Pyle of List

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Here we are for Round 1. Now that you know who they are, get ready to judge them. Voting is open at the bottom of the post. This week, we asked our contestants to create a 5 item list based on a relevant topic in sports. This is what they came up with:

JD Butter

In this era of steroids, and postgame workouts and Mackie Shilstone disciples, I think we have become too fixated on athletes having a “body beautiful.” So I want to take an opportunity to highlight non-Adonis types in our grand national pastime, major league baseball! You know, those tubby, slovenly bastards who just happen to be able to line a base hit to leftfield even though they might look like they’d get cut from your dad’s beer softball league team. Starting from the top. . .

1. Prince Fielder - Every time I see Prince Fielder in his baggy, 50’s-style uniform, I can’t help but think of that big marshmellow character from Ghostbusters. And Prince is still a growing boy, for Christ’s sake!! Somebody show this kid a carrot or a salad or something!!

2. Bartolo Colon - The human tree trunk. Colon has been expanding, and I don’t mean his repertoire of pitches, for years. I am almost sure one of his thighs comes within 20 pounds of outweighing me. I can all but guarantee that Colon will touch 300 pounds within 3 years of retirement.

2. Dmitry Young - I swear to you Dmitry Young is going to have to start wearing his belt BELOW his belly like your grandpa Ted soon! This is the type of build that gives baseball players a bad name. People are always like “if you can be a baseball player looking like that. . .”

3. Andruw Jones - How could I forget the Pillsbury Doughboy of the moment. One of the proponents of logic like “I feel stronger at this weight,” Jones neglects to explain exactly how 20 pounds of fat makes him stronger. Maybe I misheard him. Maybe he said I feel rounder at this weight.” Until he starts at least hitting his weight, I’ll remain unconvinced. Jones doesn’t play centerfield, he IS centerfield.

5. C.C. Sabathia - Another of the “I’m going to hide all this girth inside a big baggy uniform” contingent, Sabathia looks like he has put on like 30 pounds since he came up to the bigs. It was OK when he was Cy Young Award worthy, but raises eyebrows given his stumbling start. He is a free agent after the season. Can you say “weight clause?”

Lunchbox: I’ve been griping to friends about Andruw Jones and his slow fatness for a few weeks now, so that hit home for me. Bartolo goes by Fatolo in our fantasy league. Couldn’t you have found some room on the list for David Ortiz though. He’s listed at 230, but that’s only true if he’s got a hollow leg. Overall, pretty safe. I’d say it’s middle of the pack right now.

JP: Fat jokes are a pretty safe bet but a lot of the list is pretty humorous (”Andruw Jones is CF”). However, nothing LOL-worthy and it doesn’t break any new ground. Then again, people in glass houses…

DLamp: Didn’t we already do this list? Guess not exactly. I don’t know, this was ‘okay’ but didn’t really blow me away. I think you lost me when you didn’t use the proper name of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. It’s an ’80s movie, we’ll get the reference. Oh yeah, and guess who’s going to be the mean critic of the three of us?

JD LeCoq

At this time of year the NBA playoffs capture America’s, and really the world’s attention. I have a 5-item list of things to ponder while we sit in the arena and enjoy the festivities.

1. Foreign Players - I don’t know who the first foreign player was but he sure started the floodgates. These guys really give their all. I mean, some of the players from the USA seem to take the game for granted. But not these foreign boys. They dive for loose balls, play tenacious defense, love to be coached and in general are just good players. You might ask why? That’s a very simple question. Would you prefer to play ball in the States or live in Croatia? Would you rather play for Latvia or the Lakers? The Spurs or Suriname? I think I have made my point.

2. Seats (in the arena) - Why does everyone else have better seats than you do? I mean you are paying $200 per ticket and you are in Row XX! Plus your wife is making you bring your worthless brother-in-law to all the games. You had planned to bring your best buddy’s, Tom, Dick, and Harry, to the first three games. And if a 7th game was needed you were going to have the big coup. You were going to bring Mona, that really great looking chick from accounting. Down at the bar you heard the guys refer to her as “Moaning Mona” because she gets hot at regular season games and gives a guy…………well, you know what I mean. What do you think a Game 7 would make her do? But you have to bring Edward who hasn’t worked in three years and is smelly!!

