Pyle of List

As most members of the main stream media pass the towel around while looking back on Brett Favre’s (allegedly) illustrious career, we here at Pyle of List look ahead to the future. As close friends of the Favre family (again, allegedly) we feel we have a great insight in to what the future holds for the former pain-killer addict, and also lend some thought to those members of the sports world that we feel should join him.

Future Jobs

Hallmark Card Writer - Known for always saying the right thing during a press conference, Favre managed to keep his image as a ‘good old country boy’ despite being a multi-millionaire. He will introduce the ‘Aw Shucks!’ line of cards which will feature certain niche categories including: ‘Congrats on Breaking Another Record!’, ‘Congrats on Kicking the Pill Habit!’, and ‘Sorry to Hear About Your Dad/Wife’.

Inspirational Poster Model - You know what I’m talking about.

Kid’s Summer Camp Counselor- “Shoot, you kids are a heckuva lotta fun! And Hoo-boy, you look just like ol’ Driver in that outfit. You know what I used to call him? “Driver Miss Daisy!” Get it? Boy, what a hoot! But, I think I might even like this better. Ya’ll are just as rascally and young at heart as me! Race ya to the bug juice!!!!”

Gunslinger- Analysts can only call him this so many times without it having an effect. He’s been sacked enough in 12,476 consecutive starts that he might actually start to believe it.

Athletes That Need to Follow In Favre’s Footsteps

David Eckstein - I know we’ve dogged him before, and we’re not even the best at it, but seriously, I’m sick and tired of this midget getting so much credit for his game when he can’t even make the throw across the diamond!

Julio Franco - You know those Chuck Norris jokes that were hilarious a year ago? You can do the same thing but with how old Franco is. Samples include:

Julio Franco is so old, he was too young to be in WWII.
Julio Franco is so old, he once pinch hit for Napoleon.
Julio Franco is so old, he farts dust. Editor’s note: Thank you to the book Double Snaps! for that last one.

Morten Anderson - One day, Mort is going to die on the football field. Then his re-animated, zombie-like corpse will get up and kick an extra point.

Ric Flair - No one should be wrestling his age. And besides, if he ever needs a check, he can always come back. Just ask Terry Funk.

Eli Manning- Quit while you’re ahead. Seriously, it’s not going to get any better.

Dikembe Mutombo - There’s no telling how old he is, since he seems to be missing a certified birth certificate. Apparently his village was too busy either participating in or gearing up for a civil war to issue one for ol’ Mount Mutombo. Plus, he’s already started the admirable humanitarian efforts many people take up in their twilight years. At this point, he’d better stop blocking shots or his arthritic finger won’t be able to cut anymore ribbons on new hospitals. (FYI, he’s going to be 42 this summer! Allegedly.)

Matt Leinart- Look Matty, I’m still very appreciative of the USC years. I really am. But even you need to admit that you don’t actually care about football anymore. You’ve got enough guaranteed money that even if you put it into a savings account with an average interest rate, you’d have enough scratch to keep the never-ending parade of skanks and douchebag friends happy forever. Leave now, while you still have some semblance of your looks… oh wait, looks like its a little too late for that. How the mighty have fallen. You used to be the King of LA and now you look like a Rec League QB that picks up chicks at the local TGIFridays.

(AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Shaquille Oneal - It seems that the Big Experiment isn’t working out for Steve Kerr and the Suns. In the last 2 1/2 weeks since Marion-Oneal trade, the Suns have a record 4-6. The team averaged 109.9 points scored and 104.0 points allowed before the trade for a +5.9 scoring differential. In the 10 games since Shaq started wearing the 4th NBA uniform of his career they are averaging 105.6 points scored and 110.6 points allowed for a -5.0 scoring differential. That’s a -10.9 point swing since Steve Kerr made the fateful move. Granted, there’s the necessary adjustment period right now. And you might also say, “Lunchbox, they beat the Spurs last night! The immortal Spurs!” And I might say, “I don’t care. The Steve Nash era in Phoenix is only going to be remember for fun games to watch and a couple MVP trophies, no championship trophies. I guarantee you, or double your money back.”

Hubie Brown - Yoobee Brown is older than John McCain. Yeah, I know. He’s really old. If you had to guess how many years he was an NBA head coach, what would you guess? 18 years? 27 years? No, he was only an NBA head coach for 14 years. Given the fact that he more closely resembles Skelator than an actual human being, you’d think he’d been coaching since he helped Dr. James Naismith invent the game of basketball back in the 19th century. Hubie just does commentary now. Most of his commentating work revolves around his high praise for timely time-outs and his efforts to share his New Jersey accent with the masses. It just seems like now is the right time for him to retire to Castle Greyskull.

(Barry Chin/Boston Globe)

Sam Cassell - Gollum, Marvin the Martian, E.T. Whatever you want to call him, dude is just about ready to collect on his social security checks. My favorite Sam Cassell moments of the last few years have been when he stands by the bench with an icepack strapped to his lower back. I guess he’s got some sciatica problems. Who knew that life from other planets suffer from the same degenerative afflictions as we earthlings do? It’s been pretty well documented that Cassell is going to play for the Celtics for the stretch run coming up here in the NBA. I’m okay with this turn of events, as long as he promises to retire after the season and only wear ice packs if they are complimented by a nice Italian suit that a coach might wear.