: OK, Mr. Fingers, Mr. Hunter, please step forward and read the card. You first, Rollie.

(Rollie Fingers reads the card, then Catfish Hunter reads.)

Detective: How about that, Mr. Zito.

Zito: Nope

Detective: OK, Mr. Henderson, you’re next.

Ricky Henderson: This is bullshit. Ricky doesn’t need to be here. Ricky didn’t make fun of that pansy’s hair. People are always messing with Ricky. This is ridiculous-

Hunter: Ridiculous? I’ve been dead for 7 years! I don’t even know why the hell I’m here. How’s that for ‘ridiculous’?

Ricky Henderson: Ricky hasn’t done anything wrong.

(Ricky Henderson steps in front of the two-way mirror and begins practicing his swing.)

Detective: Well, Mr. Zito, I don’t know what to tell you. If all you can remember is a mustache, then I can’t really help you.

Zito: This sucks. I’m going to San Francisco, they’ll give me more many there.

Detective: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s a good idea, I’m sure you’ll do better there.

Zito: Why did you say it like that?

Detective: Like how?

Zito: You said it really sarcastically. Why did you say it like that? You don’t think I could do even better in San Francisco.

Detective: No, no, I do. I said ‘I’m sure you’ll do better there’. You’ll probably go over there and totally kick ass, and not suck so bad that you get demoted to the bullpen. I’m sure you’ll do fine.

Zito: OK, whatever. I’m leaving. I’m calling Boras right now and I’m heading across the bridge.

Fingers: Yeah, go ahead. Go to San Francisco. That’ll somehow make you less of a pansy.

Detective: Hmm… that’s weird. They shouldn’t be able to hear us.

Zito: I’m out of here.

Detective: OK. And for God’s sake, cut your hair, pansy.

(Zito scoffs and then walks out.)

Detective: Mr. Zito! Wait, Mr. Zito! You forgot your talent!

Lunchbox: I like Ricky’s third person preening. But if you’re going to call Zito a pansy you need to throw in something about his guitar-playing, birkenstock-wearing, hippie boy attitude.

JP: The detective’s “they shouldn’t be able to hear us” joke literally made me laugh out loud at work. I think it sounded like one of those random, understated lines from an early Simpsons episode because it was timed well. I think you made the most inspired choices this round, even though the piece really didn’t make sense as a story and the ending left a lot to be desired. Could’ve used some more Eck.

DLamp: My favorite so far, because the Eck and Ricky jokes really had me going. The only way it could have been better is if he tore off all his clothes so he could look at his physique while swinging in the mirror. “Ricky’s looking ripped today!”

Rob Iracane:Sounds like someone is a sad Bay Area baseball fan. It’s really hard to write good satire about something you love because it either comes off bitter or glowing. The concept is weird, too. I don’t understand why you dug up Catfish Hunter’s corpse to make a joke that has nothing to do with Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

#6 JD Butter
In The Office with Joe Torre

Joe: Alright, everybody, alright, quiet down for a minute. Now that we’ve gotten back to .500, I want everyone to start thinking about being 5 over .500 as a goal, and then we’ll take it from there. In the meantime, I want to see a few of you team leaders in my office, one at a time. I’ll call you in individually.

Joe: RUSSELL!! Come in here.

(Russell Martin comes in, closes the door, sits down, and listens intently to Torre)

Joe: Russ, nice job tonight. You’re really coming around with the bat. But listen, with Andy LaRoche still on his rehab assignment, and Nomar being. . .well, Nomar, I might need you to do a few innings tomorrow at third AND behind the dish. Thanks.

Russell: You mean during warmups?

Joe: No, during the game, you know, you’ll be playing both positions at once. And OH, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that we definitely won’t need you to catch 150 games this season. I mean 148 or 149 should be fine. Is that OK?

Russell: I’m fine with the games, but about this third and catcher at once thing. . .

Joe: Yeah, I know, we really stink. Hey, send in Nomar on your way out. Thanks.

(Nomar Garciaparra comes in jovially, and sits down, but then. . .)

Nomar: AAAHHHHH!! OW, OW, OW!!! Awww, jeez, skip, I think I just tweaked something sitting down!! Oh wow, it’s pretty bad. I’m a gamer and everything. . . that’s what Mia always tells me to say, but dang, this really stings.

Joe: OK, ummmm. . . .well, why don’t you go see the trainer. We can talk later. Send in Jeff on your way out.

(Jeff Kent enters in a huff, but barely takes his eyes off of his BMX magazine as he sits down.)

Kent: You know we haven’t done a doggone thing, right? I mean I have, but the rest of the guys are scuffling. Playing .500 ball means nothing. And what’s the deal on the young guys? I just don’t like the way the sit in the corner of the clubhouse and giggle. I think you should have them run out even a line drive comebacker to the pitcher. Still make ‘em run all the way to first base or they get fined You should really try that. Hey, skip, do you think I seemed gruff enough on the field tonight? I mean, I really need to come off like all my love for the game has been completely drained out of me, because that’ll show everyone I take the game seriously.