3. Food and Drinks - This is really off the scale. A beer costs $9. A burger hits you up for $12.95! It’s $7.50 for fries!! M&M’s are $4.50 Come on, this is the basketball arena; not Bobby Flay’s Bar Americain! The entire food and drink bill for the night will be $150. You have to bring your credit card to buy it all because you can’t carry that much cash around in this section of town! And top it all off they quit selling beer at the end of the 3rd quarter!!

4. Apparel - This one really gets you. You have to buy something at the game for everyone you left at home. The wife wants a jersey with the star player’s name on it. That will run you $59. You have to bring your son one also. He likes a guy who comes off the bench and you don’t have to fork over but $45 to get his jersey. The daughter wants the jersey of the guy from Croatia because he looks “foreign”. The jersey in teams colors costs $52, but she has to have pink and that runs $102! Your brother-in-law can’t afford a jersey so you get him one. You’re out another $55. Then you have to get one for his ex-wife who he wants to get back with so you fork out another $55 for a another jersey. The total apparel bill: $316. Bust out the credit card! That’s more than you’ve spent in the past two years for your clothes! And you did not even get a pair of boxer shorts; which by the way costs $25!!

5. Cheerleaders - This is why you come to the game. You know darn good and well if you could just get a date with one of those vibrant vixens all else would not matter. Your team could go 0-82 and never get close to the playoffs and you would not care. Yo have had your eye on the cute little brunette who must have barely made the team weight limit because you don’t like your cheerleaders skinny.

In the end you do get to the game and things go just about the way you expected. That idiot from Croatia missed a slam dunk at the end of the game and your team lost by 1 point! The cheerleader you wanted to see must have had one Twinkie too many. She’s not on the team anymore. Your brother-in-law, who was smelly before the game, is really smelly now because of all the trips he made to get beer and go to the bathroom. You leave the arena and some kids have slashed the tires on your car. Then a bunch of hooligans pass by and rob you of all the cash you have, $8.24, and all the apparel you bought!! And what are you thinking about right now………..”Ok team, there’s always next year”!!

Lunchbox: I really liked the “Why does everyone else have better seats…” comment. It’s so true, and the folks in those better seats never seem to appreciate it. I was expecting a “HEY YOOO!!” and a high five when you talked about the girl from accounting. I give you bonus points for the creativity, but I take a few away for the franticness of it all. Maybe it was just the exclamation points…

JP: A creative idea for a list and I like the chance you took with it. It certainly has a unique voice, which is a positive, but there was a little too much middle of the road non-sequitor for our site. If you go random, you either have to anchor the piece and go sparingly or submit yourself to all-out crazy.

DLamp: Boo. Hated it. And here’s why: 1) I hate most European players. Mostly because they flop like it’s soccer, but a little because they’re white. Stay off my court, whitey! 2) You mention having a wife, then mention wanting to bang the chick from accounting. I hate cheaters. 3) Things at ballparks/stadiums are expensive?! How did this slip by everyone in ‘Merica over the last decade?!?! Breaking news like this surely deserves two spots in a five item list.

Ozzy Neav

Steroids Anyone?

While performance enhancing drugs have been a part of the baseball culture for over half a century, it is only over the last five years that their use have been called into question by the American public. While we as a society have often voiced our disdain and dismay over the use of performance enhancers, the flip side of the argument is rarely given voice and support. In order to remedy this biased and one sided debate, here are five reasons why steroids are an important and beneficial part of baseball.

It’s Called Sports Entertainment
There is a distinct difference between sports and sports entertainment. Using baseball as the example, sports would be a scrawny, pale group of accountants playing a few innings on the sandlot, or a rag tag entourage of pimpled adolescents slugging it out on a gravel diamond. Sports entertainment on the other hand, is thousands of fans, millions of dollars and over priced venues that have driven many a municipality into bankruptcy. Professional ball players, or sports entertainers, are not only supposed to play at a high caliber, they need to be entertaining. The more juice they take, the more entertaining they will eventually be and that’s more important than anything else.

