Pyle of List

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Like most red blooded, Jesus fearing ‘Mericans, we love ourselves some TV. And while reality TV may seem to be taking over the airwaves (seriously though, have you watched Rock of Love II? It’s amazing!) nothing will ever touch the narrative. And what makes a truly genius narrative? A good villain for our hero to overcome. We set the top 8 TV villains against each other to see who would make it to the Final Four to face the winners of the Cartoon Bracket and the Movie Bracket. As always, if you disagree with our choice, voice your opinion in the poll and the comments.

Participants (Seeded Alphabetically)

Arvin Sloane (Alias) - Cold. Calculating. Sloane would stab you in the back, and then search for a reason to do so. With seemingly endless resources and connections, Arvin is a very dangerous foe for anyone living “on the grid”. Although he’d better hope no one is carrying any morphine… Sports counterpart: Billy Beane

Ben Linus (Lost) - This man is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, protected by a smoke monster. A devious mastermind, Ben always knows more than you, and will use this information to make you a pawn in his Gilligan-esque game of chess. Sports counterpart: Greg Maddux

Boss Hogg (Dukes of Hazzard) - Yeehaw! You Yankees sumbitches wanna tango?! Well then step on up to the wealthiest man in Hazzard county, and the personification of all seven of the deadly sins. He’s not really sure if murder is considered a “deadly sin”, but he wants to make sure his bases are covered so watch your neck. Sports counterpart: Red Auerbach

C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) - What more needs to be said about a man who once tried to block out the sun? What Burns lacks in physical prowess, he makes up for in pure evil-ness. Sports counterpart: Bud Selig

Nina Myers (24) - Nina is a cold-blooded bitch. There’s no two ways about it. She sold out national secrets to the highest bidder. She sabotaged her colleagues. She killed Jack Bauer’s wife. If you’re going to kill a member of Jack Bauer’s family, you have got to be crazy and dangerous. Sports counterpart: Tonya Harding

Stringer Bell (The Wire) - The first rule in the book, as everyone knows, is don’t mess with an economics major! Easily the most street credentialed contestant, Stringer is ruthless and will stop at nothing to eliminate any threat to his 401K. Sports counterpart: Mike Vick

Kevin “Ug” Lee (Salute Your Shorts) - Kevin Lee is the head counselor at Camp Anawanna. If there is anything more dangerous than spending your days dealing with prepubescent kids, then I’ve never heard of it. Ug may be the most battle tested of all our participants. Sports counterpart: Jared Weaver

Valley High School (Saved by the Bell) - Any SbtB fan worth their weight in Slater’s Zubas knows that the only thing more forceful than Zack’s good looks and smooth operation was the dirty play and general shenanigans of the Valley losers. Vile and despicable, they *like* totally suck! Sports counterpart: Duke

Round 1 - Fight!

v.

DLamp: Valley High - Listen, the only reason Valley didn’t dominate all southern California sports, is because they had to constantly go up against the dynamic duo of Zack and Slater. After years of playing against the best, now they tear through the rest!

Lunchbox: Sloane - I’ve never caught a single episode of Alias, but does Valley really seem like some unstoppable juggernaut? Zach Morris, AC Slater, and that one dufus Ox don’t exactly seem like great athletes. Sure, Slater is dreamy with his greasy Mexi-curls. But that doesn’t make him a football player. Valley was never tested because the Bayside Tigers were a bunch of softies. I’m picking Sloane because he’s got that diabolical look down pat.

Byron Leftwich: Valley High - Does anything strike fear into the hearts of America’s youth like the phrase “Tonight we’ve got the big game…against Valley”? Game, set, match.

 

Winner: Valley High!

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DLamp: Ben - I will never vote for anyone connected to that ass Donkylips. I met Donkeylips on a commercial shoot two years ago and he was the biggest douche-ass in the history of the world. He seriously made me want to vomit on some puppies. All you need to know is he showed up about half an hour late to the set and came in wearing a Raiders jersey. So, sorry, Ug, guilty by association I guess. Although these two characters would make a great live-action version of Pinky and the Brain. I’ll let you guess which one is Pinky…

Lunchbox: Ben - Ben Linus is an evil genius. Ug is a zinc-oxide wearing (possible high school drop out) camp counselor. This is like a 16 seed vs. 1 seed mathcup.

