Pyle of List

I realize now that I could have posted this on Monday, since all the games were over by Sunday night. But all the excitement of New Year’s Eve, and firing up my brand new BBQ for the first time distracted me. I think it’s pretty safe to say that the only things that could distract me from football are freshly grilled meat and boobs. So happy 2008 everyone, hope you made some hilarious predictions! But let’s take one last look at 2007 and The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL week 17.

10. Patriots Reach Perfection - I wasn’t even going to bother watching this game, but I was at a liquor store Saturday night, picking up some Sparks, when I saw the game going to halftime on the small, static-y screen behind the counter. “Holy shit!” I exclaimed, “the Giants are actually winning!”. So I raced back to my buddy’s place and made him put on the game so I could watch those smug a-holes blow their perfect season. Well, needless to say, when the game was over more Sparks were needed to console my wounded heart. Congratulations Patriots fan. Here’s to another year of you guys being so obnoxious that everyone else in the country hates you.

9. Warner Plays ‘Alltime QB’ - With Kurt Warner returning to the town that made him famous, and the game not mattering at all, the Rams and Cardinals decided to something a little fun: they let Warner play QB for both sides. “I haven’t seen something like this since we had an odd number of kids in neighborhood pick up games,” recalled Rams WR Isaac Bruce, “but it will be nice to have Kurt throwing to me again.” Warner’s Cardinals beat Warner’s Rams 48-19 with Warner’s stats totalling 37-for-69, 480 yards passing, 19 yards rushing, 4 TD, and 5 INT.

8. Fantasy Demise - Well, I made it to finals of my fantasy league, and of course I was playing against my girlfriend. I knew this would happen. But when your finals are in week 17, and your team has been driven by Joey Addai, Ryan Grant, and Hines Ward, you’re not going to be looking pretty. So she destroyed me and now I have to live with a whole year of her telling me how great she is. Although I guess that’s not that different from a normal year…

7. Redskins Use ‘Firewater’ Comment For Inspiration - Want to know how those plucky Washington Redskins overcame the might Dallas Cowboys so easily on Sunday? Look no further than Dallas QB, and Hollywood wannabe, Tony Romo shooting his mouth off. In an interview with TMZ, Romo said, “Well, if that defense gets after us, we’ll just give them some firewater to calm them down. Those little red devils can’t get enough of that stuff!” He then jumped into a convertible with no less than 3 super models and drove away, throwing money into the air as he went.

6. Teams Limp Into Playoffs - Way to keep that momentum going, boys. I’m being sarcastic of course. Many of this year’s playoff teams, behind the guise of resting starters, mailed it in this week and got their asses handed to them by decidedly inferior teams. Yes, I’m looking at you Seattle, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, and Dallas.

5. Kansas City Wins Battle of Craptitude - You know that episode of South Park where the kids don’t want to play Little League anymore, so they just try to play worse than the other team? Well the Jets and Chiefs players do, and they love that episode. So they decided to try that out as well, seeing as how no one would be watching them game anyway. It took one overtime to settle it, but it turns out the Chiefs are better at being bad than the Jets. Good for them.

4. Billick Goes Bye-Bye - One nice thing about writing this entry a couple days after the week ends, is I get to see the aftermath. This week’s casualty (and I’m sure only the first in a long line of coaching changes) was Ravens Head Coach, Brian Billick. Siting his ineptitude on the offensive side of things, Ravens management finally pulled the trigger on something that should have happened a couple of seasons ago. I mean, it was pretty clear to anyone watching the Ravens defense was no longer good enough to win over the elite teams with that offense. All I know is I’m totally drafting Troy Smith late in my fantasy drafts next year.

3. Sorgi Cries Wolf, Family Doesn’t Watch - Last week, Colts backup QB Jim Sorgi called everyone he knew and told them to find a way to watch the game because he would “totally be playing this time”. Well, Sorgi didn’t enter the game in week 16, and everyone was a little miffed about it. So this week, when he called them all again to tell them to watch, no one tuned in thinking it was another of Sorgi’s many practical jokes. After the game, when Jim called his mother to see if she watched him play, she said no, that she thought he was kidding. Jim Sorgi learned a valuable lesson that day…

2. Playoff Picture - Every seed is now a final, and I can’t believe the Browns choked away their spot and let the damn Titans in. Ugh. But let’s take a look at the first round match ups:

NFC: Washington @ Seattle (Sat) - Seattle needs to be careful, because Washington is playing like a house of fire these days. But I think Seattle is an all around good enough team to hold off the ‘Skins and advance to the next round.

New York @ Tampa Bay (Sun) - I actually like the Giants to pull this one out. They played well on the road all year, and in a very tough division, whereas the Bucs haven’t impressed me all year, and play in possible the worst division in the NFC.

AFC: Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh (Sat) - This is going to be a fun game to watch. It’s just going to be two physical teams punching each other in the mouth. Kind of like this video. Jacksonville won the first meeting of these two teams, and are on fire as of late so people think they will walk all over the Steelers. But it still isn’t easy to go into that swamp and win. This game will be too close for me to call.

Tennessee @ San Diego (Sun) - San Diego all the way. I still don’t know how Tennessee got into the playoffs. It’s kind of like that 5th grade skate party I went to for Chris Caplan’s birthday and the fat, smelly kid in class showed up. “Dude, how did that guy get invited?” “My mom made me invite everyone in the class.” “Bummer.”

1. We Don’t Link Enough - I’m sure some of you read #10 up there are are wondering what ‘Sparks’ is. Well, here’s their website. You can thank me later.