We Love Genetic Freaks
Singles, fly balls, routine plays at second; all these are an integral part of the game, but they are far from exciting. We watch baseball for upper deck homers, 95 mph fastballs and plays at the plate that require serious arm strength to materialize. With performance enhancing drugs we get all of these in abundance. Most of us watch sports, not just for the competition, but to marvel at maneuvers that we couldn’t possibly execute. So keep those arms big please, because we love out of the park homeruns.

Progress Progress
The argument against steroids should have been made thirty years ago. The public crusade to keep sports pure is too little too late. With the progress of technology, how far fetched would it be to assume that baseball players will have the option of playing with bionic enhancements one day? Laugh and scoff if you must, but we as society will eventually reach the stage where artificial, physical improvements will be easily accessible to the general public. What happens if a future baseball player hits 400 feet and bionic enhanced fan is capable of hitting a ball 2000 feet? Unfair it may be, but this same fan would have a hard time taking the baseball player seriously. Progress can not be fought or stopped. Baseball needs to adapt or die.

Hypocrites
It was only a few short years ago when baseball was in a rapid and alarming decline. Fans, still irritated by the lockout, were not coming out to the ball park. Ratings were down, revenue was down and attendance was smaller than at a Kevin Federline concert. Enter Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and a few other genetic jackhammers who put asses back in the seats with homeruns races, breaking records and miraculous displays of power and skill that left many of us breathless. The same people that were giddy and goofy with delight at what they saw, are now pointing an accusing finger at the so called steroid syndicate for “cheating.” We all knew they were doing it then and nobody said a word. If you kept your mouth shut and enjoyed the performance, do us all a favor, keep your mouth shut now. Don’t be a hypocrite.

It’s Who We Are
Sport is a reflection of the culture and society that surrounds it. Many baseball players take performance enhancing drugs, but are we as society not the same? We take medicine and other external products almost every day of our lives. For every condition or emotion in life, we have a drug to help us better coup with the trials and tribulations involved. Why should baseball be any different? These baseball players are brought up and educated in the same culture as you and I. It is we as a people who need to change our culture, before we change baseball.

Lunchbox: I really dig the hypocrisy angle. Although, I don’t know if hypocrites make steroids an “important and beneficial part of baseball.” I like your writing style too. There were some great visual images in your post.

JP: The pro-steroids platform isn’t a groundbreaking position, but I think you explored some valid reasoning. Some of your conclusions or possibilities (fans using steroids and hitting further than players comes to mind) weren’t relevant and a bit over the top.

DLamp: I actually really like this. I think you presented a well thought out argument to a current sports issue. Could it have used more racist/sex jokes? Of course, but what couldn’t? Oh, and someone tell K-Fed that he got burned!

Frank Nevarez
Sports Troublemakers

1. Gatorade: You’ve heard of the Sports Illustrated cover jinx. I think it’s time to beware of the Gatorade commercial jinx. Remember how Tiger Woods was rolling along winning tournament after tournament through the first part of the year? Gatorade rolls out its splashy Tiger Moon shot commercial to promote its new special Tiger formula. What happens? Tiger can’t sink a putt to save his life and loses the Masters, the first piece of his “all-but-handed-to-the-guy”, inevitable Grand Slam. Beware Boston Celtics. You are prohibitive favorites for the NBA crown, but the new Gatorade commercial features Kevin Garnett. The slogan is “Make history or be history.” No pressure.

2. Old age and pride: the boxer’s worst friend. 43-year old Bernard Hopkins took on Joe Calzaghe this past weekend. Though he was in great shape and even knocked down Calzaghe in the first round, it’s time to hang ‘em up. Once Calzaghe got into a rhythm he was completely in control of the match and was never in danger. Hopkins feigned a low-blow in the later rounds to gain time, gather his wits and catch some extra rest for the fight’s finish. I could feel his “pain” as he grimaced, made ugly facial contortions and walked it off. This acting foray caught Quentin Tarantino’s attention. For his next flick Samuel L. Jackson is out; Hopkins is in.

3. Comcast and Time/Warner cable systems: As the NFL continues its march towards world domination, these two cable TV giants stand in its way. Neither will place the NFL Network on its basic tier, they would prefer to carry it on its sports tier, which would cost the football fan an extra fee each month and would diminish the number of homes NFL Network would appear in. NFL loses advertising revenue and access to a bigger audience. The NFL cries foul. Their mission is to insure that every American home gets its national sport fix 24-hours-a-day. Hey NFL, how come you’re so nutty about getting NFL Network on every TV, but I can’t get the NFL Sunday Ticket package on my cable system? I have to be willing to sign up for a satellite TV system and I have no desire to put up a dish! Thanks for thinking of me soooo much.

