Pyle of List

Pyle of List doesn’t have any official numbers on it, but we all know that star athletes get fat paychecks for hawking things from cell phones to cars to hot dogs. I will let someone more eloquent, Marcee Tidwell, say it for me: “Now I don’t know what you do with your five-percent, but this man, my husband has a whole plan, an image… and when you put him in a Waterbed Warehouse commercial, excuse me, you are making him common when you know he deserves the big four — shoe, car, clothing-line, soft-drink. The four jewels of the celebrity endorsement dollar. We majored in marketing, babe….we came to play.” Some athletes are able to command the four jewels, some are not. Regardless of what an athlete is endorsing, plenty of the ads are obnoxious, or just straight up suck. We’ve collected some of the most egregious offenders here. If we miss any, let us know about it in the comments.

Reggie Bush vs. Diet Pepsi Machine

There’s no other way to put it. Reggie is a sellout. He got his money and now he’s rolling in it. I had higher hopes for him. But this commercial wasn’t funny at all. It was just plain dumb. The worst part about it is how prevalent it was last season. You couldn’t watch an entire NFL game without seeing this ad at least a dozen times. It got to the point where I’d actually become angry when the ad came on. It also made me sad. Sad that I don’t own Tivo. Here’s the link.

Retired Athletes Lose Weight via Nutri-System
I couldn’t find a decent link to these commercials. But you know the ones I’m talking about. Mike Golic talks about how he lost weight while still being able to eat a “man’s meal” or something close to that. They’ve got Dan Marino and Don Shula in on it too. Basically what this commercial says is that Nutri-System is a Jenny Craig type deal for retired athletes. I’ve put on a little extra padding in the last few years. No big deal. Do some exercising and eat a few less burgers and it goes away. My favorite
quote was from John Kruk, the mulleted ESPN desk jockey on Baseball Tonight. He said, “My wife told me I’m not as disgusting as I used to be.” And sleazo Sean Salisbury was quoted, “Hey, with NutriSystem, chicks dig me!” Right Sean.

Deion Sanders as the Road Runner

This commercial came out right around the same time as Michael Jordan’s Space Jam. This commercial was an obvious attempt to capitalize on the genius of pairing real athletes with Looney Tunes characters. And really, how could that be considered anything less that profound marketing? Through the whole commercial, you think to yourself. Oh, another Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote cartoon. But at the very end there’s a twist that JJ Abrams himself would be proud of. Out of the cloud of dust appears Deion with a high fade cut. Check the video here.

Tom Brady Races a Horse in his Convertible

I’ll be honest, I’ve never actually seen this commercial before. But when I was doing research for this post (yes, research) , I stumbled across this gem. Captain America is hawking Stetson cologne by driving down a dirt road in a convertible with a looker in the passenger seat. He then starts racing this black horse down the dirt road and “sets himself free.” Do people go to some sort of trade school to come up with stuff like this? Maybe the ad gurus sit in a room and sniff cologne until they black out and this is just the dream they had while on the Stetson high.

Brady Quinn and some sports drink?

Continuing with the theme of handsome quarterback endorsements, here is Brady Quinn in a virtual workout world where he high steps through tires and plows through blocking dummies in the middle of some salt flats under a purple sky. If that doesn’t scream “really kick ass sports drink!” I don’t know what does. Is this the first time a player that has not started a single game in his career has a TV endorsement? Brady had one earlier in the season too. I can’t remember what it was for, but I just remember the production quality was shit. There were some still pictures of Brady Quinn from what I can only guess was the Browns preaseason with a voice-over. It was pretty obvious the voice-over was just Brady reading some lines over the phone to the ad people. It was bad. It’s not on the air anymore, and for good reason.

Edit: Here’s the awful voice-over commercial.  It’s for Gillete.

[Dlamp edit: Another Brady Quinn gem.  It was for Subway, and hilariously enough, the “button” of the commercial is Quinn saying he’ll ‘be too busy’ on Sundays. Yeah, busy holding a clipboard. And a dick.]