Byron Leftwich: Ben - At this point, he could actually be Satan, right? What’s the ceiling on who he actually is? Mad scientist? Criminal mastermind? Shapeshifting alien? Yeah. Satan.

Winner: Ben Linus!

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DLamp: Boss Hogg - Never bet against a Southern gentleman dressed in all white. Trust me on this one.

Lunchbox: Stringer Bell - String has been toughened on the streets of “Bodymore, Murdaland”. Boss Hogg has been pampered by southern hospitality and lots of sweet tea. Yes, Baltimore is just below the Mason-Dixon Line, but these guys are from different worlds. I know String never gets his hands dirty with the business of killing fools, but he’d have Boss Hogg taken care of before he light up his stogie.

Byron Leftwich: Stringer - I’ve only watched season one, but who doesn’t want to root for the guy going to community college? This is a classic white collar/blue collar match-up, and I’m a working man.

Winner: Stringer Bell!

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DLamp: Burnsy - Or should I say ‘boo-urns!’? Either way, Smithers slips him some brass knucks concealed in Bobo and even old man Burns has enough strength to KO this harlot. Sleep with Jack while he and his wife are “on a break”. Tsk, tsk.

Lunchbox: Nina - She’s like a black widow or a praying mantis. Monty Burns would be confused by her sneaky hotness. Meanwhile she’d fire a round right between his eyes without a second though.

Byron Leftwich: Nina - No brainer here. Mr. Burns will sometimes “relent from being a bitter old man” or “take pity on a worthless employee”. Nina, on the other hand, is resting not-so-comfortably in her place in the Ninth Circle of Hell with her pals Judas, Cain, etc. (thanks Wikipedia).

Winner: Nina Myers!

Round 2 - Fight!

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DLamp: Valley High - Well, if I didn’t think Nina could beat a withered up skinny old man, how can I expect her to beat a team of young, strapping high school kids. I do feel bad for her though, because the end of this match-up looks like a Duke lacrosse party. Except instead of yelling racial epitaphs, they just make her wear a Kelly Kapowski mask.

Lunchbox: Nina - If she can prevail against CTU, I have no doubt that she takes care of the ENTIRE Valley High School in short order. She’s got access to explosives and biological weapons. Valley’s got access to obnoxious cliche accents.

Byron Leftwich: Valley High - These guys are the “those guys” for every high school in America. Everybody has a “those guys”, and everybody hates them. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m picking Valley all the way.

Winner: Valley High!

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DLamp: Ben Linus - All the way. Stringer would show up looking to fight, but Ben would somehow already have his whole family tied up and offer to free them in exchange for Stringer surrendering. What Ben wants, Ben gets. Take notes, Jack, you stupid crybaby!

Lunchbox: Ben - I know Stringer Bell is a high class thug, but Ben is an evil mastermind. I guarantee that Stringer is working for Ben after 10 minutes.

Byron Leftwich: Stringer - Yes, Ben could be Satan. But I didn’t mention his floor. He could also just be a complete lunatic, who’s just coherent enough to speak proper English whenever he happens to show up. I mean, everyone saw that scene with the chair in the empty room. I’ll take Stringer on the fact that he’s 100% a criminal mastermind.

Winner: Ben Linus!

Final Round - Finish Him!

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DLamp: Ben Linus - Wow, this was a really tough choice for me. I mean, I love me some SbtB. I watch it every morning on TBS before I go to work. TAT: so hot! Zack Morris: So cool! So part of me wants to vote for anything affiliated with that show. But Ben is just too good at being bad. He’s too evil for me to vote with my heart. Sorry Valley, maybe next year.

Lunchbox: Ben - Ben’s got all his previous opponents working for him at this point. So really, Valley isn’t just up against Ben, they’ve got to handle all his mind-warped lackeys too. Add in the fact that Valley is still reeling from they’re narrow victory over Nina Meyers and her bio-terror weapons, and it’s no competition.

Byron Leftwich: Valley. I didn’t even have Ben getting out of the last round, so of course I’m not picking him here. The only way I’m wrong is if Ben actually went to Bayside - in that case (since Bayside>Valley>everyone else) I’m totally screwed.

Winner, and advancing to the Final Four: BEN LINUS!

Think we got it wrong? Vote below for who you think should have won, and if we were way off, your votes can change the outcome.