4. Isiah Thomas: Admittedly, this would have had more punch had new GM Donnie Walsh not reportedly mandate that Isiah have no contact with New York Knicks players. But it just adds to Isiah’s reputation as a big troublemaker. Look at his track record: a) less-than-stellar stints as VP with Raptors and as coach of the Pacers, b) Ran the CBA into the ground, c) Part of a sexual harassment suit at Madison Garden, d) uhhh, a little thing called righting-the-ship called the New York Knicks, and e) such an inspiring NBA coach that opposing teams’ fans would chant “Fire Isiah” when he can a-visiting. I still don’t understand why Walsh would want this guy having ANYTHING to do with the Knicks as they move forward. Isn’t this like having the captain of the Titanic as a consultant to Carnival Cruises?

5. Pacman Jones: and we thought Terrell Owens could ruffle a few feathers. The bar has been raised for troublemakers everywhere. And in the world of sports and competition that’s not a good thing.

Lunchbox: I liked the range of this one…PGA, NBA, boxing, NFL. It was just missing something from MLB (guaranteed contracts) or college sports (the NCAA rule that allows schools to make bank off their student-athletes without the athletes getting any coin).

JP: I really liked it. Thought it was creative and still filled with strong facts to back up opinions. It was funny as well. The most complete entry this week execution-wise.

DLamp: This was lacking, mainly in the form on an intro. Give us, the reader, a little more heads up as to what is coming our way, so that when I’m reading your NFL v. Cable paragraph, I don’t have to scroll up and read the title again and then try to figure out if it really fits this list. And I have to agree with you on #1. My argument? Michael Jordan. Next case.

David Hartman

5 Problems With The All-You-Can-Eat Section

“Is ’small child’ on the all-you-can-eat menu?”

At least 13 Major League Baseball teams have incorporated an all-you-can-eat section into their stadium this season. And while my first game this season will undoubtedly be in an all-you-can-eat section, because I will totally exploit it, there are certain health risks that go along with allowing American sports fans to consume as much hot dogs, nachos, peanuts, cotton candy, and soda as they want. Luckily, the teams were smart enough to not put beer on the all-you-can-eat menu. If they did, that’s when you know the teams just don’t care anymore. “Come on out to Fenway Friday night when the Sox take on the Yanks. Enjoy the all-you-can-eat hot dogs and beer! Also, we brought back full size bat giveaway night, and glass beer bottles!” It would just be thousands of drunken Capt. Cavemans in the stands wanting to reenact the Untouchables on the guy in front of them. The issues with the all-you-can-eat section are actually less violent. But they are still issues, nonetheless. Which brings me to the 5 problems with the all-you-can-eat section.

5. Heart Disease - It’s the leading cause of death in the United States, killing one American every thirty-four seconds. Watch your clock for 34 seconds. Go ahead, I’ll wait. OK, I’ll count for you. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34, BAM! Someone just died.

4. Overcrowded bathrooms/Walkways/Stairs/EVERYWHERE - If people are going to be taking advantage of the all-you-can-eatness of their team’s ballpark (and you know they will), then there is going to be an unbelievable amount of people needing to go pee or drop a deuce. And as if the bathroom and walkways of ballparks weren’t crowded enough, just imagine thousands of people with bursting bladders running up the stairs, and filling the walkways and bathrooms at the end of every other inning. Men will be standing on each other’s shoulders at the trough to speed up the line. And the ladies room… well I don’t even want to be anywhere near that.

3. Obesity

2. Obesity

1. Obesity - So fat it takes up 3 spots on the list.

They wanted to get everything at once because they were just going to leave by the 7th inning.

But, then again, this is America and you should be free to do what you want. If someone wants to combine two of the country’s favorite pastimes, eating and baseball, then go for it. Plus, tickets aren’t getting any cheaper these days. So, this is a good way to get the most out of going to the game. And if you’re a fan of one of those teams who doesn’t have the ability to, you know, win, the endless amount of food may be the only way to enjoy the game. Too bad you can’t get some endless beer to go with it, too.

