Pyle of List

Jump to Comments

We at Pyle of List would like to introduce our new baseball correspondent, Patrick McDrunk.

Patrick hangs drywall in the San Fernando Valley out here in Southern California, and loves baseball. He totally would have gone pro if the coach hadn’t dicked him over. Some quick stats:

Height: 6′1″
Weight: 205 (but he hides it well)
Bats: L
Throws: R
Claim to fame: Once played in a slow-pitch softball tournament with Jose Canseco.
Favorite drink: Maker’s Mark
Usual drink: “Whatever you got, bro!”

He will update whenever he’s sober enough to operate a computer. Without further ado– Mr. Patrick McDrunk!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. You guys are great for letting me do this. Like really great. Seriously, you guys are the best freakin’ friends that a guy like me could ever ask for. I love you guys…

Oh right, back to the baseball, game of champions as I like to call it! Let’s look at the highlights and lowlights from each game yesterday. Please note that I only watched one game, the Dodger game, because I was there! My rich uncle Paulie came through with some tickets that were only like 4 rows back, so I spent the whole game trying to get the attention of Chris Gomez cuz he and I went to high school in the same city. That prick wouldn’t even acknowledge me! Son of bitch thinks he’s better than a guy who swings a hammer for a living. Well I’ll show him! I’LL SHOW ALL OF YOU! I’m sorry, I’ll settle down now. That’s not me, that’s the rum talking. And the beers. And the margarita…

Arizona 8, Frisco 2

Highlight - Micah Owings is now 3-0. I like that kid. A pitcher that can do his job at the plate too. That’s blue collar. Like my friend Jacob who does drywall with me, but also does electrical work on the side. Good guy. Owes me $2.

Lowlight - When the damn kid sitting in front of me wouldn’t trade me his Jackie Robinson shirt for my plastic beer cup. Who does hie think he is, the King of France?!

Angels 7, Rangers 4

Highlight - I think Paulie has season tickets for the Angels. That’d be awesome!

Lowlight - It’s really hard to say ‘vladamir’ when you’ve been shooting Wild Turkey all night.

Houston 3, Philadelphia 4

Highlight - Nothin’.

Lowlight - Everythin’.

Oakland 1, White Socks 4

Highlight - Danks wins. Heh. We call my buddy Chaz “Danks” (or Dankster, or Dankles, or Dankasaurus Rex) because he always has the premium hook up. Unless you’re a cop, in which case we just call him Chaz.

Lowlight - Jenks gets save. When the announcer said this my brain exploded. Jenks and Danks are too close for my alcohol riddled brain to handle, room starts spinning…

Washington 0, Mets 6

Highlight - Yes! I laid a solid fin on the Metz to win this game, and they totally came through for me.

Lowlight - I just threw up on my work boots.

KC 6, Seattle 11

Highlight - Getting to quote this scene from Blazing Saddles.

Lowlight - The, uh, “Sheriffs” sitting behind us weren’t too pleased, punched me in the eye.

Atlanta 0, Florida 4

Highlight - I caught a marlin once… no for reals… yes I did!… Off the coast of Mexico, that’s where!…ah, screw you, ya jack-hole!

Lowlight - I never really caught a marlin.

Toronto 11, Baltimore 3

Highlight - None.

Lowlight - Letting them damn Canadians get the best of us. But they do make good, slightly more potent beers. But fuck Mounties!

Cincinnatti 5, Cubs 9

Highlight - I do my Harry Carry impression and our waitress, Hattie thinks I’m funny. I’d totally do her, man.

Lowlight - You try spelling Cinci-fucking-natti with the royal buzz I got going. Jeez, get off my back!

Minnesota 5, Detroit 6

Highlight - A much needed win for Detroit. They need to get back on the winning track. With that line-up (not to mention that hefty payroll) they should be performing much better than they are, regardless of their spotty pitching.

Lowlight- Hey, gimme back that keyboard to sum-bitch!

Milwaukee 1, Cardinals 6

Highlight - Man, I wish I could just go to Milwaukee, and just like, go on tours of every brewery. And then the foreman realizes how cool I am and just gives me free beer for life.

Lowlight - God I hate my life…Uh oh, buzz must be wearing off. Waitress! Another “Fernandomania” por favor!
Boston 5, Cleveland 3

Highlight - Woo! I’m back in the ballgame! CLEVELAND ROCKS! CLEVELAND ROCKS! I should totally go on that American Idol. I’d tell that Simon faced Brit where he can take his criticism: back to England!

Lowlight - I think Hattie was just laughin at my joke to try and get a better tip. Skank…

Colorado 0, San Diego 6

Highlight - Hearing the word Sandiego makes me remember Anchorman. Will Ferrell is so funmy. I bet we’d be such good friends. Like he’d come over and we’d sit on my porch and have a beer and just talk and he’d just be glad I was so cool and kept him down to Earth. Then he’d fly me to Milwaukee.

Lowlight - heh heh, “whale’s vagina”, heh

Yankees 5, Tampa Bay 3

Highlight - Don’t even get me started on New Yorkers. Jerry from the crew is from there and he never shuts up about how great it is outthere. So just go back, then, you stupid Guido! Fuhgetaboutit…fuhgetaboutit…guhgetabou…I’m not feelin’ so hot.

Lowlight - Threw up again.

Pirates 2, Dodgers 11

Highlight - It’s Jackie Robinson day. That’s cool with me. My buddy Carl is a darkie, and he’s actually pretty okay. I mean, we go out for a beer after work every now and then, and he doesn’t even try to sell me crack or steal my shoes. I still wouldn’t let him date my sister though.

Lowlight - Jeff Kent’s mustache makes me question my sexuality.

Now get outta here! I gotta go to bed. Foreman doesn’t like me coming in too hungover. Eff that guy! I could totally do his job…fuckin’…yeah…zzzzzzzzz