Pyle of List

Jump to Comments

Remember that time when you were a kid and you were watching The Burbs and got to too scared to sleep in the living room with your friend who was staying over? Yeah, me neither. But movies impact us and stay with us, and no movie is complete without a good villain. So without further ado, let’s meet the contests from the Movie region of our little tournament.

Participants (Seeded Alphabetically)

Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men) - Never has a coin flip or a bad hair cut been so intimidating. This creeptastic baddie might go down in history as the first badass Frenchman over 5′8″ (sorry, Napoleon). Sports Counterpart: Kirk Hinrich

Biff Tannen (Back to the Future) - If you were to build a bully, Frankenstein-style, you would model it after Biff. Not the brightest star in the drawer, Biff still packed plenty of wallop, and one kickass car! Sports Counterpart: Brock Lesnar

Darth Vader (Star Wars) - You know you’re a ‘G’ when you have your own entrance music. Also, all black never goes out of style for evildoers. Neither does killing innocent people, choking insolent generals, and being a dead-beat dad. Vader liked to keep his bases covered. Sports Counterpart: Coach K

Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) - Easily the smartest in the group, Lecter will get inside an opponents head…and promptly eat his brains. His track record clearly shows he’ll do anything for the ‘W’. Sports Counterpart: Joe Torre

Johnny Lawrence (Karate Kid) - Every villain in the 80’s was modeled after Johnny. And played by the same guy. Blonde, cocky and talented, Johnny’s entire future was in front of him. But one poor decision kept Lawrence from winning the All Valley Karate Tournament, and now he takes his game to our tournament. SWEEP THE LEG! Sports Counterpart: Dirk Nowitzki

Michael Myers (Halloween) - How do you read the emotions of a man without expressions? On second thought, I doubt Myers has a soul to experience emotions with. Distant and vacant with unknown supernatural powers, Myers’ potential seems to be limitless… like a “Rain Man” for killing teenagers. (Non Evil) Sports Counterpart: Manny Ramirez

Predator (Predator) - Jeez, where to begin? Invisibility, shoulder cannons, bad ass crab face, the list goes on and on. Only weakness is heat-based vision. Can get knocked out early if opponent finds lots of mud. Sports Counterpart: Steven Jackson

The Joker (Batman) - The literal wild card in this tournament, The Joker can be the most dangerous man in the world when he gets the inclination to do so. So who shows up, super crazy and serious about killing Joker, or just wants some giggles Joker? Sports Counterpart: Doink The Clown

Round 1 - Fight!

v.

DLamp: Joker - The Joker invented being crazy and killing people. Chigurh is just a poor French impressionist. Man I love art jokes. But seriously, when bad guys want to scare each other, they tell Joker stories.

JP: Anton - The hair alone is enough but the use of the word “Friend-o” sets him over the top. To be fair, I haven’t seen the movie yet so all I know is what the previews have told me. I just don’t think the Joker could handle Anton straight up.

Lunchbox: Anton Chigurh - Yeah, I know the Joker is a crazy SOB. But for some reason he just seems too reliant on henchmen. Remember, we’re talking about movie-Joker. Jack Nicholson’s Joker was good, but he wasn’t much to fear mano a mano. Chigurh on the other hand was like the grim reaper. It doesn’t matter how you fight or where you hide. He finds you, and then he punches in your skull with a cattle gun. As an added insult, Joker wets his pants right before his brain gets perforated.

Winner: Anton Chigurh!

v.

DLamp: Predator - Poor Biff; he never stood a chance. If only he had gotten to the chopper.

JP: Predator - I love Biff. You love Biff. We all love Biff. But he is no match for the Predator. If it wasn’t for a fortuitous climb onto the banks of some jungle river that resulted in an improbable mud bath that would make Day Spas everywhere jealous, Arnold himself would’ve been toast. On the other hand, Danny Glover’s honor and bravery were enough to save him.

Lunchbox: Predator - Hey Butthead, there’s no way Biff even scuffs Predator’s scales. I think Predator uses that net gun thing (you know the net that constricts until it cuts right through you?) from across the room and doesn’t even bat a slimy eyelid.

Winner: Predator!

v.

DLamp: Darth Vader - Myers is kinda scary…if you’re 8! Seriously, that mask is pretty freakin’ lame, and if it weren’t for a young Jamie Lee Curtis’ knockers, his movie would have been lame too. But Vader? That dude is straight up BAD! Choking bitches like Dolemite! Vader dismembers him with light saber like it’s 1996 and he’s playing Time Killers. Editors Note- A cursory viewing of “Scream” would reveal that Jamie Lee Curtis would not reveal her breasts until “Trading Places” in 1983.