Joe: Uhhhhh, you know what, why don’t we pick this up later. You seem really engrossed in that article about tubular forks. Send in Andruw on your way out.

(Andruw Jones enters the doorway, but stops. . . )

Joe: Turn sideways, babe. . . . .there you go. Look, Drew, we know what you can do, you need to stop pressing.

Jones: I’m not fat.

Joe: Nobody’s saying you’re fat, Drew, except the press, the fans, and the other players around the league, but they are all wrong. Would I like you to be 20 pounds lighter? Sure, but what’s that the kids say on the Myspace these days, there’s “more to love.”

Jones: I’m strong.

Joe: I know you are, babe. I can TELL you’re strong, because when you swing and miss severalteen times a game, we really feel the breeze all the way in the dugout. So you’re definitely taking some nice rips. We would just like you to focus on actually trying to hit the ball. Just take it back to how it was when you were in t-ball.

Jones: Will they set up a tee? Because I could really. .

Joe: No, Drew, they will not set up a tee. Just relax, and do what you you are capable of. And remember, you don’t have to feel like if you have a bad at-bat, that you’re gonna get pulled from the lineup or something. I mean our alternative is Pierre for pete’s sake! Hey, thanks for dropping by Drew. Send in Rafi on your way out, wouldja.

(Rafael Furcal enters and plops down comfortably)

Joe: Way to be out ther, Rafi, way to be. You’re really setting the table for us.

Furcal: Yeah, and it’s a darn shame for all this good food to go to waste.

Joe: We’re gonna bring it around Rafi. Believe me, we’re going to be right in the middle of the pack, right where our talent deserves. Now, Arizona will be 13 games ahead of everyone in the pack, but this isn’t a two team race. We’re not trying to compare ourselves to Arizona. We’re just trying to get to a point where we’re playing well before we get 10 games back. We used to do that with the Yankees, you know. We’d start off slow some seasons, play around, be kind of bored, talk to reporters about how we’re not panicking, that sort of thing. I had just assumed that’s what we were doing here. Is that NOT what we’re doing?

Furcal: Skip, have you been familiar at all with this organization the last few years?

Joe: Well, no, I said coming in that I really didn’t know much about the current state of the organization. I was just thinking that everything would, what do they say on the world wide internet, come online circa June, and we’d turn it on.

Rafi: If that’s all, skip, I’m gonna go, but here, you should have this. It’s a copy of our roster. Who should I send in?

Joe: Send in Larry.

(Joe puts on his reading classes and peruses the roster. Larry Bowa then enters energetically.)

Larry: What the hell have these dumb kids gotten into this time?!!?

Joe: Calm down, Larry.

Larry: Don’t you tell me to calm down, I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!!

Joe: Larry, will you shut up for a second! Listen, I was just looking over our roster, and it really stinks. No, I’m serious, it smells like a landfill, my friend. I don’t think we’re going to win anything this season.

Larry: Well, DUH!! I just though you wanted to come out here because you thought you might be able to get back together with Doris Day.

Joe: Will you stop clowning, this is serious! You better figure out a way to get Kemp playing like a young Eric Davis, turn Loney into a perennial batting champion, Billingsley into the second coming of Josh Beckett, then you better get Ethier to become the next Hideki Matsui, then you have to make sure Penny doesn’t fade in the second half. . . . . aww, jeez, this is worse than I thought. Anyway, you have to do all that or you’re fired. How long of a contract did I sign?

Larry: Three years, I think.

Joe: D’oh!!

Larry: Hey, you never know. You might end up married to Lana Turner!

(Bowa lets out a cackling laughter, walks out and closes the door behind him.)

Lunchbox: Kent and Jones were pretty good. Kent is definitely an asshole (he needed to be wearing Oakley Blades by the way) and I think Andruw Jones is only capable of monosyllabic answers. The tough part here is that your main character was Torre, and he doesn’t have a personality that is easy to parody in this context. That hurt the flow.

JP: The good news is, I think you’re the only person this week to absolutely nail a character. The bad news is, it wasn’t your main character. Your Jeff Kent was very strong. That is exactly how I imagine him acting. The rest was decent, but I’m not sure if the premise of a revolving door of Dodger generalizations was contrived or clever.

DLamp: Yeesh. This was boring. I thought you had something with The Kent, but then it just kind of petered out from then on. Oh, and please don’t ever use “d’oh” again. Every time you use it, a puppy dies…because I killed it out of anger.

Rob Iracane:I’m just having trouble suspending disbelief on this one. I feel like Mr. Butter didn’t capture Joe Torre’s voice one bit and the entire piece suffered. Also, this entry is a touch too long and….zzzzzzz

That’s it for Week 2. Be sure to cast your votes below.

Next week’s challenge: “Live and Let Liveblog!” Contestants will liveblog a sporting event from this week. Will we have another guest judge? Tune in to find out… but probably, yes.