Lunchbox: I partook of the Dodger Stadium all-you-can-eat section last year. You missed out on the point that the food lines are out of control, the concession staff look like they’re about ready to go all Travis Bickle on you, and the dogs are cold. I love the topic though. Good choice. You hurt yourself with only writing 40% of the list though.

JP: I really enjoyed this one. The pictures added a lot and the Dodger picture caption was the funniest joke of the round. But using obesity as 3 consecutive places is a bit of a cop out, despite the accuracy of the claim.

DLamp: As a huge (not in the fat way) fan of the all-you-can eat section, I went into this list with a ‘frowny-faced’ attitude. But, I have to say, your first two points were funny and well thought out. I really dig the pictures and the captions as well. Oh, but next time ACTUALLY WRITE AN ENTIRE LIST! Are you kidding me?! Five slots and you can only come up with three items? On a ten item list I wouldn’t have blinked an eye, but when more than half the list is basically missing, I’ve got to mark you down for that.

Mako McCain
5 Fantastic Fights for the 2008 NBA Playoffs

A hypothetical Friday Night on a Wednesday Morning by Mako McCain
I know, I know, I know…I know I should be used to this feeling by now. But, as I’ve said many times before, being a Dallas Mavericks fan is like being hopelessly in love with a runaround woman: she’ll love you just enough to take your heart and your money, and then she’ll leave you disappointed (again), depressed, and heartbroken, asking yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Which is what I’m asking myself right now, drinking Folgers and Hazelnut Coffee-Mate (again)…looking blurry-eyed at that 127 to 103 romp the Hornets put on the Mavericks last night for a 2 games to nothing lead…in the first round, again.
I wanted to write something real witty and insightful for this post, but I’m in no shape for insights or humor. Yeah, I’m an angry man this morning. Real bitter (like this Folgers). Not just at the Maverick’s losing, but at the NBA in general.
This may be just the hysterical ranting of a frustrated fan, but, tell me, didn’t the NBA playoffs used to be lot more exciting?

What happened to the heated, occasionally violent, rivalries?

Where’s Xavier McDaniel when you need him? Bill Laimbeer?

…which brings me to my list. I’ve been thinking, these playoffs need some fisticuffs, some real rabble-rousing ruckus, a bloody-knuckled fruckus…that oughta get the ball rolling (at least). Dirk had his chance to take a swing at David West in Game 1 with all the face-touching and pleasantries exchanged between them, but Dirk, the NBA (and Ron Artest) have gone soft on us.
Ah well, this is the era of Fantasy Sports, right? Here are 5 throwdowns I’d like to see go down in the 2008 NBA Playoffs:

1. Kobe Bryant vs. Shaq
Yes, we all want to see this one. America has been blood-thirsty for this feud to come down to a real whirlwind of swinging fists and jump kicks for more than half a decade now. But, unless we can bribe the refs to rig this one in, the Suns (and Shaq with them) may be setting once and for all down in San An before they can face Kobe and his Lakers. Anyone wanna buy in?

Winner: Shaq. Did you see “Steel”? (…neither did I.)

2. Dirk Nowitzki vs. Steve Nash
(I’ve imagined this one going down since ’05 semifinals.) An unwritten rule in fraternal relations (see: Fight Club) is, at one point or another, you’ve gotta beat the livin’ daylights outta your best friend (and vice versa.) Dirk and Steve can well-wish each other in post-game interviews ‘till the Knicks break .500 but there’s a throwdown potential between these two MVP’s (sans the rings) worthy of a headlining spot Friday night on SPIKE TV.

Winner: Dirk. He’s German, Steve’s a Canuck. (Although, I hear he’s a solid soccer player? I bet he’s gotta real mean headbutt.)

3. Andre Kirilenko vs. Pau Gasol
Honestly, I’m hesitant to propose this matchup. But, perhaps on account of my baseless assumption that there is a limitless supply of pent-up aggression and brutal hostility in these foreign exchange ball players from nations known for bullfighting and the Iron Curtain (among other things)…whatever it is, I would love to see a flagrant elbow go flying between these two alien forces.