JP: Vader - Myers nearly idiot savant like killing behavior won’t be enough to overcome Darth Vader. While Myers did rid Haddonfield, IL of a generation or two of teens, Vader cleansed the entire universe of the Jedi menace. Advantage: Vader.

Lunchbox: Vader - Mike Meyers could be accurately described as a bumbling retard. The only time Vader bumbled around was when he didn’t have any legs, before his robot suit. So what if Meyers never dies. If Lord Vader got tired of choking him with his Jedi powers, he could always just fling the masked murderer out into the infinite abyss of space.

Winner: Darth Vader!

v.

DLamp: Hannibal Lecter - Johnny just doesn’t have the killer instinct that Lecter has, so Hannibal eats his lunch. Or eats his face for lunch. Whatever, Lecter schools this young gun like a dad hitting jump shot after jump shot against his son in the drive way. Good. Good. Good. Game!

JP: Johnny - I know Lecter is infinitely more creepy and sinister but I think Johnny would have the jump on him. Even if they weren’t scheduled to fight, Johnny would probably target him as a prime candidate for no mercy because he regarded him as a gay, old miser. Remember, he has a lot of experience ambushing feminine guys in costumes.

Lunchbox: Dr. Lecter - I know Johnny is a cocky badass. He’s also a dimwit. Lecter made Miggs swallow his own tongue jsut by talking to him for a few hours. He didn’t even have to eat the fella’s liver with some navy beans. Lecter confuses Johnny with emotionally debilitating explanations about the origins of his bully nature. Then he eats Johnny’s small intestine with some hummus and a pita.

Winner: Hannibal Lecter!

Round 2 - Fight!

v.

DLamp: Predator - I can’t believe you guys picked Anton over Joker. Cheese and rice! But it doesn’t matter, all bow to the shoulder cannon. Remember that video game, Alien vs. Predator, where you could actually play as the Predator? Yeah, it changed my life too. There’s only two ways this fight goes: Chigurh tries to intimidate Predator with a coin flip -> Predator blows up planet. Chigurh offers to buy Predator’s shirt -> Predator takes money, blows up planet.

JP: Predator- Since I still haven’t seen No Country, I’ll offer only thoughts about the Predator. He is a remoreless hunting machine bred for generations to travel the galaxy to hunt dangerous prey, which pretty much makes him a cinch against any human.

Lunchbox: Predator - Shoulder Cannon > Cattle Gun. Chigurh can withstand shotgun blasts and wicked T-bones, but there’s no way he’s surviving a laser-guided alien space rocket.

Winner: Predator!

v.

DLamp: Darth Vader - This bout starts with Lecter pulling off Johnny Lawrence’s face that he was wearing like a mask. Vader pulls off his mask. Both vomit out of disgust. Lecter slips in vomit, falls into giant sand pit. Vader shrugs and drinks his Yoohoo.

JP: Vader - Scrawny, effeminate intellectual vs. gigantic force of galactic terror with projectile power. I’m fairly confident Jedi mind tricks wouldn’t phase Lecter, but a light saber certainly would. An absolute walk-over for Vader.

Lunchbox: Vader - Darth has myriad ways to dispense of the flesh-eating psychiatrist. Me thinks that he uses a few flicks of the lightsaber like a Ginsu knife to dice Lecter up into bite size pieces. Too bad he can’t eat himself.

Winner: Darth Vader!

Final Round - Finish Him!

v.

DLamp: Predator - This is a closely fought battle. I mean, both have mastered space travel, both have a great arsenal of weapons, and both have some magic up their sleeves (invisibility v. telekinesis). But I give the ‘W’ to Predator, because I think he is just a little bit more physical in the low post.

JP: Vader - This is absolutely the match-up everyone has been waiting for, as this has been a two-horse race from the outset. Assuming it’s a a neutral site, I go with Vader because of his ominous music. But if you fought this one 100 times, each might win 50.

Lunchbox: Vader - This is the first time tonight that Vader breaks a sweat. The problem Predator faces is the fact that his weapons are all projectiles of one type or another. Have we EVER seen Darth Vader get hit with anything less than a Jedi master before? There’s no way the shoulder rocket or the net gun even come close to him. In fact, Vader probably just stamped that shit “Return to Sender” and Predator met his demise at his own hand.

Winner, and advancing to the final four: DARTH VADER!

Think we got it wrong? Vote below for who you think should have won, and if we were way off, your votes can change the outcome.