Ditka, Perry, McMahon, and Rodman are Diana Pearl

I don’t know. I really don’t. Why is McMahon in a tuxedo? Why is Rodman’s voice so sexy? Why do the olives on the Refrigerator’s sandwich look like eyes on a sandwich muppet? Why are these four Chicago sports heroes Diana Pearl? Why did this commercial run during a Super Bowl?

The 1985 Super Bowl Champs Sold Out

Everyone has seen the Super Bowl Shuffle. That’s been done. But what you may not know is how many other products the Bears pimped during their mid-80’s heydays. Jim McMahon was the Peyton Manning of the 80’s when it comes to commercials, just with sunglasses and a mullet…and worse writing. The following commercials are the unwed-sibling-parents of the Diana Pearl commercial.

Jim McMahon sells Honda Scooters

Jim McMahon sells paint ball guns

Jim McMahon and Refrigerator Perry sell Coca Cola and Coke

Refrigerator Perry sells McDonalds

By the way, what color are McMahon’s eyes?

Carson Palmer and Weiners

Okay, seriously, does anyone actually look at these things before they hit the streets? Poor Carson Palmer not only has to suffer with mediocrity in Cincy, but now he has to look like he could still earn a living if football ever falls through. The hard way. I know Carson isn’t gay though, because he told me so while we were making out. You know, just to make sure, you know, we both wouldn’t like it. We totally didn’t…

Mike Piazza’s Hair Is Gorgeous

I believe this was the spark that ignited the ‘Mike Piazza is gay’ fire. Listen, I would love to sell out, and shill any product for money, so I understand why all these guys say yes to this stuff. But I’m a nobody. I don’t have to trot out in front of thousands of fans each night for 162 games and have them all point and laugh at how bouncy and shiny my long flowing locks are. These professional athletes should have teams of people around them to say things like “hey, take a pass on this one, Mikey” or “you sure about that mustache?”. But if the good people of Pert Plus are reading this and looking for a new spokesman, I’d do it in a freakin’ heartbeat!

Sammy Sosa Apparently Doesn’t Like It Hot

During the big home run chase of 1998, I despised Sammy Sosa. I didn’t buy this ‘nice guy who barely speaks English’ routine that he was selling to the nation. And I knew he was juicing. I mean, at least McGwire hit for power his entire career (50 HR in his rookie season) so it wasn’t obvious, but Sosa went from barely starting for the White Sox, to breaking a 30+ year old record? Please. So I liked it when the Diet Pepsi commercial put him in his place a little bit. And for the record, drinking soda when your mouth is on fire doesn’t help. Get some milk, you’ll thank me later.

Lebron Blows…Bubbles

I did a Google image search for athlete endorsements, and this came up. I just laughed and added it to the list. The only way this would have been funnier is if it were for Bubble Tape, and the tag line read: “six feet eight inches of bubble gum. For you. Not them!”

LDT and Visio

I hate this commercial. It’s just terrible. Did this thing even have a director? My sources (the internet) say it did. The fact that this was the best edit they could put together from hours of shooting makes me not like LaDanian Tomlinson anymore. Why? Because clearly he has the personality of a complete retard. He doesn’t seem to be having fun, and the lines come out so un-naturally that it makes me question my belief in athletes being supermen. Okay, so I’m off my actor soapbox. It’s still pretty terrible though.

Watch it here.

Free Mustache Rides for the Ladies (as soon as I take this little pill)

And finally, my favorite one of all time. Raphael Palmeiro and his Viagra commercial. I know what Raffy was thinking: “Hey, I’ve got 3,000 hits, 500 home runs, and this killer mustache. Nothing can make me uncool!” Wrong you are my friend. You know what undoes all those great accomplishments? No, not getting busted for steroids. Saying that you junk doesn’t work properly.