Winner: Andre…due to his eerie resemblance to Captain Ivan Drago.

4. Mark Cuban vs. David Stern
No one denies the bad blood here. And both these jokers know good and well that no monetary fine is gonna settle their differences (Cuban folds his fajitas in $100 bills). They’ll have to reach a hard-fought compromise somewhere between Dancing with the Stars and a new set of balls (for both of them…).

Winner: Cuban. (enough said…)

5. Charles Barkley vs. Kenny “The Jet” Smith vs. Charles Barkley
As long as Tim Duncan and the Spurs are winning, the NBA Finals will continue its shot-down-and-burning plummet in viewer ratings. And it’s one thing to have a brawl out on the floor, but shall we entertain the possibility of violence in the studio? What if the dam finally bursts between these bickering buffoons and all those shouting matches and yell fests finally shed the makeup and commercial breaks and someone finally gets their jaw broke for saying Kobe is rightly the MVP? It won’t be pretty between these three, but (quote me) the ratings will skyrocket.

Winner: Marv Albert - by default. I know he’s not necessarily mentioned above, but I find it very difficult to bet against a man who can wear a toupee and women’s underwear, gets convicted of biting a prostitute’s back “15 times”, and somehow makes a successful return to national television…this is a frightening specimen of human decadence.

Lunchbox: The intro was awesome. Really, really good stuff. I like the personal attachment angle. The matchups were good too. I think you probably meant to throw Ernie Johnson somewhere into fight #5 instead of two Round Mounds of Rebound. Or maybe not, and I just didn’t get the joke. But you ended it well the the Marv Albert bit. This is probably my favorite of the week.

JP: The idea is a great intersection of sports and pop culture. We used to do a feature similar to this each week (for about 2-3 weeks), so kudos for either doing your homework or thinking like us. Maybe I’m being nitpicky, but I thought you could’ve had some better fights (Amare v. Horry grudge match, LeBron v. Deshawn, Kurt Rambis v. Kevin McHale, Pistons v. Entertaining Basketball)

DLamp: Probably my favorite of the week, mainly because it came from a real, personal place. I feel your connection with the material (and sports in general) and the list felt organic and ended up being very funny. Do remember to take a second read through your lists though, because Lunchbox is right, the title for your fifth fight doesn’t make any sense, and the winner (Albert) wasn’t even listed as a participant.

Philguard

Hello everybody. Before we start I’ve been asked to make the following announcement: Anyone with information regarding Don Nelson’s whereabouts is asked to contact the Golden State Warriors. Nelson is believed to be somewhere in the state of Hawaii but numerous attempts by ownership to contact him have been unsuccessful. Caution is advised as he is, believe it or not, defiantly drunker than he looks. Cash reward for information leading to his capture.

With that out of the way, here we go.

The Kansas City T-bones, a Semi-pro baseball team, had planned a Michael Vick “Welcome to the Neighborhood” night on May 28th. The night was to include prison uniforms, spotlights and escape sirens as well as other events promoting the care of animals. Now T-bones team officials have decided the whole thing might be in bad taste and canceled the “prison themed” activities.
Vick, when asked about the event, said, “I was actually really excited until the warden told me I wasn’t going to be allowed to go. You know, I realize the hot dogs are too small (ya’ll shut up back there), and the beer is flat, and the baseball would probably suck (I’m serious, shut up) but, it’s not like I had anything else planned.”
It got me to thinking about the greatness of the minor league promotions. If you’ve never paid a dollar to throw a baseball at a miniature house wheeled out to home plate with hopes of getting it into the chimney in order to win a home, you haven’t experienced the height of fan involvement at a sporting event. Should the professional leagues ever decide to give the fans a thrill; I’ve come up with a few basic ideas for promotional events for them to try.

Fan Pitcher Night with the Texas Rangers – The first 5000 fans will be entered into a drawing to take place one hour before game time. One lucky fan, picked at random, will be whisked out of the stands and taken down to the clubhouse where they will be fitted with an official Texas Rangers uniform and allowed to start the game at pitcher. Should the fan/pitcher be able to notch the win he or she will receive a two year contract. After the conclusion of the season the fan will remain with the team for the second year if their ERA is above 5. The Rangers will immediately trade said pitcher for any offer, reasonable or not, if they are able to post an ERA below 2. Open to all fans of any age.

