Pyle of List

Reporter: Coaches, how are you feeling about the game? 

Carroll: I’m real pumped up and jacked about playing in this game it’s our goal every year to come here to Pasadena and it’s, uh, a real special place for us, like a home away from home and we seem to do real well here so our guys are, uh, ready to go out and compete, you know, it’s like I always say to ‘em open your souls to perfection and you’ll achieve the impossible and tame the fear rhino…

Zook: Man, that trophy would look great in our trophy case. We can show it to recruits when they come visit, or take it on the road to their houses if we feel so inclined. Looks pretty mobile to me, just like the Zooker and his QB’s. And hot damn do I look good in this suit!  What was the question, again?

Carroll: …what it really comes down to is making plays and competition and being the best of the best because potential is a vaporous mist that vanishes when the winds of adversity blow but nobody knows that better than Illinois after what they’ve been able to do this year…

Keith Jackson: Oh, Katie bar the door, here come the Trojans!!!!

Carroll: Keith, I’m glad you could make it, amigo, but it’s a little early for the pre-pep rally pep talk so, uh, just grab a seat over there by Snoop and Marcus Allen… boy, I just got an idea for a play… Ricky, draw this one up for me…

Ricky Rosas: Yes sir!

Carroll: 29 Phoenix Stack Right Z Slant Flare…

Ricky Rosas: Um… Remember I can’t really write too well, Coach. Come over here (motioning toward a quiet corner) and we can draw it on the wall.

(quietly) Peter, that’s a terribly constructed notion of a play. You’ve completely disregarded the tendencies of their Mike Linebacker, not to mention the inability of our Z receiver to run intermediate routes. You could easily ascertain that from the rigorous film sessions we’ve engaged in as of late. Plus I’m fairly certain you saw the statistical breakdown last week too. A 21% success rate will not due. Stick to your motivational blather and leave the X’s and O’s to me. Have you discussed defensive alignments yet?

Carroll: I figured the basic Elephant…

Rosas: Illogical. That’s exactly what the Recruiting Savant will be looking for. I have a much better idea. Rey, please grace us with your presence.

Rey: ARHFFFHFHFHFFFGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is Juice?!?!?!?!?!

Rosas:  (holds up taser) Calm down, Rey or Mr. Shock-Shock is going to pay you another visit.

Why waste your time with formations and strategy, when you have what I call the “Rampaging Visigoth” defense.

Carroll: I’m listening….

Rosas: Essentially, our good man Mr. Maualuga is going to command his troops as though he were a barbarian warlord. And by sheer force of personality, whip them into a frenzy that would rival the intensity of the worst PCP hallucination known to man.

Then, as you can see, they pillage our opponent.

Any questions?

Carroll: Aw man! Ricky I love you!

But nobody can ever know our secret…

Rey: Must… hit… something…. RAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!