Stroke A-Rod Night – Fans will be asked to sign a pledge to support A-Rod including refraining from complaining about his contract or demanding his trade. The first 2,000 males 18 and up to write a personal note of encouragement to the third baseman will receive a limited edition “#13 Forever” pleather handbag designed by everyone’s favorite metro sexual himself. Before the game Alex will take a loyalty oath to the Yankees organization and renounce his unholy alliance with Scott Boras.

Sidney Crosby Hall of Fame Tour – I realize it’s only been two seasons but come on…this guy is the greatest thing to hit hockey since Lord Stanley purchased the Cup for 48.67 American, right? It is inconceivable that he might struggle with ineffectiveness or injury, so to that end, why not go ahead and induct him into the Hall of Fame now? The NHL is in need of a shot in the arm all across the league. Imagine the tickets you could sell to see the HOF play in his prime. But wait, there’s more… Why should Pittsburg be the big winners in all this? I propose Pittsburg be given a bye on the regular season and Sidney Crosby plays 2 home games for each team in the NHL throughout the season. Now that’s promotion. Somebody get me Bettman on the phone, he’ll bite…I’ll just tell him it’s Reebok’s idea.

Win a NFL Franchise – What do Orlando, San Antonio, and Salt Lake City have in common?? They are all capable of supporting pro sports and they are above Buffalo in market size. With the NFL allowing the Bills to play a regular season game in Toronto, my sneaky Canadians alarm is going off. We have plenty of places to put the Bills right here in the god ole USA. Plus Toronto already horned in on baseball and basketball. They’ve got them a nice little football league up there so let’s keep the N in the NFL. I propose that these three cities sell season ticket packages competitively. The first city to sell 73,967 (Ralph Wilson Stadium Capacity) gets a slightly used franchise. Should none of these areas be able to complete the task, the team remains in Buffalo until LA makes the power play befitting the 2nd largest market in the US.

Go Play with your Little Sister Week – I never had younger siblings, however I find that I must tell my oldest to go play with her little sister all the time. In that spirit, it’s about time that the NBA go play with its little sister. I propose that the first week of preseason for the NBA be a joint venture with the WNBA. Each team fields 6 male and 6 female players. The first quarter begins with the home team putting it’s male players on the floor against the female visitors squad. At the start of each new quarter the opposing teams switch genders. Face it; it might be more entertaining than the NBA preseason is currently. It might even gives the Knicks a well deserved new pool of talent to overpay. I now realize this might interfere with the WNBA regular season, but have no desire to confirm or deny this, even though I am sitting in front of my computer with cable modem thrusting all of the world’s information into my home. Folks, that’s just not caring in the slightest. Can that be the WNBA’s new slogan? This is where apathy happens.

I see by the blinking light over the bar, my time is almost up so let me just leave you with the dumb sports quote of the week; Anything anybody heard come out of Isaiah Thomas’ mouth in the last 7 days.

Thank you. Your beautiful.

Lunchbox: “Sneaky Canadians alarm”…good stuff. And I like the new WNBA slogan. This was a really good list too, just a hair behind Mako McCain for second place on my imaginary ballot. Good work, just work on the polish next time…it’s spelled PITTSBURGH. We don’t want to alienate that reader from Pennsylvania.

JP: You might have a future in minor league promotions. The “stroke A-Rod” joke is roughly our speed in terms of clever dick jokes. Solid effort. However, I think it lost a little momentum at the end.

DLamp: I dug it. It started out stronger than it ended, but overall a decent list. A grammar Nazi would condemn you for your “your vs. you’re” confusion on your sign off, but luckily, I’m not a grammar Nazi. Just a regular Nazi. The Isiah joke was not needed and reeked of trying to crowbar in a joke. Just worry about making your list strong, and don’t worry about the fancy sign off so much.

Cast your vote below for the contestant you like the most!

Next week’s assignment: “Show us your character!” (w/ a secret Guest Judge)

Write a humorous, dialogue-driven interaction using a pro athlete as your main character. It should be written completely from the character’s perspective. Have a little fun with this one fellas. Examples here, here and here.